dream...

Had a "mind is trying to tell me something" dream last night... I was a man in this dream, but a whisp of a man.. blah hair.. pale ... nice.. pleasant... quiet. I was at some sort of spectacle.. a football game or something that needed an audience and was loud. I wasn't enjoying it much, but everyone else seemed to be .. so I felt I should.. so I stayed and did the audience dance. I was on the lowest bench near the field and there was a 6x6 board next to me along the bench. The blunt end was up against my hip, no idea why it was there or why I sat by it. Then a large, musclular man was down near me. He was cheering loudly, getting the crowd excited, everyone seemed to be in the same spirit... then he hit the board so that it moved me a bit.. everyone laughed.. but not at me.. more of like..."isn't this a fun game" He kept doing it and I felt like I had to be a good sport and not be annoyed with it since it seemed this was supposed to be light and funny... at least everyone else seemed to think so. So he proceeded to do it until the game ended.. and I proceded to take it. I looked down at the end of the game and my stomach was bleeding... a large ?? reed of the wood had separated from the board and went through my left side and out my right... in the front... and another did the same in the back. I panicked and felt hurt and scared ... how did this happen...? I let that guy do this ... something I didn't feel comfortable with but went along... until it actually hurt me.. I pulled my eyes out (mind you .. this was a dream... so didn't hurt) and someone said.. those aren't your eyes.. they are emily's... Then I found myself in a medium blue doctors office.. not sure why, but the color stood out to me. The doctor asked me to explain how I found myself pierced twice through the middle and bleeding... I told him... and he looked at me with no compassion.. but more like anger... he said .... you LET this happen to you??? (like I was an idiot and basically didn't deserve to be fixed if I was going to let something like this happen to me)....

Anyhoo.. very insightful dream...

I da ho

ok... let's see...

fixed the boy thing..well...?? figured out things.. not fixed necessarily

can sleep

woke up friday a.m. and felt like being near water, then couer d'alene popped in my head.. so went there (about 5-6 hour drive)... was nice.. walked along the lake, along the shops.. then looked for place for dinner and found a wine bar w/ jazz.... sat in a cushy chair next to a couch filled with older couples... listened to jazz while paging through a book on the last century.. a quote was in there that caught my eye..."people don't live anymore, they merely exist" ... or something like that... then later an old man sat at the end of the couch... cowboy hat and boots, leathered skin... when I was done w/ the book, I looked over at his hat and complimented him.... then he started talking and told me about his life... about when he was a very young buy he was in a shop that had a sculpted horse.. and he knew that is what he wanted to do ... he would do drawings on the dining room table and his dad would get mad at him... so sooner or later he gave up, went into construction as an adult.... and was doing that up until 2 years ago... then (I forgot how).. he started drawing again... taking classes ... hanging out with artists.... sculpting

he said he has to pinch himself every day that he is finally doing what he has always wanted to do. and he said follow your heart.... don't let anyone discourage you.... you will not be able to forgive yourself of your regrets....

pretty nice little trip I must say...

still can't sleep...

ok.. I didn't do my laundry yet, but I don't think that is it...

I think I nailed it down to the boy that left... but I'll get back to that later...

I went to see I Am Your Man last night.. film on Leonard Cohen... very good film...
and learned about a singer named Antony.. quite an interesting voice...
An older fella and his wife sat next to me. When Rufus Wainright came on.. he asked me who he was.. so I told him.. (funny .. it was the first artist that came on that hit me....).. then when Antony came on..the other aritst I liked in the film came on.. he asked me again... who is that?

For some reason it was really nice to think you could share a movie with a stranger and kind of a bonus to have the same tastes.

So.. the reason I can't sleep.. and boy.. I don't mean that it is his fault that I can't sleep.... more of... I think my mind body was trying to tell me that I need to deal with this or we're not going to let you move on. Learn this lesson ... finally! etc...

While taking a shower this morning.. I was thinking about the situation.. and how I would explain to said boy what I think about how it is going.. then the anology popped in my head about a plant... as if it were a relationship. You don't throw a new plant in the ground and leave it for a few days and expect it to grow... it isn't used to the new situation, where to get water, food, etc. from... You put it in and nurture it daily.. checking in on it to see how it is doing.. is it wilting? did I over water? etc. and so on until it is used to its new environment... and has grown roots...
Once it seems to be doing ok and the roots are stable ... then a day away w/out checking is fine. It knows its surroundings.. and you can see that it is doing well in that soil.. so it is fine. Mind you.. you still can't assume it will be fine all alone.. it is just that it won't die overnight from neglect.

I shared it with my roomie and the thought it was a great one too.. then I went a little further.. that goes for prerelationship as well... could use the car analogy this time ;)
you can't blame an old pickup truck for being slow.. it is old.. not built to go fast etc... so if you bought one and try to speed down the road.. and it doesn't, you can't call it a worthless hunk of metal.. it is what it is.. an old pickup truck... if you wanted fast.. you should have shopped around more, researched more cars, taken more test drives and so on before purchasing...

so.. although I may have just leased the car... I didn't test drive it enough before hand.. so now have to deal with some paperwork... ;)

dream

had a weird dream last night that I got married.. was to my first bf. was AWFUL. Just after the "I dos" I was out of the dress and had it rolled up under my arm. I was getting funny looks from everyone because I didn't seem happy. I forgot I still had to go to a reception in bride attire. Ugh.. I was just thinking over and over in my head "what did I do?????" I went into a room to put the dress back on and there was a giant spider in there.. was very angled and pointy, orange and yellow striped.. and it mimicked my every move.. was very creepy.. kinda felt like the dream was about all those things you do to ??? fit in to a situation/group/society/moment/expectation/to get what you think you need/want/etc... but kind of unaware that you are doing it because it has become so much of who everyone is ... the wedding was more like checking off of a things to do list like get a degree, buy house, get retirement.... then I think I became aware and realized I was w/ him for all the wrong reasons.. bleck.. and then the spider was kind of a mirror mimicking me mimicking society... crazy

dilly dally-ing

k...

supposed to be working.. but kind of waiting on some things so.......

mind keeps wandering....

I think I just stepped out of my head.. I was going to write down a stream of what was in there.. and then I stopped to check... and I felt like I just landed on the planet and in this body.. strange

maybe the stuff that was in my head.. was unimportant.. just buzzing around making noise... but when I went to capture it.. the noise stopped because that is all it was.. if ya know what I mean...

hmmm...