New baby on the way!!!! :-D

Oh my!!! A very good friend of mine just told me yesterday she is going to have a baby!!! :)

I'm sooooo happy for her. I was in tears when she told me... in tears again when I told my boss...

Her hubby isn't ready... she isn't ready... they didn't feel like it was the right time.. but are we ever ready?? is there ever a "right" time? Now days we've been given the "luxery" in many ways of being able to decide and plan..... marriage... kids.... life.... seems like with this "luxery" we have taken on kind of a ??? well, there has come with it a feeling of more responsibility. If we don't get it right, then we have really screwed up... if we haven't prepared enough, planned enough, thought it out enough, sewed our oats enough.... then all of a sudden you are 40-something and have been "planned" out of some opportunities/experiences/life...

I'm so glad this little accident happened with them. :)

no dreams... no.... nada

ok.. I'm at this place in my life... kind of like a fork in the road.. minus the prongs

I'm almost down to no "have tos"
I have no one to please or make discontented
no animal to feed
selling a lot of my stuff... so not much stuff to maintain or house
no material wants
no major destination that I "have" to see
no major goal that I want to accomplish

at least not immediatly... so it is a weird space to be in

I was in a major funk yesterday. A nice friend told me to go in a dark room and review recent happenings. I looked back to what my life accumulated to in just the last few months. It felt like just a lot of doing. Kind of like looking down on an ant colony... you see them mill around but does anything they do "mean" anything. Certainly the last few months of my life haven't...
Sure, I've done some soul searching.. learned some valuable things... but for the whole.. felt empty...

Then I realized all of this is just empty busy making.. the only thing that really matters .. (ok .. get ready for the cheese).. is love. Look at all the messy busy making we have created... kinda nutty when you think of it.. and the meaning we give some things... when none of it really matters... and the one thing that does... is pretty nice.. pretty simple

Commited to non-commitment

ok.. say you are leary of commitment... there are many reasons.... good reasons for this..
not wanting to be stuck... not wanting to be controlled by circumstances/situations/rules that don't always fit... the rules are not always put there for the right reasons, are not always carried out by those that mean well.... and things, people, circumstances change... where commitment isn't supposed to with these changes... and if you don't know what you want... really hard and almost careless to commit

I guess the above is more for the big commitments... career, partner, etc...

Then there are the little commitments..... yes, I'll go to the bbq two weeks out (but what if something else comes up?)... well.. haven't really made any hotel reservations.. have a ticket in/ticket out... (just in case something comes up where you want to stay in abc town longer, or take off w/ new friends on the way) ... and usually going anywhere (vacations/trips/etc.) solo... so you aren't tied to anyone else's plans/hangups/etc. and so on...

I am sort of one of those people. I like being free for the most part. I'm a person who needs plenty of ?? well, I need to feel like I have options, not stifled etc... if say a guy who was interested in me (a fella) heard this.. might be a turn-off... well, if I heard it from a guy.. yes, it would be a turn off...

so.. the idea behind it all is that if you keep things open.. you won't miss something... some experience, some person, some....??? , now that I type that it sounds so.... opportunistic...? which it is... but... sounds so..?? umm shallow and greedy....
hmmm...
how about I hit it from this angle... not wanting to be stuck... not wanting to be in a rut.. not wanting to waste hours, days, years of your life out of ruttedness... out of habit... not wanting to miss some learning experience, growth experience because of being stuck in a rut.. or being stuck with someone who is that way...

so... the point I wanted to make.. or more like the question I wanted to ask... isn't that being in a rut too? to live your life not being commited... are you not passing up other kinds of experiences, growth and so on by planning your life avoiding the commitments..?

well.. yeah...

of course...

so I'm thinking.. the former comes from fear.. and I think with a lot of us... grows out of proportion (us being those that practice averting ;)) but... it also helps to know yourself and what you want I think ... so that you are not willy nilly commiting...

I think I'll pause here...

sailing... etc.

went sailing yesterday...

let me back up..

boy was in town.. saw him, dinner, drinks, had a good talk and had fun
we are so much better as friends :)
EDITED
learned some things from the experience that were well worth while. some things hard to face... other things glad to face... all good in the end though

so... followed that evening.. well.. the following morning with sailing
left at 6 a.m. .. drove for 2 hours w/ folks.. had a good breakfast, lots of laughs (to the point of tears), sailed... saw seals, jelly fish, got completely worn out... back at home at 10:30 p.m.
was out like a light....

this morning... completely worn... kind of emotionally raw.. .(which is a good thing)
helps expose stuff so you can figure it out

guess I should work now... ;)

eod, sailing, not in working mode....

ok.. 6 minutes left of work.. and not much to do ...

bored.. but need to sit here so .....

hmmm going sailing tomorrow for my first time.. pretty excited... got some squishy clogs for the trip... needed an excuse to buy them.. they are UGLY, sooo comfy, so this was the perfect opportunity for me to get them. I guess it is a 4 man boat.. or 1 man 3 women for this trip. Should be fun...

oh.. have a dinner thing tonight w/ the boy... no clue what time, where.. or if he remembers... we'll see.. if he forgets.. more sleep for me (leaving for sailing at 6 a.m.) if he remembers.. well.. updates later...

pretty excited about those clogs I must say.... I even didn't get black.. went for ugly and obnoxious

oh.. speaking of shoes.. need to get some good boots .. (fashionable) but nice ones before fall. Need them for my trip.. and for fall. ;)
kinda digging these:






















6 minutes are up ;)

victorian era england, snow, theater, judges and action cucumbers (dream)

ok... last night's dream

not sure how it started.. but was walking in a city.. but seemed like a very old city. I know there was more to it but I can't remember that part.

Then I was walking with a guy.. I think my bf or lover or... he was tall, very slim, kind of adrian brody-esque. He was agile, whimsical, wore a long black cloak, vest, hat, carried a cane, and a pocket watch in his vest ... or waist coat... His hair had bits of gray in it. This all makes him sound like he was wealthy.. he wasn't wealthy... he most likely wore this set of clothes all the time.. they were worn.. but they were him and his. It was a very romantic feel... we were going to the theater.. not sure what we were seeing but I was reassuring him what ever it was.. it couldn't be that bad (I think he got the tickets for us) it was theater after all and some form of entertainment. We were laying out in front of the theater.. where grass would be if it wasn't snowing. he was unraveling something from his cane.. which now seemed to be the holder of a black fire hose.. but I think they were socks of his or a scarf that he had wound around it. All of sudden I had to go leave.. to run some errand... something like getting something stamped, an id card.. or.. an immunization or..?? something ordained by the government. I was in a building that was full of courts, lawyers, etc. I had just run up and dropped off an envelope of information... now I'm thinking the information was?? well it was something that I didn't want to be caught for sharing. So I was running down stairs to get out and slipped through a door and ended up right in the middle of a court room. I was scared ... then I looked and I knew the name of the judge.. Macgilacutty (sp?). The man had big gray hair... he started talking to me kindly.. and asked if I knew who he was.. I said yes... I've seen you before.. at blah blah?? He said. ooh no, that was my father.. then he took of his hair/wig... and he had red hair.. kind of handsome, short... tiny. I asked if he wore the wig to make him look older. He said no, I wear it to make me look shorter (huh?). I was thinking since he was so nice, I may be able to use him as a contact later. He was keen on me I could tell and wanted me to go with him... I knew a future w/ him, I'd be well taken care of (this was way back when)...but then I realized my lover was outside in the snow.. my errand was done.. I was saved by this red headed man out of harms way and now I needed to rush back to him... I rushed out of the building and he was being taken by doctors.. but not normal, clinic doctors.. city doctors. They were saying he had an illness and had to be taken away.. and he was struggling to break free. Mind you.. I knew he was feeble in general.. but he wasn't sick. I knew they must have given him something.. I was running to go get help and ended up in a stream of ?? well like I was watching a film.. more like a documentary with a woman's voice narrating and a soundtrack... which was energetic classical music. The documentary was following the meth situation.. basically it was showing young folks.. in victorian clothes that young folks would wear... so short britches, woolen caps, scarves... riding bicycles to drop off drugs and get payment... lots of killing and stealing... snowing the whole time.. the narrator was uncovering how the powers that be created the drug and disperse it .. allow it to keep going.. the more havoc that it allowed, the more fear the general populous would be in... and they more control they would then have... then there was a part where you saw a boy on his back .. just had been killed and there was a cucumber/cactus type thing that fell on him.. about the size of a pickle.. and then it got up.. and it had a head, arms legs and started dancing... you could hear a bart simpson's like voice chanting words like... drugs, radios, boobies, ... oh. then the cucumber had breasts... then the narrator saying that the powers that be kept us in a brainwashed spin of what we should want.. that we should continually want.... and that keeps us in our perpetual cage ... then I woke up.

wolves to dubbed japanese movie... (dream)

I dreamt that I was part of some group.. not sure if it was work, a gang?, a place I lived...? they asked me to stay there while they went to run some "errand"... as they were leaving a deer came running up and was making a ?? "meep" noise.. kind of like a scared cry for help in duress. I went to go see if I could help it and then I saw a pack of wolves coming after it (hence the meeping). So I tried to shoo the deer over to the cars because the group hadn't left yet. I'm not sure what happened to the deer then.. but the lead guy said something in a different tongue and the wolves calmed down. So the leader, in a sense, was responsible for the wolves going after the deer... So I , in a sense was part of something larger than myself that was doing things I didn't agree with...

Then the dream turned into a japanese movie.. dubbed and all. A man was running from the last scene after a girl (was me kinda.. like I was her, but she was more like japanese anime). He caught up to her and put spikes in her eyes, arms... etc.. then put a sword in her thigh starting near the knee up (long sword) and positioned so she couldn't get it out herself. Odd thing was .. he loved her, she loved him... but neither voiced it... it was like he was going away or couldn't be with her and didn't know what to do about it and expressed his emotions by attacking her.

and on a lighter more cheery note...

I have been taking a drawing class... which isn't so much drawing .. it is more of a let loose, break boundries class... but you draw...

Anyhoo.. have been enjoying it but felt I should do more of the exercises while I'm outside of class so I really learn, improve etc. Soooo wanted to get an easel.. but didnt' want to spend too much in case I don't stick to it, but didn't want a piece of doo... anyhoo.. went over to an art supply store today and low and behold an easel that was normaly 300 and something... now down to $49 because it had the wrong varnish. :D Nice!!!!

And I am in my own cube now... so no more office mate decore like lollipop kids flowers poking me in the back...

And I am whacking away at my debts...

My little health issue is way improved .... working with a naturopath
Taking the stairs daily.. was 28 flights a day, now 33 ...
Lost 15lbs effortlessly (naturopath said this would happen)

The boy called me back... (still undecided if it is a good thing.. but.. we'll put it here for now)

Car is working good

Might sell some stuff...

Ummm oh and planning a trip to london/nottingham/ireland/n. ireland and scotland

:)

time vs. pain vs. ???

ok... that below bit about the test... ideally would be great if I could figure that out sooner rather than later... and now that I'm just focussing on that question .. should be simpler... I hope

and sooner.. would be nice if sooner happened by the end of October ...
wouldn't it??

*I will have most of my debts paid off by then.
*I "wanted" to take a 3 week vacation then (england/ireland/n. ireland).. but now can't because my boss is leaving for a wedding at one end.. and it is busy season here at work on the other...
*I don't want to go through another busy season here..
*and ... I've had it... my boss doesn't reprimand my exofficemate and she just gets worse.. and we all are just supposed to deal
*and my boss, lovely as she is... well.. she is GREAT at what she used to do.. but she just isn't cut out to be a manager... she needs to be a comedian/speaker/writer.. she'd be great at those

ok... and the infp part.. he says I'm basically 100% feeling (the "f" part) and pretty high on intuitive (the "i" part) so I tend to feel the "pain" of being in the wrong situation more than the average joe... so I'm really not a whiner.. if you all felt like I feel... you'd probably be doing the same thing.

hmmm.... so what do I care about or want to solve....
lots

I'll need to narrow that down.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... sorta

that was kind of a screaming aaaaah... not a relaxing sigh aaawwwhh. and sorta because I'm not really screaming.. but I am.. but I'm not.. but I am... etc.

that test I took a few months ago.. listened to the conversation w/ the fella again the other day.

a summary:
he said I scored off the charts in certain areas (this isn't a good or a bad thing.. just makes me not "fit in")
* extreme introvert
*high diagnostic reasoning score
*high spacial reasoning score
*high analytical reasoning score
*high "maestro" score ... meaning that my mind works very differently from the general crowd - the opposite would be considered a tribal...
*high idea flow - which means my mind comes up with ideas quickly/often, creative, etc.... also means usually have poor stick-to-itedness... hard time concentrating... high idea flow is good for say a comedian, artist, short projects... etc.

there were others but these were the ones that I was "off the charts" on and seem to be the most important in a career choice.. (minus analytical skills.. he said it is beneficial, but doesn't "choose" the path). The other is the infp... I think that is what I am...

anyhoo, he said with the scores and the infp bit.. I make up like 1/4 of 1% of the population.. and so if I don't feel understood or connect with folks, there is a reason.

oh.. also .. w/ the infp bit... those types need to do something they care about. so for example, let's say I'm a photographer... and I care about animal rights... well doing fashion shoots will probably drive me crazy.. sure I'm doing something I'm talented/good at/enjoy.. but if I dont' care about it.. I'll lose interest....

So.. the question he said I should ask myself is what in the world do I want to fix, what problem do I want to solve....... etc...

ack

aaah.... (a demi scream)