Day 31 - more dreams - scissors and fishnets

Ok totally didn't sleep well last night. Not sure if I miss the gentle rolling of my hollywood bedframe or??

Anyhoo... had some strange dreams.. keep dreaming about my home town and people from it which is strange.

I dreamt I was going to some destination there and was late/lost/couldn't find it.. was an anxious feeling. Then in another blip of a dream was at some party. I didn't fit in or want to. There were people all dressed for attention and shock value. Then these girls started making out together, but you could tell it was all just for show and attention. I was trying to leave or find a way out. Then I was sitting on the floor w/ some of the people that were talking.. and one girl takes some scissors out and cuts my fishnets (guess I was dressed up too). I said "HEY!" getting her to stop and said I've had these for years, they are DKNY (???) and how dare she try and hurt someone else's things and why would she do it... She was a short haired, bleach blond little person, lots of makeup... anyhoo. then she asked where I got them... I said Nordstroms, then realized I shouldn't try and sound posh, so I said.. the Rack... and they were all ok with that .. strange.

:-s

Day 30 - Lots of dreams

Ok.... lots of linked dreams that are slowly disolving

Boss out of town, me checking her messages for her, Angelina Jolie had called saying she wasn't happy w/ the adoption service... Two guys in the office.. one guy looked like a guy that had a crush on me from 6th grade to my senior year. The other guy was nice??

Another part of a dream with a really big shark in it... wanted to tell someone who was in the water about it but couldn't get to him... but it wasn't like it was a panic feeling more like, hey... you are late for a meeting silly.. type of feeling...

Another part had some lady w/ short hair...??

boy I'm forgetting things

some really simple insights that were so simple I thought.. oh .. I'll remember those later...

hmmm
crud

ok... what a weekend

Started Friday w/ a Tango concert which I thought was going to be part music part dance performance. Turned out to be alllllll tango music w/ a tango opera. Could have passed on the tango opera but the rest was pretty good.

Then I went w/ my friend Melissa to Higgins (local restaurant/bar)... ran into my exbf's parents (hid behind melissa most of the time) ... and we split a chocolate cake in olive oil drissle w/ olive jam... crazy sounding, but good.

oh... and I've not had my car now since last Tuesday (was supposed to go to nyc, but cancelled to save vacation days for a visitor in March/April - which now might also be cancelled)... so I put my car in the shop. It has been really nice going car free. I've been fortunate to have no rain though, so I'm sure when that comes, it won't be as fun to be bop around the city by foot and transit. It has been ok so far besides the riding home after the Tango thing. A guy sat behind me and kept pulling on my hair... grrrrr. But I did forget how much I like to go on long walks, very nice.

Went to a wedding Saturday night. Was very nice and not such a production as most (thank god). Was small and wonderful. Although I wish I had someone that I cared about there. Usually it is fun to be single at events like that but when you care about someone, it can feel a little empty.

Sunday was a zombie for a bit (champagne at the wedding)... then went for a nice cold brisk walk outside around the river. Saved the day.

Was hit on at the wedding by some??? well.. a nice enough guy but sheesh ... couldn't stop bragging about how much money he makes, his italian suits etc. and so on.. What a waste of a human life... hopefully he breaks out of it someday.

Oh! and on a anti my goals - note... I bought a headboard!!!!! Soooo excited. I haven't had a headboard since I was a kid. Just something about it that feels secure (besides not losing your pillows between the bed and wall from the hollywood bed frame rolling around). Also bought a chair for the livingroom. :-s I need to eat ramen now for the next few months.

2007 - Day 26 - dreams - empty brain stuff

ok.. dream about my dog I think?? my brother made these cartoon looking dogs, kind of big and would sit them outside and some old lady walked by and talked to it. Then I went out side and my dog (that I used to have) sophie ran up to me.. In my dream she was someone else's. She turned on her back and let me pet her belly and that was it.

-

ok.. mind dump

stressed

not sure which way to go next...

what is on my mind

card idea... have had it a while... brother sent me link of someone doing something similar, but not as good and not w/ the intended feelgood purpose.. do I do it? hmm

seniors getting shoved off to retirement homes/centers/small communities instead of being part of communities, we are losing history, learning, sharing, etc.. just doesn't feel right, how to fix...

design job.. wanted to do design (clothing) all my life... but then it felt not involved enough... like it is superficial.. found a job in w/ a company I like a lot that I qualify for even though I haven't been in the design world... will apply for.. but not sure it is right for me anymore...

anyone else reading this thinking this gal really thinks too much and maybe should just work.. eh? ;)

going to a wedding tomorrow night should be fun

found a headboard on sale... don't "have" to have it... but have always wanted one (haven't since I left home).. and it is on sale... :) and matches... like a GOOD sale.. hmmmm

can pay off car this week... would be smarter to put money on running crcardbill.. but I will always carry a balance on it.. so maybe just get rid of car debt.

ummm.... need to finish this book I've been reading for too long ;) good book.
but have more coming and don't want to get too behind and have guilt books looming over me ;)

arlighty...

someone just came by to say hi and I know he will cheer me up...

end of blog for today ;)

Day 25 - dreams - bridal shower

Day 24 dream
umm should have written this down yesterday...??
something in a house, my mother and father (who have been divorced since I was born) had been in a fight of sorts .. mom pushed his buttons and he had had it... ??

another part trying on clothes in a dept. store, but the dressing room shutter blinds wouldn't stay shut, nor would the door and there was a line of ladies right outside the door, then I looked for some solution and I went through another door w/ some other women. Some sales ladies walked in and moved some walls around and it turned into this beautiful room with dark wood collumns etc...

all I can recall a the moment

Day 25 dream
First I was dating some guy.. seemed to have it going on, but something seemed false. Like he was standing on not so steady ground. We were staying at some resort, fancy hotel, golfing, water, etc. He was leaving or? but some how I "broke-up" with him either by not going with him or leaving him. I was walking the resort grounds and ran into his friends (man & wife) and they told me it was a good thing I didn't go with him, he was an alcoholic and full of "it."
Then I'm walking with my dad and step mom and they want me to see this water feature at the resort. I guess it is amazing (mind you we've been walking through water tunnels etc. seeing neat underwater features). For this feature you either have to hold your breath under a tunnel while swimming for a long ways or scuba (I'm not licensed)... so I passed.

Later dream - I was with a robot. It was a guy robot (had a man's voice/personality), all silver, basic human shape and lips that moved. It was acting more human than robot which kind of scared me so I pushed a button to turn it off. It shut down and then came back on 2 seconds later. I did it again.. same thing happened.. Then it talked to me and gave me the idea it liked me and it wanted a kiss. I'm thinking.. ok, what is the harm, it is metal, it will just be quick, etc... so then it kisses me and somehow can kiss good (who woulda thunk). and I pull back and am in shock. Then I close my eyes and open them and there is this huge blubbery guy in front of me... like.. man breasts, massive belly w/ no shape as to wear the waist line would have been. He had a full shirt tattoo that was brightly colored with green leaves and red flowers and petals and vines. It was 3D in a way in that the leaf would poke out on the edges like he had things inserted under his skin for the effect. :-s Then he started telling me that he had lost a lot of weight and he showed me a picture of his sister (who was a large girl, but w/ some shape). He said on the island they get treated better than at home (I'm assuming the u.s.). He said the island natives are generally large, so he doesn't feel so out of place here...
Then I woke up.

_____

Ok.... wedding shower last night for the fastest planned wedding. Was done in 2 weeks (flowers, decor, etc. still not done). I had purchased these beautiful glasses years back, just two. They were quite spendy, so my excuse was that if I ever got married, they would be our toasting glasses. Well, after one of my many move, the movers killed that idea and broke one. Sooooooo ... bride to be says .. "we are not going to do a unity candle, but someone told us the idea of pouring two glasses of wine into one and then drinking from the same glass... we just need to find a glass. Ta Da!!!! Anyhoo.. I'm glad it can be used for its somewhat original purpose. :)

2007 - day 23 - dream and stuff

Ok.. had some mixed up dreams...

There was about three that sort of linked together. In each of them, I was in or near buildings that were all natural wood color.. not fresh light pine, but dark wood, like one was inside a barn, another inside a house or?? and another I was at some school grounds and the buildings were all made of dark wood/stone/brick and lots of trees around and warm cloudy days.

The barn one I was looking at this barn that my dad and step mom were in. it had high ceilings, good light, unfinished etc. I told them if they ever wanted to sell it, to let me know because I would love it. She was hanging up fancy dresses, not sure what my dad was doing.

Another I was in this house or ?? buidling.. again unfinished wood inside. There was an older man there I think our teacher of sorts. Other people were there like three others and I'm not sure who they were. He had some treats on the counter.. fruit tarts, and.. old fashioned types of treats. He was teaching us something with a compass I think?? we were near water. Not sure

The last I was on some old campus grounds... the grounds's trails were hard dirt between grass and leaves. Lots of old trees, little buildings here and there. We were suposed to go on some trip on a bus and go buy or register for the tickets at the campus church.. which was this very old church. It all had a cozy feel, very nice. A guy I went to school with (like Jr. High through High School) was in my dream. He was one of those quiet guys, really nice, smart etc.. got lost in the social shuffle of popularity and nonpopularity. Anyhoo, I had a crush on him when I was about 12. So in my dream he walks up to me to see if I'm going to go buy my ticket. Kind of a checking in to see if we both are on track. It was a nice cozy feeling. The innoccent kind of just having a nice friend around.

:)

Ok.. back to reality of noncozy. I peeked at jobs and saw the lists occupations I'm perfect for (experience-wise) and it made me nauseous. I don't want to stay in what I'm doing. I don't think I have enough motivation left in me to fake it anymore.

Soooo... hmmmm

2007 - day 20 - dream

Was in community kitchen…. Supposed to go back to room
They wanted me to throw a foam thing across into the main dining room (like a restaurant)
I’m staying at some boarding place. I’m new
They are nice and I am comfortable for the most part. I know I normally wouldn’t be w/out my privacy but some things like having meals cooked and people to say hello to is nice.
At one point I’m looking for a little black girl who I’m responsible for or is mine.. I ask someone behind a kiosk in another area.. asking if she has seen a mouse around dressed like mini… I find her.. I sit her down and tell her I have found her some lunch (my lunch that I didn't eat)… a burrito or a wrap of some sort and I wrap it in tissue and netting so she can hold it w/out it spilling everywhere.

- - - - -- - -
The sun looks super pretty this morning... reminds me of something, not sure what. Well.. the blue sky w/ the clouds. I'll have to get out of the house today. My shoulder is out so can barely move it, right side. Hmmm

Maybe a good day for a walk on Alberta, check out the new shops etc. I need to get away and figure out what to do next. I've got 6 months to plan and maybe figure something out... :-s

2007 - Day 15

ok.. I'll insert a dream I had then continue

I was in jail.. each inmate had one bag of posessions... one guy had a duffle of clothes, car keys etc. I was rooming w/ the blond guy from "thank you for not smoking." My mom came to visit and she mentioned that I should be watching my weight. In the dream she was pretty heavy herself and 6' tall (in reality she is 5'2"). Jail was comfortable, not like nice... but emotionally comfortable and I was seeing my cell mate who was quite a sweety.

Another part of the dream.. Allen (a guy that was a neighbor of a good friend of mine over a year ago, who I had a crush on pre-meeting, then found he was into renaissance fairs and 24/7 video gaming). He wanted to sell organic dog food, no fillers, made from real food etc. He was trying to raise money for it. I think I had to write several papers then I said that I would help him
ralley at dog parks to tell people about it to see if they were excited... they were.

____

Ok, on with day 15. It is Monday, after a semi-3-day weekend. I was told at 8:50 a.m. on day 12 that I was getting RIF'd (reduction in force). I would have done the same, I barely had enough to keep me busy. So I have 6 months to find something else (not bad really). I spent day 12-14 not thinking about it. I just let myself enjoy not stressing about what my boss might put on my plate when I was going to tell her (pre-rif-ing) that I needed more to do.

So that is it for now. Mind is open.. not sure what I'll do next... ;) First a trip to NYC that was already planned...

2007 day 5... dream... hiding, leaking burning house

ok.. so last night's dream

was in a bathroom stall.. cowering.. I had it locked.. feet up on the seat... clasping my purse.. someone was knocking at the door.. It was as if I just became conscious. Like I was drunk and out of it and now just realized where I was but not sure why. I then had a flash back of someone trying to get to me, me running to my car trying to get safe in time... then it not working and running to some public restroom and locking the outside door as well as the stall. When I came out of the restroom the man was there. He had broken into my car searching for something ... I ran.. ended up at some house. I'm not remembering much about this part. I know there were other people there, a female who owned the house.. it was "creative" in its decor... lots of missing walls, ceilings dripping.. etc.. the man was still after me/us (there was a guy there too, another - keep me safe - kind of guy) we set the house on fire so that some ? evidence wouldn't be there and so we could run out.. and tell the insurance adjuster... who just happened to be there as well... nice lady.

___

Still can't seem to wake up in the morning. I even came home last night and went straight to cleaning up my place (usually if my place is a mess, I don't want to "be" there so don't get up all perky). House feels better. but something still doesn't feel right. It is a .. need to break away from old habits, patterns, things, .. feel.. and move on to other things.. But maybe like getting rid of a tooth that is just hanging by a string.. you know you don't want it there.. but it hurts to pull it.

2007 - Day 4 - dream

Dream from last night...
Was on some sort of race, but through a town/village. A running race, in street clothes, had a purse over my shoulder, etc. I know I was ahead for the most part and doing well. At one point I stopped (can't remember why) and was slowed a bit.. I needed shoes or?? something. This young fella, blondish with a beard (kind of bohemian, NW outdoorsy) was helping me with supplies. He was very kind, looked down at me and said: "you know I'm am here for you anytime you need something." Was a nice feeling for a sec... then I went off running again and realized I took the wrong route that would set me back a bit and put me on the other side of a river from the race. I ran and hopped on this small wooden ferry and just made it. There were three blond women on there who were saying things to me that were very rude/hurtful etc. The seemed like rich girls, covered in nice clothes, blond streaks, machine tanned, eyeliner and bleached teeth. They were so mean and I felt they were going to create some sort of small hell for me so as I ran by, I pushed two of them in the river :-s and then ran past the next one.. then I woke up. I know there was more to it, but can't remember at the moment.

___

I need to get myself sorted. I have been ping ponging, which usually means there is something I'm not taking care of. Car is working, taking care of health (exercise, nutrition, etc.), everything is done at work so I'm thinking it must be a planning thing, what do I do next with my life.. what do I want.. and so on.

Also.. part of me feels like getting rid of the old to make room for the new. IE... I have lots of "things" that have memories to them.. do I keep them? Sometimes I think I'd feel so free if I didn't have all that. Sometimes I feel like it is proof that I have been here or a representative of my life so far. Hmm not sure. Getting rid of this stuff isn't like cutting your hair ... the stuff won't grow back. I need a time capsule company that will hold all my items like that... just in case I ever get married, have kids, grandkids ... and they want to know about grandma. Maybe write a secret novel as well.. that they can only read after I'm gone. ;)

ok.. back to work I suppose...

Oh! signed up for a tap class - starts next week - updates on that later
and a speed reading class... was bored
and at some point can update on the trip to UK . I can't call it a vacation. It was a "trip" .... head trip, travel trip, etc.

2007 ... day 3

Day 3... got up at 4 a.m. , went back to bed, got up again.. had some strange dreams

first one - started w/ being at someone's house. lot of adult women, strong personalities. A little girl was there ... playing.. I was her sometimes, not her sometimes... a cat got caught in a tree but was wrapped up in spider webs/moth cocoon webs... no one wanted to get past all the gunk to save it..felt bad for it but that is it at one point. One of the adult woman was looking for a sock? or wrist band or something the little girl lost.. was looking for it and kind of expected me to have answers for her of its where abouts.. I looked for it too.. it was more to get the woman on her way and away from me and somewhat for recognition/approval. Found the wrist band and gave it to the woman.. no response/approval etc. Then the cat was the little girl... so she was stuck up in the web muck and couldn’t get out.. they interchanged a lot (cat to girl to cat).. but then something bad was coming for the cat.. like a tree alligator (remember, this is a dream) and the cat fought itself out.
Then a continued dream.. I was talking to this guy (who actually works in my building, never have spoken to him before or anything.. so not sure why he is in my dream). There were nice feelings there... we liked each other. He took me for a drive to go get something and I saw two guys I went to high school with (also guys I never had a class with or knew or spoke to)... they were in jeans, cowboy hats, moving hay stacks. They looked at us and said.. well look at the two (insert home town here)ians... . Felt sort of embarrassed like we had never left our hometown..
Then I was in a house.. my mom was trying to take me to some doctor... something was wrong with me.. or so she thought... he would say.. well you are feeling this way so we should do "abc" and I said.. no.. I'm not feeling that way. Doctor : "When you worked at Jones Farm didn't..." Me: "I never worked at Jones Farm." He was like some mental/experimental ?? something doc. He was trying to corner me into saying something that would allow him to either do something to me.. or give me drugs.. either of which would incapacitate me. He picked up a moth and placed it on the door jam which I was walking through (it was some sort of magical way of making me stop).. Didn't work, I didn't believe in his magic I guess. So that was that.. I remember some other female in the dream that was nice though.. kind of a feminine, nurturing type of person with long hair and a floral dress.
____
so... besides that.. sitting at work with not much to do.
____
2007 day 2
Umm was bored at work with not much to do, so I signed up for a speed reading class and a tap dancing class. Went to 2 aerobics classes and was kind of low energy.
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2007 day 1
Was a good day. Went to a morning aerobics class that was hilarious. There was a short pigtailed redhead leading the class with a booming low voice and she parntered with a very tall, larger brunette with a bit of a lisp. They were sooo funny and what a great way to wake up.
Went shopping later, went to a fun grocery store and bought some fun juice (acai w/ cacao) and ostrich burger.
I rearranged my place - may have finally found "the" spot for my couch. Did some sketching.. which I might paint later. Watched a movie "Friends with Money." And read a bit.
____
2006 Last day
Hmmm went for a drink w/ a friend... was FREEZING outside. Went home, watched DaVinci Code... in bed before midnight. Was actually just right.