not ready

I dreamt that I was possibly traveling. It is hard to say. I know that I was in an inbetween place on the way to somewhere, and needed to keep my things together. It wasn't a place to unpack and it wasn't a place to do anything in particular. I was there with RVB. He and I were on a trip together. He was very enthused and I was wanting to be enthused. His enthusiasm almost felt like it was only for enthusiasm sake and not for the reasons he would give me (which were he and I being together). Or maybe he believed it, but he didn't know the reality, so that is what made me less than enthused. It didn't feel real. I needed to go to the ladies, so I walked away from him to this room. A friend of mine AS (from a class) was there. She always seemed like such a strong willed personality. Gr was there too (from work). We were taking care of things in our suitcases and milling around. I felt like I was the only one that didn't belong. I was milling for milling's sake. I didn't have something I really wanted to look at, but looked to look busy. I didn't really have a reason to be there, but wanted to see what it is I was "supposed" to be doing like a normal person. I think AS could feel it or was disturbed by what she saw wasn't fitting what she felt. I asked her if she was doing to do anything with her Esthetician's license.  She said yes. I was shocked. She hated it. She said that her son was uncomfortable one day, and so she touched a place on his face, his neck and so on and he felt better. She wanted to use it for healing. I had a uncomfortable feeling in my gut. I wasn't upset with her, I was upset with me. It wasn't jealousy, but in a way some form of it.. more that it was mad at myself for not knowing. Why wasn't I "sure" like other people. How could I not know what I want and like like other people?  Gre and AS and I were standing around a table. Organizing our things back in our bags. There was a soft ball type thing in the middle that had lost earrings stuck in it. And then one beautiful square cut crystal was dangling off a string. I wondered why it was there.

RVB came to our room. He was chatting, being completely agreeable, completely enthusiastic, energetic and so on. Why did this annoy me? Maybe it felt like pressure.. I wasn't there and I didn't want to feel like I had to be. But it makes one feel like "what is wrong with me that I am not?"  We had to go. Part of me had wanted to leave much sooner, the other part didn't feel ready.