dream of the night

started off with ?? dinner with a friend I used to work with. He is married and he was making moves on me which I didn't care for... So I moved to another table politely and acted as though I was falling asleep. He bought me a glass of wine before he left and I pretended to enjoy it. Icky feeling...

Then still in the restaurant, now house, it was my exbf's or his brother's or...? I was walking around and his brother's gf was there... I told her I was just there to drop something off or something like that... again, an uncomfortable feeling, like I was doing something I shouldn't be or some place I shouldn't be...

Then a blond, made-up gal comes in, and has a "I'm a snob" air about her... . She says "I'll give you solar?? sessions if you would buy this house." More of a "do me a favor dear... but I don't really mean it, because I know you won't buy it." She must have just come from some solar thing because she had these huge goggles on and was sweating a little around the forehead. The house at this point was a friend of mine's and his partner's and they were selling it. It still had some of their furniture in it here and there. It was a huge single story, multi level, lots of windows, modern-esque... lots of angles here and there to feel like the outside was inside... nice, but also foreboding, creepy, ... had an odd feel, like it was too much to handle, was nice and what everyone might want.. so you felt the urge to buy, but it wasn't what I wanted. I think the two sides of me were confused about that and why I felt what I felt etc.

Then my friend's dog was trying to get my attention so I would go somewhere.. it pulled me to an outside spot where there was a pond with kind of eerie frogs and lizards... no movement in the water and then I saw a baby chick and I took it out of the water. Then I woke up.

but I woke up to a voice in my ear saying "comment by atkins."

All left me with a creepy feeling this morning.

I kind of feel like it is a review of some of my life though. :-s Being, doing, having things that are not me just because it is the thing to do. Hard to break out sometimes to see what is you. Hmm...

_____

At work. Not motivated. Need to be.

Have an awards show to go to in LA. Got a dress this weekend etc. Not really looking all that forward to it.

My brother's roommate is going back to germany soon. Not looking forward to that either. We have a really good time, can read each other well. Was nice having him around.

ok... time to work.

cactus roses

ok.. not sure I spelled that right.. and don't care too much at the moment

have been busy busy lately... I got an extension on my job. That PM that sucked on the previous post? Well, she got canned and they gave me the project. :) Also there have been hints of creating a job "like what I'm doing"... and/or being the dept. manager. Nice for the ego, but not sure i want it.

I have done a handful of informational interviews and learned yet another thing about myself... I like project work, but short projects, and more of the concept end than anything. Not a big fan of being a task master. It is ok when everyone is as efficient, cares about getting things done, etc. as you, but when they are not, it just stresses me out. I don't know if I want that on a regular basis. Makes me feel better each time I learn something ... as well as realize that .. hmm if it stresses you out.. maybe you don't like that ?? Crazy how the mind works and well... more like how you have trained your mind to work. I'm sure it was helpful to talk myself into things at one point in my life but it sure was a mind $#@* for later when I can't even read simple signs.

anyhoo... had several dreams... one about me writing. I tell myself daily that I hate to write, but I think I just hate to write about things I don't care about. So anyway, I wrote this ?? piece, guess it was amazing and got a lot of attention.. mentioned something about a ? yellow rose?? and so people from all over the world were sending me these cactus plants that had yellow roses. My director was there and she said she had taken all the letters that came w/ the plants and had them filed. I wanted to see them, but they "owned" them now or something.

Her office was covered in shelves of Italian pottery and boxes of pasta. Strange.


Let see.. had another that involved traveling.. like was on a train, then a ship etc.. but wasn't sure where exactly I was supposed to go or if I was on the right train. (ok, that isn't a hard one to interpret). But met people on the way and it was nice and adventurous.

I'm at hurry up and wait again at work.

*sigh*

getting down to the wire

I have exactly five weeks left of incoming paychecks (not really work, because there isnt' much to do). That consultant has introduced me to some folks, so have been doing that... and tonight I have to have to have to have to rewrite my resume. Which for me for some reason is torture. I need to change that attitude though. It isn't rocket science so I don't know what my problem is.

Ok.. maybe part of it is I'm writing for something I'm not sure I want.. oh well

Oh and this is me procrastinating.

Let's see.... not sure if there is anything else exciting going on. Still meditating. Do about 2 hours total a day (split up). I think I am more patient, tolerant etc. So far it is a good thing and I enjoy it. I kind of feel high afterwards.... not that I would know what that felt like.... ahem.

We had a meeting today. The consultant gal was handing over a project to this new PM that she hired and the poor woman SUCKED! She has all the training/credentials and so on, but training does not a PM make. You either have that mind set or you don't. Which brings me to another grrrrrr topic. PMC (project management certification).... what a joke. I mean.. again, you either know how to project manage, have sought out tools or you don't. The PMI is make a ton of dough on this joke. It is basically a vocabulary book regarding PM and they take something very simple and make it as complicated as possible. PMs w/ the certification I'm sure want to keep it because it gives them a step up and more $$, but really, PMs are smart.. they should say something. It is not like them (at least the good ones) to be sheep. I don't get it.

Ok.. just did some more time wasting.. made some really bad coffee... tossed it cleaned the cup. Now making tea and haven't even openned up my resume. Maybe I'll put on that meditative music and focus. :-s

oh.. one more thing.. had a dream about the german fella (brother's roomie) and his gf. I dreamt that she was my friend and was telling me she was seeing someone else in germany that made her very happy and she wasnt' sure how to tell him. Then I saw him and was excited to see him and we just sat there and hugged. Very bizarre... Seemed very real.

ok... now I'll write.

levitation

ok.. had a really scary dream this morning. I was in my bed just as I was.. and was on a meditation high of sorts.. and my arms started levitating. At first it was kind of cool.. then I thought... maybe the rest of me could.. so I could feel it in my stomach.. getting lighter and then lifting but then it felt like someone was grabbing my arms.. but I couldn't see.. was so scary. So then I forced myself to "wake-up" in my dream... and I got out of bed and ran to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I went to look in the mirror and I couldn't see my reflection. I was panicked and hit the mirror w/ my hand.. almost trying to make it work and it wouldn't.

Then I looked up again and I could see very dark brown hair (mine is dishwater) and was almost scared to see the face, but then it was mine.

Oy! what a scary dream.

Then that went into being at some function.. trying to find my step mom and dad. They were there.. then my aunt was there w/ her daughter, daughter's husband and kids. My aunt had made them all matching clothes.. fushia and turquoise sating dresses w/ ruffles and lace (:-s) and then matching shirts for the boys and they had lace ruffles a the bottom of their pants. They seemed fine with it. I remember feeling somewhat lost or out of place... then I woke up.

~~~~
And some nice news...

Was in a meeting w/ company biz consultants - they are working on cleaning up a process in our dept. At the end the gal asks me to stay after then says that she doesn't usually do this but she has a good feel for people and she thinks I"m quick, smart etc.. and wants me to work in her dept. and/or somewhere better.. even if it isn't w/ the company. :) Made my day. ;)

Oy...

Ok.. been doing all these great exercises.. can "feel" the difference.. but I think the beers, chocolate etc. every night w/ brother's roommate are not helping the "seeing" the difference part. Will experiment this week w/ no beer (or maybe one light beer).

I'm exhausted.. not due to exercise, not due to lack of sleep.. I think due to speaking English to someone who doesn't know it so well. Oy... didn't realize how much effort it took to speak very simply and/or having to explain lots of vocabulary. Yesterday I think I was tanked out... couldn't even talk. Then last night couldn't sleep so much...

Today I should really try to focus on work. Like real work.. well... I have some things on my plate now that they officemate is gone.. but it was really her deal... her expertise .. not mine... will take me 4 times as long to due since I know nothing on the subject and will have to not only learn it... but then write it ... with not being an expert.. hmmmm..... I guess I don't see it as the best use of my time.. ;) Would rather rewrite my resume and apply for jobs. ;)

OK... either way I guess I better get to something.

Oh.. and been having lots of dreams .. umm ?? "physically romantic" ahem.. dreams.. ok.. not the full deal or anything.. just of lot of innuendo/intent. I usually don't have those dreams.. it is a little disturbing. In love dreams... good... just ?? odd situations .. no so much.

Meditation, DVD stuff.. neat neat

Ok.. was doing these exercises from this dvd.. I exercise and jog etc. in general, but these were different and I wanted to check it out. Had to do with kind of moving around your insides, stimulating glands etc. (love trying out new exercises).... So.. after only 11 days.. and 15 mintues a day.. lost 11 inches (measuring calves, thighs, waist, etc.) And on top of that.. haven't lost an ounce. So pretty interesting. I usually bulk up w/ exercises, so this was a nice change.

Now I'm trying the 60 minute workout by the same person... I'll have to report back on that after about 30 days or so. I just measured though again after doing it for 2 days and I have lost a total of 5 inches in my waistline alone. Nice

Also, been reading about brainwaves and meditation and so on and am checking out this meditation cd w/ sounds.. Have only tried it twice so far (not supposed to do more than once a day) and so far it does put me in a pretty good state. I'll give more feedback on that one too in about 30 days. ;)

I've been showing around my brother's roommate lately. (my brother is out of town and his roommate is visiting the U.S. for only 6 months - he is an inturn & German). I find myself coming home and speaking in an accent in my head. ;) Kind ov fun, don't ewe sink?

Rescue Blue

Had a dream I was a spy or something.. or worked w/ some sort of agency. I was in an airplane and we were scouting for where our people were. We were in England or something. Very green, village-y. My dad was supposed to parachute out and I was trying to show him that where he was parachuting was a trap. The people were all dead. He jumped though because he didn't understand what I was saying. So I landed and then was going to get a car or something so I could go rescue him. I was in a house looking for keys or something when one of the bad guys was in there. So I ran out to the neighbors and hid.. The old man there was helping me and helped hide me. I called my dad to tell him he was in a trap and I was coming as soon as I could.

Another dream type thing I was in a store with my boss. We were getting supplies of some sort. Again I was in a foreign country, this time Germany I think. I was shopping around and then ran in to Mariena. My ex-bf's brother's gf. She was with her brother. Before I ran into her the word "blue" came into my head and something told me it was important.. then she came around the corner and she had her hair died black with strips of blue. She was there to get a job in a club. Not sure if she was bartending, singing or what. Then that was the end of it.

mind is spinning

been reading some good stuff lately. I can't stop reading... first started reading two books w/ similarities.. that both had activities... then reading another two books that also have activities.

It has kept me awake and focussed at work. ;)

Been doing these actual physical exercises lately too that have changed how my body works?? kinda sounds strange, but I'll give more details as it goes... we'll see what happens. Kind of fun. :)

I'll report back on this stuff when more happens I guess.

Not sure what my dream was last night.. but yesterday woke up to Olivia Newton John's song.. We have to believe we are magic.... followed by kajagoogoo's Too shy... hmmm

dreams painting and happy

moving paintings around for a painting exhibtion

guy/dad like figure was saying "paint , be creative.. paint down what ever comes up in your mind..."

so at the same time.. he was painting an apple.... and the guy right next to him was painting a very similar picture w/ a diff medium (chalk on suran wrap)..The older guy looked over then crumpled up his apple painting.

then there were parts about this art person.... him visiting - not a good feeling
another blip of a radio saying.. "check to see if he knew her number before.. blah blah blah"
this girl there saying thank you to me for being a good friend
moving around "pin" boards to place the art on
I was organizing... everyone else was painting
-----
separate dream

this older man came up to be and said.. "I see you are having trouble with this idea (the idea being doing things for me), unless you are happy, you never reach full peace... and peace is the energy/vibes that you want to spread, so do what it takes to be happy"

trains, planes and zombies...

Ok.. this weekend I had a zombie dream... was with some friends, some people I didn't know.. all staying in a house in a warm place like southern california. Half of the people left because they knew the zombies were coming, and I stayed there with a guy (older, chubby, teddy bear type) and 3 little kids. We locked all the doors and sat there and played card games and kept the kids quiet. The zombies were constantly banging on the front door and this red ooze was coming through it. I went to the kitchen and was about to look out side to see how bad it was and he said "NO, don't look outside whatever you do" as soon as they see you these locks won't hold... etc. They are just mindlessly banging right now.

Then last night I had a dream I was on a train trip with some friends. Terry (this gal that lives near me) was in the back reading (I had just seen her that yesterday reading in the courtyard). She said.. oh.. are n't you supposed to jump off here? Everyone else had gotten off but me. The train started going and she was wearing my shoes.. I was trying to get them back and then it was too late to jump. I ended up getting off in the next town (and it was like we were in northern south america or something). There wasn't much in the next town. I got off and tried to find them. I stopped at a merchant to ask where I could look around, he pointed towards the town which looked pretty picturesque. Didn't mind if I didn't find them. Then this man was trying on shoes, they had the same green pattern on them that mine did.. and I mentioned it... that was about it.. oh... but there was some kid zombie in this one .. just walking down the street... I would just avert my eyes.

Japanese, Trams, ice skating

Let's see... didn't sleep a whole lot last night but dreamt a lot

I remember one where I was with this japanese kid and his dad. The kid and an icecream and I was trying to show him how to eat it so it wouldn't drip all over. .. He thought it best that we both eat it. Then they were gone and it was getting late and I wasn't sure where to go. I remembered the man saying "if you ever get lost, take tram 4" ... or something like that. So I took tram 4, got off on the platfrom. There were empty benches and one w/ about 4-5 Japanese young guys. I was a little nervous walking by them, but one of them recognized me and told the others to leave me alone (in Japanese, so I guess I just knew he said that).

Next one I was either in school or involved in some sort of club, school, group. We were all just arriving and meeting people and were supposed to find a skating partner. I ended up with some guy. In my dream I was a really good skater.. was really fun. I know there was more to this dream. Can't remember at the moment.

New Stuff

Taking a metals ?? class. Spent last night sawing metal and learning about saudering.. fun fun.

Signing up for a class re: metal clay.

Moved to another floor at work.

All crazy makers kind of have disolved out of my life magically.

My friends Annie and Tom had their baby! :D

Friend Penny bought a home.

That is about it for now. ;)

Ding dong the witch is dead!

Ok.. a looooooooooooooooooong time coming, but my office nemesis is finally gone!!! :D I don't want to dwell on the whole thing, but I learned some valueable lessons from this experience and I'm very happy that I'm free of her.

Lesson 1

If you run into crazy making people, nip it in the bud immediately and strongly.

Lesson 2

Don't think they will ever change.

Lesson 3

Know you are worth sticking up for... over being "nice" and hoping things will change.

and other updates

Career - leaving this one soon :) and off to other adventures :)

Health/balance - doing good ... clicking in place :)

Finances - Debt free!!!!! :)

Life is good!

in trouble

another futuristic dream.... ugh not remembering much.. had it all clear about 6:30 a.m... I really need to get unlazy and write it down when I wake up. ugh

---

I was cleaning out files this weekend.. did taxes.. etc. So I ran into these papers from some workshops I took. Some of the exercises were introspective, what did you enjoy when you were young/etc. and so on... One of the questions was an interesting one... What did you used to get in trouble for?...

I didn't get in trouble a lot because I was an out of sight out of mind kid, but maybe for not getting chores done/room cleaned... and that was due to dancing, making up routines, singing, ... Might be a little late for that as a career. ;)

Dream city - iron/beach/etc

1
had a dream the guy I was seeing went shopping for a new ironing board, iron etc.... the iron was $150, the board was around $4k. :-s... He said he wanted quality... but he didn't work and I did. oy.. made me nervous... Similar dream I think I was telling my step mom about it.. we were in some futuristic car (it knew where we were going so we didn't have to drive... or need to see through the windshield. You could have the windshield be a screen.... we were on the internet and I was showing her what he purchased. :-s. Then we arrived at some hospital.. not sure if I worked there or what, but I did have an apt. for a haircut. No one was there to give me one that was supposed to, then one girl sat me reluctantly in a chair to cut my hair... anyhoo.. not sure if she did it or I did, but my hair was cut in a horrible bob. I looked hideous. I was then supposed to go to some formal event and I was lucky and found a great, perfect fitting gown for only $45. The other women there were jealous for how nice I looked, so I tried to play myself down (really bad habit in reality).

2
Was at a Dave Knox's house for some reason. He has a huge home, one story. We were all there watching movies (this group I used to hang out with) and my mom and his mom etc. I fell asleep on the couch thing and I guess everyone headed out for the beach. He said I fell asleep the night before. I needed to go use the rest room and one was busy so I went to the one in his bedroom, but it had spiders in the shower curtain so I ran out. I ended up following them all to the beach with my mom and his. My mom though had half of her hair died dark brown, the other part a golden sort of platinum, and tha third part orange/red, but for some reason this looked really good on her and made her skin look porcelain white. Dave Knox led me to the driveway , which looked like we were going somewhere steep and dangerous, but ended up at the driveway. I looked down at his gravel driveway and there was stuff he dropped, two cork screws, pocket knife w/ a cork screw?? My mom and I were standing in the driveway and she was trying to talk me into that golden platinum color.. :-s

3
Had some dream somewhere in there where I was watching an older tv program... There was this address that had been popular back "then." She was a bit plump, but for some reason, the guys really liked her. She was cute.

I know I had more.. can't remember...

2007 - Day 33 - Vampire dreams - post w/ purpose update??

Dreams

Ok, had a dream that Val Kilmer was a vampire and he was after me and everyone.. but he didn't kill you or necessarily take a bite out of your neck.. because that would make you a vampire. He would take the skin off you... nice eh? So I have a boyfriend in the dream... short little guy with dark hair... ;) and we both get our faces ripped off. He is worried about how he looks etc.. and I told him I loved him no matter what, so don't worry. Then he asks me if I am still up for game night w/ our friends.. (kind of jokingly).. and he goes.. it is at our house tonight... so we end up having game night and stuff... strange. It did make me realize how strong love is though... real love. And that it can get past all that.. I knew I loved the person, and wanted to be w/ them and nothing else mattered.

Another dream was that I was ?? going from one house to the one next door, not wearing much... ?? like a towel.. and there were kittens running around... and some older people that lived there that were nice?? and giving me advice?? like kind of like the above.. just follow your heart.. forget about the rest... then my brother and friends were all packed up and ready to walk to the beach.. from portland no less.. at night in the rain. I was getting the rest of the gear.. but still needed to get some clothes and make sure the kittens were all in safe.. then I woke up.

_____
Ok.. I think way long ago I was going to do a post w/ the purpose of documenting some goals.. etc.

1. figure out where I fit better careerwise - ummm :-s not sure how far I have gotten.. know that I'm not a corp. girl or a marketing person... still exploring
2. balanced healthy life style
fitness - joined a boot camp, then aerobics, then hurt my shoulder/car in shop - so walked to work - which ended up being way better for slimming down my legs than bootcamp or aerobics... so need to figure if I should scrap aerobics and just walk
diet - went to natureopath - fixed some stomach issues, know what to eat so I don't have stomach issues, need to work on keeping away from the prob. stuff
mental/emotional health - fine/good??
3. $$ not sure this was on there.. - paid off car, working on the next bit and then finito.. just need to start investing after that

Day 31 - more dreams - scissors and fishnets

Ok totally didn't sleep well last night. Not sure if I miss the gentle rolling of my hollywood bedframe or??

Anyhoo... had some strange dreams.. keep dreaming about my home town and people from it which is strange.

I dreamt I was going to some destination there and was late/lost/couldn't find it.. was an anxious feeling. Then in another blip of a dream was at some party. I didn't fit in or want to. There were people all dressed for attention and shock value. Then these girls started making out together, but you could tell it was all just for show and attention. I was trying to leave or find a way out. Then I was sitting on the floor w/ some of the people that were talking.. and one girl takes some scissors out and cuts my fishnets (guess I was dressed up too). I said "HEY!" getting her to stop and said I've had these for years, they are DKNY (???) and how dare she try and hurt someone else's things and why would she do it... She was a short haired, bleach blond little person, lots of makeup... anyhoo. then she asked where I got them... I said Nordstroms, then realized I shouldn't try and sound posh, so I said.. the Rack... and they were all ok with that .. strange.

:-s

Day 30 - Lots of dreams

Ok.... lots of linked dreams that are slowly disolving

Boss out of town, me checking her messages for her, Angelina Jolie had called saying she wasn't happy w/ the adoption service... Two guys in the office.. one guy looked like a guy that had a crush on me from 6th grade to my senior year. The other guy was nice??

Another part of a dream with a really big shark in it... wanted to tell someone who was in the water about it but couldn't get to him... but it wasn't like it was a panic feeling more like, hey... you are late for a meeting silly.. type of feeling...

Another part had some lady w/ short hair...??

boy I'm forgetting things

some really simple insights that were so simple I thought.. oh .. I'll remember those later...

hmmm
crud

ok... what a weekend

Started Friday w/ a Tango concert which I thought was going to be part music part dance performance. Turned out to be alllllll tango music w/ a tango opera. Could have passed on the tango opera but the rest was pretty good.

Then I went w/ my friend Melissa to Higgins (local restaurant/bar)... ran into my exbf's parents (hid behind melissa most of the time) ... and we split a chocolate cake in olive oil drissle w/ olive jam... crazy sounding, but good.

oh... and I've not had my car now since last Tuesday (was supposed to go to nyc, but cancelled to save vacation days for a visitor in March/April - which now might also be cancelled)... so I put my car in the shop. It has been really nice going car free. I've been fortunate to have no rain though, so I'm sure when that comes, it won't be as fun to be bop around the city by foot and transit. It has been ok so far besides the riding home after the Tango thing. A guy sat behind me and kept pulling on my hair... grrrrr. But I did forget how much I like to go on long walks, very nice.

Went to a wedding Saturday night. Was very nice and not such a production as most (thank god). Was small and wonderful. Although I wish I had someone that I cared about there. Usually it is fun to be single at events like that but when you care about someone, it can feel a little empty.

Sunday was a zombie for a bit (champagne at the wedding)... then went for a nice cold brisk walk outside around the river. Saved the day.

Was hit on at the wedding by some??? well.. a nice enough guy but sheesh ... couldn't stop bragging about how much money he makes, his italian suits etc. and so on.. What a waste of a human life... hopefully he breaks out of it someday.

Oh! and on a anti my goals - note... I bought a headboard!!!!! Soooo excited. I haven't had a headboard since I was a kid. Just something about it that feels secure (besides not losing your pillows between the bed and wall from the hollywood bed frame rolling around). Also bought a chair for the livingroom. :-s I need to eat ramen now for the next few months.

2007 - Day 26 - dreams - empty brain stuff

ok.. dream about my dog I think?? my brother made these cartoon looking dogs, kind of big and would sit them outside and some old lady walked by and talked to it. Then I went out side and my dog (that I used to have) sophie ran up to me.. In my dream she was someone else's. She turned on her back and let me pet her belly and that was it.

-

ok.. mind dump

stressed

not sure which way to go next...

what is on my mind

card idea... have had it a while... brother sent me link of someone doing something similar, but not as good and not w/ the intended feelgood purpose.. do I do it? hmm

seniors getting shoved off to retirement homes/centers/small communities instead of being part of communities, we are losing history, learning, sharing, etc.. just doesn't feel right, how to fix...

design job.. wanted to do design (clothing) all my life... but then it felt not involved enough... like it is superficial.. found a job in w/ a company I like a lot that I qualify for even though I haven't been in the design world... will apply for.. but not sure it is right for me anymore...

anyone else reading this thinking this gal really thinks too much and maybe should just work.. eh? ;)

going to a wedding tomorrow night should be fun

found a headboard on sale... don't "have" to have it... but have always wanted one (haven't since I left home).. and it is on sale... :) and matches... like a GOOD sale.. hmmmm

can pay off car this week... would be smarter to put money on running crcardbill.. but I will always carry a balance on it.. so maybe just get rid of car debt.

ummm.... need to finish this book I've been reading for too long ;) good book.
but have more coming and don't want to get too behind and have guilt books looming over me ;)

arlighty...

someone just came by to say hi and I know he will cheer me up...

end of blog for today ;)