heavy and light

I dreamt that I was walking to the park with PC, TB and her twins. We all had umbrellas, MB was swinging his around.  I let them all walk ahead of me. I was thinking things that maybe I should be doing to advance myself in my life.. what should I read, I study, I ...  What did I not do enough of in the past that I should have done and so on. It all felt like weight in my belly. Then I thought... is this the way it is supposed to be? Does this feel good this shoulding? I thought about times when I did things beyond what I thought I could do, but where it didn't feel like a chore, or work, or impossible... These were inspired and felt light. These other ideas.. not inspired. They did not go with me and if I did them, would probably be double the work than they should be. I let it all go... I though I will only do inspired action.

Before we arrived to the park, TB's husband said he was so excited that he would be leaving for France for almost a year. That meant a year away from her, the children, the responsibilities. Part of it was him joking, but the other was him really wanting to get back to France where he was from. And maybe in his excitement, being a bit passive aggressive in showing her how much it meant to him... and hoping that she would finally give in and move there too. Him staying felt heavy, him leaving felt light...

He was gone and we were at the park. MB was busy playing and very much in the "now."  LB was deep in thought, contemplating what this all meant. She was sad and heavy that her dad would be leaving. She was taking it on for everyone, even her mother.

Then PC and I were off to sit on some swings. There were large metal dispensers with toilet paper there to refill the bathrooms near by. I thought it was an odd place to put them and odd that no one took them.