instructor

I dreamt that I was in high school. I went to empty my locker. I had more than two file boxes worth of items to go through. How had I accumulated so much? It felt like I had been there for years and years, as I was looking through my things as if I hadn't seen them in a decade or more.  I found a pile of pee chees, each labeled by subject. I guess I had forgotten that I had organized things that way. Did I still need all of this or could I dump it. It felt heavy in weight and mind and I decided on the latter.

 It was the last day of school and I still had to take the final test before I could move on with my life. We all had to take a verbal test in front of the class. It felt a bit voluntary, either you spoke up or you didn't. Although I didn't feel like anyone would miss out on their chance. I saw a bunch of math equations on the board. I felt confident as I was very good at maths. The instructor sat in the back and observed. He was Alan Rickman.  Well, my instructor, not the actor. I took my shot and I guess I did well, although I felt as though it was a bit half-assed. I went to my seat in the back near him and he spoke to me. He went into my character, my talents, who he thought I was. It was moving to have someone understand you so well, flaws and all, and still appreciate you. We were connected.

He reached out for my hand and held it and asked if we could meet. It was as if the situation had taken over and I was no longer in charge of my body or voice. Of course it was yes. I went home and started to straighten everything. Scotch - check, port - I think check... glasses clean - check.  I was 18, my life was starting. I felt very prepared and very excited.

Then it seemed we were going to go on a bit of an outing. I was in the south of Europe some where, a bit hot, a bit serene. We walked over a hill to find a lake. One I had never heard of as if it was almost unknown to most. It thought of who I should share this with and decided maybe it was best kept a secret. There were some Italians there, some I knew. The water was beautiful, he was beautiful. 

easy life

I dreamt that I was in jail.  It seemed less like a jail and more like a like a ordained community.  We were still treated like people of society, but we had rules to follow and we all seemed to follow them to a T.  We had classes to take, times to be here and there. I heard some people talking. Bill Murry was in jail too with us. I guess he would get in trouble by choice because he wanted to return. He found life easier in jail, less to think about.  His jail mates would do his laundry, get him food, treated him like a god.

freedom

I dreamt that I had two boys, 2 and 4 years old.  I had a partner that I wanted nothing to do with... It actually felt worse than a prison, because I had made the choice to begin it all.  I felt obligated to my choice. But I felt like I would rather have death than be in that relationship. The person wasn't so horrible, but I couldn't be there anymore. Then there were the children... I initially felt like he  couldn't take them.. they should be mine.  I didn't want to live without them, I loved them so much. But I didn't want his influence on them ...  Then I recognized the life I would have, visitation, decisions, coordinating and I felt angst and trapped. I didn't want this life. I didn't want to have to be tied to him, to schedules, to ...   My mother had me over to talk about things... I knew where it was going... a list of everything I "should" do... I didn't want any of it. It was a nightmare. 

discomfort

I dreamt that a older fella was laying in my bed in a suit. He seemed regal, mustache, overcoat, cain.  It was a studio apartment, so the bed was more like a piece of furniture. That part wasn't odd. I noticed blood coming from his ear. It was about to go all over my white duvet. I felt a moment of tension, then let it go. It could be cleaned or replaced. What this man was going through was more... I think he was at the end and knew it. I could feel his mind running through his memories and letting go.

delivery

I dreamt that I was going to do a skit type thing with friend. She asked what kind of hair she thought we should have in these roles. I told her that I saw her character with straight hair brown hair and straight bangs.  She said she had to use her own hair so, it would have to just be good enough. But her hair was straight with the bangs, but black when I was thinking something a little more dowdy.
My character was to be blond with a similar cut. We had uniforms like catholic school but the skirts were a bit more flouncy. What was the film we were doing? The film guy came in and we were to practice our parts. I don't remember much but at one point she had her clothes off and she was standing near a rack of clothes on the wall as if at a nice boutique. He felt a bit creepy to me. I felt unease as if I had just put myself in a not so safe situation.

Then I had a delivery. It was a box wrapped in brown paper. It had the address 3030 on it. I bicycled down by this almost all black building. I looked down at the address on the box and was impressed that I could hold such a large box while riding. I coasted my bike to the side of the building. There were three Asian guys sitting on the grass with their bikes. I went to knock on a door as if it was the one, although there were no addresses near any of the doors. The guys looked at me and said "No one will open the doors," as if my exercise of knocking was futile. "And besides.... that one is 1515." I knew it was as I had delivered there sometime in the past. I asked them if they knew were 3030 was, and they pointed in a direction to the front of the building. The building went in and out with more doors and I followed along... I saw more of the absence of addresses. At one point I just knew somehow that I had walked by 6060, and if I kept going I would find 3030. I was drawn to its entrance. I wanted to walk away maybe, but they saw me and I felt drawn in. I thought at least they could help me. They were a couple of ladies, maybe in their 50's or older, or maybe not. They didn't take care of their appearances which made them look a bit more worn.

I told them about my package for 3030 and they looked at each other and then looked at me. A look of should we tell her? They also said that no one would open the doors. We were in a room that was a bit large.. kind of like a ballroom, but more like a grange hall with old linoleum, paneled walls, and fluorescent lighting. The place was a mess with folding tables topped with open boxes and piles here and there. They offered for me to sit down. I saw there were quite a few people in the room that were milling about. It seems the two women were in charge at that moment, but who were the other people? I noticed two men that were in what looked like giant black bags made out of plastic tarp fabric reinforced with a weave of threads. I saw another man with googly eyes kind of milling about with no direction and then it hit... this was some sort of "home" for mentally ill. The ladies confirmed. I asked about the men in bags and they said that they had committed murders or had violent tendencies.

The ladies had been talking about needing entertainment or a movie for someone. I said that I had a film on my phone they could watch, the skit we just had performed. I then paused and told them about the naked scene, explaining it wasn't meant to be sexy, but maybe too much in this environment.  They agreed. They asked me instead if I would like to volunteer with something for their group, as if I wanted to do something for them?? She started running off ideas and I heard sorting and stuffing envelopes so I volunteered for that one. It sounded mindless and easy. I walked with her to the room's entrance and she told me to wait there. I sat in a chair facing the room right next to the opening in a hard chair upholstered with brown vinyl. A man in one of those bags was sitting right next to me and another was standing in front of me facing me swaying from foot to foot trying to get eye contact. I knee jerkily avoided his eyes, but part of me really wanted to look. Part of me wanted to get to know all of them. What made them tick, was there anything left? I was more drawn to the ones in the bags. They hadn't checked out yet. They were still intense and alive.

woke up with this song in my head ... "somebody to love"

Queen

Can anybody find me somebody to love

Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
(Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry)
Lord what you're doing to me (yeah yeah)
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache in my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord somebody (somebody), ooh somebody
(Please) can anybody find me somebody to love?

Everyday (everyday) I try and I try and I try
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Ah, got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe in
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Ooh somebody, ooh somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
(Can anybody find me someone to love)

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat (you just keep losing and losing)
I'm OK, I'm alright (he's alright, he's alright)
I ain't gonna face no defeat (yeah yeah)
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
One day (someday) I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love love love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Somebody somebody somebody somebody
Somebody find me
Somebody find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
(Find me somebody to love)
Ooh
(Find me somebody to love)
Find me somebody, somebody (find me somebody to love) somebody, somebody to love
Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me
Ooh, somebody to love (Find me somebody to love)
Ooh (find me somebody to love)
Find me, find me, find me somebody to love (find me somebody to love)
Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love love love!
Somebody find me, find me love

connected

I dreamt that I was traveling all over Germany. I had been several times, but was going again. In my mind I was justifying the trip... and partly verbally to others, that at least on this trip I was seeing new things. All of the touristy things I usually don't see.  We were specifically touring sites that were monuments, museums, huge statues... They were actually quite amazing to take in and I was glad to be there and to be led with the others, which were a group that were touring together.  I felt closer to some of them, as if old friends, and others I barely knew, but we all shared a common interest in travel, and learning and seeing new things.

I walked out ahead with an older fella. We politely held conversation and moved forward as we were both done looking at the previous points of interest. I thought I hoped that the rest took the route that we had thought was the obvious next path, or we would have lost them.

I saw them trickle to the next site bit by bit, one person in particular that I was happy to see. I didn't feel like we were seeing each other formally, but there was a definite bond that came from the center of me. He saw me and looked down, then looked back up with a warm grin. Full communication of how we felt across a room.

We walked back to the place we were staying. It seemed to be a large home, warm, cozy, imperfect. Everyone was putting their bags down, hanging up coats... plopping where ever looked good to sit. I saw the bag of groceries landed in the kitchen and we were all ready to eat. I started cutting the bread.  One couple had a baby. I saw my friend look at it in admiration. I could almost see his heart grow. He walked over to me and in a soft voiced said, "why don't we have babies together?"  I was warmed and also not registering this as a real statement. I replied .."awww," almost patronizingly, but thank god not too much. Or rather, he knew how I felt, and that I appreciated his feelings, and just loved that he thought of us doing anything together.

4 headed poodle

I dreamt that I was trying to use a camera. This camera was a little different thought. It was semi-transparent white plastic, maybe 4x6x.5.  There was one bit that stuck out at the top which looked like a clear lens where you look through to frame your photo.  I noticed when I looked through it, it was all blurry. Maybe I was looking through the wrong side, so I turned it around, but that felt off and still blurry.  Maybe I didn't know how to use it, or maybe it was broken.

I looked to my friends who looked at me with faces of "umm no it works..."  So I tried my left eye and I could see much more clearly. It wasn't the camera, it was my vision. I had never had my eyes checked in my adult life. I had always had good vision.  I guess it was time for an eye check.

I knew where was a well touted place called Visage. It was expensive, the owner was a bit snooty maybe, but I would be happy. There was also another place owned by a woman with short black hair, middle aged, a bit not nice.  I just happened be standing right next to that one.

It seems my impatience won over my love for  satisfaction and I went to inquire about an exam. I wa in a showroom of glass frames and I saw her come out of an office. She seemed pleasant enough and I told her my situation. She stated the obvious, that it would be an good idea for a checkup. I looked past her to her office and saw that she had dogs. She said "oh yes, they come with me every day."  There was a 4 headed poodle and a couple of other older dogs. She said "They are frail-ish but nice. Sometimes my patients get uneasy, especially during surgery.  It would be a tragedy if a dog barked and caused a patient to move or for me to jump. But it hasn't happened."   (Yet... I"m thinking... )

date

I dreamt that I was going to have a date with DavidM. I went to his home and met some people... roommates? relatives? They were pleasant and greeted me. I was all dressed up in a gauzy dress and felt a little stupid. It looked like a prom dress.. I think I was excited for the date and wanted to treat it special.  I had pants on under though just in case.

I came in and sat down. D said the date wasn't tonight.. It was supposed to be on Friday.. but would I like to stay and watch a movie? We sat on the sofa and they had me balance a projector on my lap so that it was high enough for all to see. D wanted to lay his head in my lap. He looked at the projector and grimaced. He looked around the room and saw a box, picked it up, plopped it on the coffee table and moved the projector.. Then snuggled up to my lap.

teeth

I dreamt that I wanted my teeth fixed. I was in an old house type place, or just an more classic wood paneled office and TMB said she could do them for me. She had worked for a dentist and knew how to do it.  She started working on them and they all fell out. I oddly wasn't panicked. I knew that the office was insured and this just meant that the dentist would fix them, do a better job and now for free because they created the issue in the first place.

I left there and walked through the building. It turned out to be a very old hotel ... lots of wood, lots of green, dim lighting. It had a nice feeling. I was walking through rooms and down halls and noticed someone had some old things out. There were trinkets, pendants, old pins... then there were old war medals and pins as well. They felt like treasures.

woke up to this song in my head..... :-/ chicken dance

closed

I dreamt that I was at antique store.. it is piled with things. I look for anything I might like... but rethink... I don't need to spend money. I see some old things I guess I had left there on consignment ... dresses etc. I become sentimental as if I wanted them back but reminded myself.. I had already decided to let them go and at the time it felt good. I re-situated them to so they presented better and would be sold. I felt as though my grandma was there somehow. I walked over to a gadget.. it was a food warmer. It was nicely designed with a metal pedestal and the top had two sections to place food... I guess so you could have two different dishes that wouldn't mix. The cord was an old cloth cord and then it had a lid as well. It was kind of a nice idea... just a food warmer, that was pre- microwave times. I looked at the metal label that was affixed to the side... I forgot what it had said, but was the brand name and model number. I liked it. I saw that it was worn a bit on one edge, but it was in much better condition than others I had seen.

Then the store started looking emptier and emptier.. they were closing. They had sold the store and everything was being taken away. I felt anxious. Was I missing something? Would I miss the store? the people?  I walked into the back storage area. The shelves were mostly empty. I saw an old decorative bottle of scotch. I thought.. I'll take that. The owners were already long gone and were not coming back and everything else was going to charity. I felt a bit guilty about it though. My friend RH walked in. He was giving me the background scoop on the situation and I decided to leave the bottle and go.

journey

I dreamt that I was in a deserted area. I was walking through some barren areas, gravel, hills, torn down fences... I noticed a couple of people behind me.. I could feel they were either younger or less experienced than I. Either way they were looking for help and guidance. I let them come with me. This would mean more to take care of,  but seemed better some how.

We kept walking and I saw in the distance what looked like a city, possibly civilization.  I was about to descend the hill I was on, excited to speed up and get to this city. Then I found myself on the ground, as if I just woke up. We had decided to make camp there and start out the next morning. I didn't feel like it was by choice. It was still dark, and I could hear the others sleeping next to me. Then I felt something on my neck. Was it my hair being moved by the breeze?  Then I felt it again. It was a small animal... a mouse? no, a rat.. it was larger. I was in that groggy state of first awakening and couldn't seem to move. I could barely make a noise, but imagined being able to swipe it away,  but I couldn't.