New baby on the way!!!! :-D

Oh my!!! A very good friend of mine just told me yesterday she is going to have a baby!!! :)

I'm sooooo happy for her. I was in tears when she told me... in tears again when I told my boss...

Her hubby isn't ready... she isn't ready... they didn't feel like it was the right time.. but are we ever ready?? is there ever a "right" time? Now days we've been given the "luxery" in many ways of being able to decide and plan..... marriage... kids.... life.... seems like with this "luxery" we have taken on kind of a ??? well, there has come with it a feeling of more responsibility. If we don't get it right, then we have really screwed up... if we haven't prepared enough, planned enough, thought it out enough, sewed our oats enough.... then all of a sudden you are 40-something and have been "planned" out of some opportunities/experiences/life...

I'm so glad this little accident happened with them. :)

no dreams... no.... nada

ok.. I'm at this place in my life... kind of like a fork in the road.. minus the prongs

I'm almost down to no "have tos"
I have no one to please or make discontented
no animal to feed
selling a lot of my stuff... so not much stuff to maintain or house
no material wants
no major destination that I "have" to see
no major goal that I want to accomplish

at least not immediatly... so it is a weird space to be in

I was in a major funk yesterday. A nice friend told me to go in a dark room and review recent happenings. I looked back to what my life accumulated to in just the last few months. It felt like just a lot of doing. Kind of like looking down on an ant colony... you see them mill around but does anything they do "mean" anything. Certainly the last few months of my life haven't...
Sure, I've done some soul searching.. learned some valuable things... but for the whole.. felt empty...

Then I realized all of this is just empty busy making.. the only thing that really matters .. (ok .. get ready for the cheese).. is love. Look at all the messy busy making we have created... kinda nutty when you think of it.. and the meaning we give some things... when none of it really matters... and the one thing that does... is pretty nice.. pretty simple

Commited to non-commitment

ok.. say you are leary of commitment... there are many reasons.... good reasons for this..
not wanting to be stuck... not wanting to be controlled by circumstances/situations/rules that don't always fit... the rules are not always put there for the right reasons, are not always carried out by those that mean well.... and things, people, circumstances change... where commitment isn't supposed to with these changes... and if you don't know what you want... really hard and almost careless to commit

I guess the above is more for the big commitments... career, partner, etc...

Then there are the little commitments..... yes, I'll go to the bbq two weeks out (but what if something else comes up?)... well.. haven't really made any hotel reservations.. have a ticket in/ticket out... (just in case something comes up where you want to stay in abc town longer, or take off w/ new friends on the way) ... and usually going anywhere (vacations/trips/etc.) solo... so you aren't tied to anyone else's plans/hangups/etc. and so on...

I am sort of one of those people. I like being free for the most part. I'm a person who needs plenty of ?? well, I need to feel like I have options, not stifled etc... if say a guy who was interested in me (a fella) heard this.. might be a turn-off... well, if I heard it from a guy.. yes, it would be a turn off...

so.. the idea behind it all is that if you keep things open.. you won't miss something... some experience, some person, some....??? , now that I type that it sounds so.... opportunistic...? which it is... but... sounds so..?? umm shallow and greedy....
hmmm...
how about I hit it from this angle... not wanting to be stuck... not wanting to be in a rut.. not wanting to waste hours, days, years of your life out of ruttedness... out of habit... not wanting to miss some learning experience, growth experience because of being stuck in a rut.. or being stuck with someone who is that way...

so... the point I wanted to make.. or more like the question I wanted to ask... isn't that being in a rut too? to live your life not being commited... are you not passing up other kinds of experiences, growth and so on by planning your life avoiding the commitments..?

well.. yeah...

of course...

so I'm thinking.. the former comes from fear.. and I think with a lot of us... grows out of proportion (us being those that practice averting ;)) but... it also helps to know yourself and what you want I think ... so that you are not willy nilly commiting...

I think I'll pause here...

sailing... etc.

went sailing yesterday...

let me back up..

boy was in town.. saw him, dinner, drinks, had a good talk and had fun
we are so much better as friends :)
EDITED
learned some things from the experience that were well worth while. some things hard to face... other things glad to face... all good in the end though

so... followed that evening.. well.. the following morning with sailing
left at 6 a.m. .. drove for 2 hours w/ folks.. had a good breakfast, lots of laughs (to the point of tears), sailed... saw seals, jelly fish, got completely worn out... back at home at 10:30 p.m.
was out like a light....

this morning... completely worn... kind of emotionally raw.. .(which is a good thing)
helps expose stuff so you can figure it out

guess I should work now... ;)

eod, sailing, not in working mode....

ok.. 6 minutes left of work.. and not much to do ...

bored.. but need to sit here so .....

hmmm going sailing tomorrow for my first time.. pretty excited... got some squishy clogs for the trip... needed an excuse to buy them.. they are UGLY, sooo comfy, so this was the perfect opportunity for me to get them. I guess it is a 4 man boat.. or 1 man 3 women for this trip. Should be fun...

oh.. have a dinner thing tonight w/ the boy... no clue what time, where.. or if he remembers... we'll see.. if he forgets.. more sleep for me (leaving for sailing at 6 a.m.) if he remembers.. well.. updates later...

pretty excited about those clogs I must say.... I even didn't get black.. went for ugly and obnoxious

oh.. speaking of shoes.. need to get some good boots .. (fashionable) but nice ones before fall. Need them for my trip.. and for fall. ;)
kinda digging these:






















6 minutes are up ;)

victorian era england, snow, theater, judges and action cucumbers (dream)

ok... last night's dream

not sure how it started.. but was walking in a city.. but seemed like a very old city. I know there was more to it but I can't remember that part.

Then I was walking with a guy.. I think my bf or lover or... he was tall, very slim, kind of adrian brody-esque. He was agile, whimsical, wore a long black cloak, vest, hat, carried a cane, and a pocket watch in his vest ... or waist coat... His hair had bits of gray in it. This all makes him sound like he was wealthy.. he wasn't wealthy... he most likely wore this set of clothes all the time.. they were worn.. but they were him and his. It was a very romantic feel... we were going to the theater.. not sure what we were seeing but I was reassuring him what ever it was.. it couldn't be that bad (I think he got the tickets for us) it was theater after all and some form of entertainment. We were laying out in front of the theater.. where grass would be if it wasn't snowing. he was unraveling something from his cane.. which now seemed to be the holder of a black fire hose.. but I think they were socks of his or a scarf that he had wound around it. All of sudden I had to go leave.. to run some errand... something like getting something stamped, an id card.. or.. an immunization or..?? something ordained by the government. I was in a building that was full of courts, lawyers, etc. I had just run up and dropped off an envelope of information... now I'm thinking the information was?? well it was something that I didn't want to be caught for sharing. So I was running down stairs to get out and slipped through a door and ended up right in the middle of a court room. I was scared ... then I looked and I knew the name of the judge.. Macgilacutty (sp?). The man had big gray hair... he started talking to me kindly.. and asked if I knew who he was.. I said yes... I've seen you before.. at blah blah?? He said. ooh no, that was my father.. then he took of his hair/wig... and he had red hair.. kind of handsome, short... tiny. I asked if he wore the wig to make him look older. He said no, I wear it to make me look shorter (huh?). I was thinking since he was so nice, I may be able to use him as a contact later. He was keen on me I could tell and wanted me to go with him... I knew a future w/ him, I'd be well taken care of (this was way back when)...but then I realized my lover was outside in the snow.. my errand was done.. I was saved by this red headed man out of harms way and now I needed to rush back to him... I rushed out of the building and he was being taken by doctors.. but not normal, clinic doctors.. city doctors. They were saying he had an illness and had to be taken away.. and he was struggling to break free. Mind you.. I knew he was feeble in general.. but he wasn't sick. I knew they must have given him something.. I was running to go get help and ended up in a stream of ?? well like I was watching a film.. more like a documentary with a woman's voice narrating and a soundtrack... which was energetic classical music. The documentary was following the meth situation.. basically it was showing young folks.. in victorian clothes that young folks would wear... so short britches, woolen caps, scarves... riding bicycles to drop off drugs and get payment... lots of killing and stealing... snowing the whole time.. the narrator was uncovering how the powers that be created the drug and disperse it .. allow it to keep going.. the more havoc that it allowed, the more fear the general populous would be in... and they more control they would then have... then there was a part where you saw a boy on his back .. just had been killed and there was a cucumber/cactus type thing that fell on him.. about the size of a pickle.. and then it got up.. and it had a head, arms legs and started dancing... you could hear a bart simpson's like voice chanting words like... drugs, radios, boobies, ... oh. then the cucumber had breasts... then the narrator saying that the powers that be kept us in a brainwashed spin of what we should want.. that we should continually want.... and that keeps us in our perpetual cage ... then I woke up.

wolves to dubbed japanese movie... (dream)

I dreamt that I was part of some group.. not sure if it was work, a gang?, a place I lived...? they asked me to stay there while they went to run some "errand"... as they were leaving a deer came running up and was making a ?? "meep" noise.. kind of like a scared cry for help in duress. I went to go see if I could help it and then I saw a pack of wolves coming after it (hence the meeping). So I tried to shoo the deer over to the cars because the group hadn't left yet. I'm not sure what happened to the deer then.. but the lead guy said something in a different tongue and the wolves calmed down. So the leader, in a sense, was responsible for the wolves going after the deer... So I , in a sense was part of something larger than myself that was doing things I didn't agree with...

Then the dream turned into a japanese movie.. dubbed and all. A man was running from the last scene after a girl (was me kinda.. like I was her, but she was more like japanese anime). He caught up to her and put spikes in her eyes, arms... etc.. then put a sword in her thigh starting near the knee up (long sword) and positioned so she couldn't get it out herself. Odd thing was .. he loved her, she loved him... but neither voiced it... it was like he was going away or couldn't be with her and didn't know what to do about it and expressed his emotions by attacking her.

and on a lighter more cheery note...

I have been taking a drawing class... which isn't so much drawing .. it is more of a let loose, break boundries class... but you draw...

Anyhoo.. have been enjoying it but felt I should do more of the exercises while I'm outside of class so I really learn, improve etc. Soooo wanted to get an easel.. but didnt' want to spend too much in case I don't stick to it, but didn't want a piece of doo... anyhoo.. went over to an art supply store today and low and behold an easel that was normaly 300 and something... now down to $49 because it had the wrong varnish. :D Nice!!!!

And I am in my own cube now... so no more office mate decore like lollipop kids flowers poking me in the back...

And I am whacking away at my debts...

My little health issue is way improved .... working with a naturopath
Taking the stairs daily.. was 28 flights a day, now 33 ...
Lost 15lbs effortlessly (naturopath said this would happen)

The boy called me back... (still undecided if it is a good thing.. but.. we'll put it here for now)

Car is working good

Might sell some stuff...

Ummm oh and planning a trip to london/nottingham/ireland/n. ireland and scotland

:)

time vs. pain vs. ???

ok... that below bit about the test... ideally would be great if I could figure that out sooner rather than later... and now that I'm just focussing on that question .. should be simpler... I hope

and sooner.. would be nice if sooner happened by the end of October ...
wouldn't it??

*I will have most of my debts paid off by then.
*I "wanted" to take a 3 week vacation then (england/ireland/n. ireland).. but now can't because my boss is leaving for a wedding at one end.. and it is busy season here at work on the other...
*I don't want to go through another busy season here..
*and ... I've had it... my boss doesn't reprimand my exofficemate and she just gets worse.. and we all are just supposed to deal
*and my boss, lovely as she is... well.. she is GREAT at what she used to do.. but she just isn't cut out to be a manager... she needs to be a comedian/speaker/writer.. she'd be great at those

ok... and the infp part.. he says I'm basically 100% feeling (the "f" part) and pretty high on intuitive (the "i" part) so I tend to feel the "pain" of being in the wrong situation more than the average joe... so I'm really not a whiner.. if you all felt like I feel... you'd probably be doing the same thing.

hmmm.... so what do I care about or want to solve....
lots

I'll need to narrow that down.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... sorta

that was kind of a screaming aaaaah... not a relaxing sigh aaawwwhh. and sorta because I'm not really screaming.. but I am.. but I'm not.. but I am... etc.

that test I took a few months ago.. listened to the conversation w/ the fella again the other day.

a summary:
he said I scored off the charts in certain areas (this isn't a good or a bad thing.. just makes me not "fit in")
* extreme introvert
*high diagnostic reasoning score
*high spacial reasoning score
*high analytical reasoning score
*high "maestro" score ... meaning that my mind works very differently from the general crowd - the opposite would be considered a tribal...
*high idea flow - which means my mind comes up with ideas quickly/often, creative, etc.... also means usually have poor stick-to-itedness... hard time concentrating... high idea flow is good for say a comedian, artist, short projects... etc.

there were others but these were the ones that I was "off the charts" on and seem to be the most important in a career choice.. (minus analytical skills.. he said it is beneficial, but doesn't "choose" the path). The other is the infp... I think that is what I am...

anyhoo, he said with the scores and the infp bit.. I make up like 1/4 of 1% of the population.. and so if I don't feel understood or connect with folks, there is a reason.

oh.. also .. w/ the infp bit... those types need to do something they care about. so for example, let's say I'm a photographer... and I care about animal rights... well doing fashion shoots will probably drive me crazy.. sure I'm doing something I'm talented/good at/enjoy.. but if I dont' care about it.. I'll lose interest....

So.. the question he said I should ask myself is what in the world do I want to fix, what problem do I want to solve....... etc...

ack

aaah.... (a demi scream)

dream...

Had a "mind is trying to tell me something" dream last night... I was a man in this dream, but a whisp of a man.. blah hair.. pale ... nice.. pleasant... quiet. I was at some sort of spectacle.. a football game or something that needed an audience and was loud. I wasn't enjoying it much, but everyone else seemed to be .. so I felt I should.. so I stayed and did the audience dance. I was on the lowest bench near the field and there was a 6x6 board next to me along the bench. The blunt end was up against my hip, no idea why it was there or why I sat by it. Then a large, musclular man was down near me. He was cheering loudly, getting the crowd excited, everyone seemed to be in the same spirit... then he hit the board so that it moved me a bit.. everyone laughed.. but not at me.. more of like..."isn't this a fun game" He kept doing it and I felt like I had to be a good sport and not be annoyed with it since it seemed this was supposed to be light and funny... at least everyone else seemed to think so. So he proceeded to do it until the game ended.. and I proceded to take it. I looked down at the end of the game and my stomach was bleeding... a large ?? reed of the wood had separated from the board and went through my left side and out my right... in the front... and another did the same in the back. I panicked and felt hurt and scared ... how did this happen...? I let that guy do this ... something I didn't feel comfortable with but went along... until it actually hurt me.. I pulled my eyes out (mind you .. this was a dream... so didn't hurt) and someone said.. those aren't your eyes.. they are emily's... Then I found myself in a medium blue doctors office.. not sure why, but the color stood out to me. The doctor asked me to explain how I found myself pierced twice through the middle and bleeding... I told him... and he looked at me with no compassion.. but more like anger... he said .... you LET this happen to you??? (like I was an idiot and basically didn't deserve to be fixed if I was going to let something like this happen to me)....

Anyhoo.. very insightful dream...

I da ho

ok... let's see...

fixed the boy thing..well...?? figured out things.. not fixed necessarily

can sleep

woke up friday a.m. and felt like being near water, then couer d'alene popped in my head.. so went there (about 5-6 hour drive)... was nice.. walked along the lake, along the shops.. then looked for place for dinner and found a wine bar w/ jazz.... sat in a cushy chair next to a couch filled with older couples... listened to jazz while paging through a book on the last century.. a quote was in there that caught my eye..."people don't live anymore, they merely exist" ... or something like that... then later an old man sat at the end of the couch... cowboy hat and boots, leathered skin... when I was done w/ the book, I looked over at his hat and complimented him.... then he started talking and told me about his life... about when he was a very young buy he was in a shop that had a sculpted horse.. and he knew that is what he wanted to do ... he would do drawings on the dining room table and his dad would get mad at him... so sooner or later he gave up, went into construction as an adult.... and was doing that up until 2 years ago... then (I forgot how).. he started drawing again... taking classes ... hanging out with artists.... sculpting

he said he has to pinch himself every day that he is finally doing what he has always wanted to do. and he said follow your heart.... don't let anyone discourage you.... you will not be able to forgive yourself of your regrets....

pretty nice little trip I must say...

still can't sleep...

ok.. I didn't do my laundry yet, but I don't think that is it...

I think I nailed it down to the boy that left... but I'll get back to that later...

I went to see I Am Your Man last night.. film on Leonard Cohen... very good film...
and learned about a singer named Antony.. quite an interesting voice...
An older fella and his wife sat next to me. When Rufus Wainright came on.. he asked me who he was.. so I told him.. (funny .. it was the first artist that came on that hit me....).. then when Antony came on..the other aritst I liked in the film came on.. he asked me again... who is that?

For some reason it was really nice to think you could share a movie with a stranger and kind of a bonus to have the same tastes.

So.. the reason I can't sleep.. and boy.. I don't mean that it is his fault that I can't sleep.... more of... I think my mind body was trying to tell me that I need to deal with this or we're not going to let you move on. Learn this lesson ... finally! etc...

While taking a shower this morning.. I was thinking about the situation.. and how I would explain to said boy what I think about how it is going.. then the anology popped in my head about a plant... as if it were a relationship. You don't throw a new plant in the ground and leave it for a few days and expect it to grow... it isn't used to the new situation, where to get water, food, etc. from... You put it in and nurture it daily.. checking in on it to see how it is doing.. is it wilting? did I over water? etc. and so on until it is used to its new environment... and has grown roots...
Once it seems to be doing ok and the roots are stable ... then a day away w/out checking is fine. It knows its surroundings.. and you can see that it is doing well in that soil.. so it is fine. Mind you.. you still can't assume it will be fine all alone.. it is just that it won't die overnight from neglect.

I shared it with my roomie and the thought it was a great one too.. then I went a little further.. that goes for prerelationship as well... could use the car analogy this time ;)
you can't blame an old pickup truck for being slow.. it is old.. not built to go fast etc... so if you bought one and try to speed down the road.. and it doesn't, you can't call it a worthless hunk of metal.. it is what it is.. an old pickup truck... if you wanted fast.. you should have shopped around more, researched more cars, taken more test drives and so on before purchasing...

so.. although I may have just leased the car... I didn't test drive it enough before hand.. so now have to deal with some paperwork... ;)

dream

had a weird dream last night that I got married.. was to my first bf. was AWFUL. Just after the "I dos" I was out of the dress and had it rolled up under my arm. I was getting funny looks from everyone because I didn't seem happy. I forgot I still had to go to a reception in bride attire. Ugh.. I was just thinking over and over in my head "what did I do?????" I went into a room to put the dress back on and there was a giant spider in there.. was very angled and pointy, orange and yellow striped.. and it mimicked my every move.. was very creepy.. kinda felt like the dream was about all those things you do to ??? fit in to a situation/group/society/moment/expectation/to get what you think you need/want/etc... but kind of unaware that you are doing it because it has become so much of who everyone is ... the wedding was more like checking off of a things to do list like get a degree, buy house, get retirement.... then I think I became aware and realized I was w/ him for all the wrong reasons.. bleck.. and then the spider was kind of a mirror mimicking me mimicking society... crazy

dilly dally-ing

k...

supposed to be working.. but kind of waiting on some things so.......

mind keeps wandering....

I think I just stepped out of my head.. I was going to write down a stream of what was in there.. and then I stopped to check... and I felt like I just landed on the planet and in this body.. strange

maybe the stuff that was in my head.. was unimportant.. just buzzing around making noise... but when I went to capture it.. the noise stopped because that is all it was.. if ya know what I mean...

hmmm...

poop on the porch

ok.. just have to share... I work with seniors via phone on a daily basis... some of them are to the point and ask their questions and others give you the progression of how they came to be 65 ... in detail

today's story came from a cheerful voiced lady. Her dog was barking in the background and then she started talking about what he looks like.. brindle, dark face, wisp of a tail, ... where she got him ... shelter, about to be euthenized that day ... how long she has had him ... 7 years ... and that in lake oswego... you can't just let dogs run around mamby pamby ... so he does his business on the porch .. mind you, she uses science diet so his poo doesn't stink... ;)

every day she picks up the poo and throws it in the greenery... and after 7 years (just a few days ago)... he started to go as far as he could to the edge of the porch so he could poo in the greenery... She said "life's just full of surprises" with a sparkling chuckle ;)

I think that is my message for the day. ;)

lady bugs...

Last night I watched Under the Tuscan Sun for maybe the 3rd or 4th time... w/ my roomie matt (his 20th or 21st time). No, it may not be cinema at its finest and yes it has its cheesy parts, but something about it moves and inspires me and I like it! Matt, who always quotes from movies ... has gleamed from this one ... "lady bugs."

There is a character in the movie that is ?? fanciful. She walks around soaking in the pleasures of life, beauty, tastes, touch, etc. The main character is mournful of her ruined marriage and is in a state of sulk when Fanciful tells her to just live her life.. and things will come... look for it and you will struggle.. (sleeping and waking up to ladybugs).

A few other things hit me in this movie (besides bawling to the part where her workers have finished the house)... bad ideas, enthusiasm, family and taking off and starting a new life...

1. main character mentions something being a horrible idea... Fanciful replies... "horrible ideas, aren't they wonderful" :) it spoke to me because I'm not a fan of the tried and true.. well I am .. unless it blinds you to the possibilities, maybes and what ifs

2. always keep the enthusiam of a child (or something like that)... how many times do people rein in their excitement due to inner critics, fear of outer critics etc. screw it... enthusiasm!

3. family.. not sure this is the word I want to use... but.. maybe more of ...?? taking time.. to watch, interact, get to know your envirnoment, plants, home, life, people...

4. and the last one is self explanatory... ever since I was a little girl.. loved movies or stories that had to do with taking off... starting over... funny.. doesn't it make sense?? if you have never really been a fan of your life.. why continue to live it in the same way, location, etc. etc.. hmmmm

unexpected visitations...

an email of mine keeps showing up as unopenned and I keep ignoring it.. just openned it tonight to see what might be in there that it still wants to stick around...

ran across this...

"HOMEWORK: Tell about a time when an unexpected visitation cracked open a hole in your shrunken reality so as to let juicy eternity pour in."

the first thing that came to mind was K (guy I met at a friend of mine's going away party) and then the Keys... I met K before the keys... but I think the keys allowed more juicy eternity to pour in the next time I met him.

unexpected visitation... unexpected to meet a great guy... then unexpected to find buried joys that I had forgotten... then unexpected that they great guy was even more beautiful than I thought

juicy eternity.... in the keys I guess it was how beautiful and simple things can be... the wind in your hair and your legs as your are riding a bike, sun on your skin, floating in water, playing in sand, taking it slow when it is too hot, waving your hand in the wind as you drive...

and with K... how he sees beauty and laughter in everything and enjoys life... and he is beautiful

dream last night....

oh... and just came back from the best vacation ever....
and the best pick up from the airport ever... (as in picked up in a car... not the other kind)

had a dream last night was talking to this guy.. and I could feel I wasn't his cup of tea.. and then he went on to explain... he said you have a sweet face, you don't say or do anything offensive, or act like you are right.. it is your authoritative tone...

interesting...

have had lots of lightening in my eyes... I'll explain later

dreams... (the sleeping kind)

I have vivid dreams... and many of them. If I had been a responsible good dreamer, I would have written them all in a journal or something. Instead I have them willie nillie in my head, in one of my 15 different journals, on scratches of paper and in random emails. This morning I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of being in love.. and of being loved back. Very nice way to wake up I must say. I couldn't understand the feeling at first, not remembering my dream. Then slowly pieces of it came back... I'm not even sure if the feeling was romantic... I'm thinking it wasn't. It was just someone caring for you and you caring back, watching out for you and you watching out back. The location was outside? or... I remember pirate type folks... ?? anyhoo.. was nice