making amends, shop, bikes, convention

I haven't been posting my dreams...

On the same night I had these two dreams:

I dreamt it was my 40th birthday. My dad and step-mom were visiting to celebrate with me. They had made a card for me which was sweet and then my dad had a grocery sack full of posters. I peeked at some of the corners of them. I saw that they were movies we had been to together... like every movie we had been to together (we have been to many). It was as though those moments were not just making busy time, but they actually meant something to him. I started crying and woke myself up crying...

Then I dreamt about my mother. She came up to me and said she was sorry we never had those mother daughter moments as I was growing up and in to adult hood...

Both dreams felt like they "fixed" things when I woke up.

 - - - - - -

Last night I dreamt that I was a business owner on a trendy street in Portland. I felt part of the space a bit, yet still getting my feet wet. I walked around, wanting to be part of the space, the community, the neighbors and so on. It felt kind of nice. There was a shooting earlier at a bar a friend was going to go to. She hadn't heard about it, so she still showed up. A friend of our was going to be performing that night. The door was locked and he came knocking on the door and we let him in. The crowd still seemed ready to have a good time, shooting or no. There was a guy there that I used to work with (Luigi S.). His hair had been black when I knew him, but today it was gray at the edges and black at the roots. He seemed cheerful and wanted to talk to me, but we had a bad ending, so I was not really interested in talking to him, so I left. Then I ran into G.H. He and I were in a hotel. It was an old one with lots of character and kind of dark. We were looking for a place to get food. We were both on bicycles and tootling around outside. It was dark and we didn't really seem to have a sense of direction.

 - - - - - -

Then I dreamt I was at a convention. Everyone had partaken in some food thing and I had been working. All I really wanted was some coffee. I looked across the convention and saw a coffee sign and walked towards it. I couldn't see a vendor or a coffee pot. Some guys in the corner booth said there is coffee over there. I kept looking but felt a little crazy in that I couldn't see it. I saw some Frisbee golf discs though. One of them brought me a bottle of Jack Daniels. I said I didn't want that.. wasn't there any coffee??? They finally helped me find it.

roady

I dreamt I was was on some sort of boat or even an ice block, although it wasn't cold. I was drifting through other small island type things. Some no larger than a boat, some the size of a small restaurant and others more island sized, but they were closer to a mainland. I think I liked the freedom of floating around and not being connected to the other pieces of inhabitance, although I knew I still wanted to be with people. It just felt like when I landed on them, things became more complicated then I felt they needed to be. I wasn't going to harm, hurt or interrupt anyone, so couldn't I just go about my way? I ended up on one of them, I think it was an Asian restaurant. All of the food seemed foreign and I didn't recognize what to order.

Then I dreamt I was walking up to a concert. I think I was supposed to be doing something there? but maybe just watching. Two of us were picked out of the audience to go to the stage. One of them was already up at the front and up on stage, I lifted up my arms and allowed myself to be body surfed over the crowd. It was a nice feeling. I was sent to the side of the stage while they talked to the other girl. She had to give a little speech on why she was there. I kind of wanted to avoid that so was happy to talk to the band's makeup/producer/?? person on the side of the stage. She was young, about 25, but acted much older. I was older, but felt much younger. We were talking about career and freedom. How we both liked go from thing to thing instead of committing to one career. I wanted to follow my interests in a light way. Kind of like you would imagine a wolf in the snow... following a mouse around out of interest instead of hunger. The band was Aerosmith. The girl and I continued to talk and realized we had some friends in common that were producers and photographers and so on. Then Steven Tyler walked by and said "ready to give it a go?"  I looked at her eyes were asking for confirmation if I wanted to go travel and work with the concert. Part of me was very ready and my mouth was saying yes, and then part of me was wondering if this was just a knee jerk reaction. Going on to the next thing when the current thing was getting challenging. She then asked me if I knew this one guy. That his dog had died recently and he was really sad. He showed me a photo, I didn't think I knew him, but he reminded me of people from a group of friends of my boyfriend's.  I felt bad for the guy, I also felt envious that he had felt this deeply and others felt this deeply about him to give him notice. 

doubt

 I dreamt I was talking to my boyfriend. He was being aloof at one moment where I thought everything was ending, and at the next moment saying he wanted to move in together. The one felt horrible, the one felt great, the idea that both could happen in a short moment made me uneasy and doubtful.

cats work

choppy memory on this dream...
work for office
managed women
PC rec'd discount on apartments.. I almost kept but then gave to her
big house.. many waiting to be se en... actors?
cats... playing
getting ready
dark man aksing me questions
flashback of me in cute top .. my back looked great... I was in great shape
walking through a home... ladies lived there... exchanged info

orchard spaniels

I dreamt I was at my grandpa's orchard that he used to have. I could see a man out working in the orchard and two spaniels dancing around his feet. The man had a dark energy about him. He felt heavy, weighted and anxious. It was as if his soul left him, and all that kept him going was to get to point B. He had that feeling of thoughts spinning in your had of all you "had" to do and get done and that had encompassed him. I didn't want to go near him and I wanted him out of the orchard. I took a closer look at the spaniels, who felt more like joy and love. They were prancing around the man's feet, but I could tell they were starving. I felt an urgency to feed them, but I wasn't sure I had the power to do so. At that moment, the man held one of the dogs heads down and shot the dog in the head several times. I screamed out at the man to stop with every bit of energy I had.

Good lesson.... feed your joy before you become dead inside.

glass shoe

I dreamt.... but I remember from the end on... I had traveled to Italy. BW is a friend who is a glass blower and I thought I should take some photos for him of the glass art I was seeing. Some things had happened before as well. I dreamt that my dad... well it was a mix... as though he was a dad, my grandpa, a mentor... was involved in my life and caring. Wanted me to see things, not that he wanted to see, but that he knew would inspire me, make me think, make me grow... . It was a nice feeling. So in the store... I was walking around and saw some glass vases... I almost took a pic but then thought they were normal and he wouldn't think anything of them, then I saw a unique sculpture of clay... it was of an abstract woman figure... but the body was painted on in a lifelike way... I thought I wanted this idea for myself.. and it was not glass, so I didn't take a photo.... then I saw more glass... I thought maybe not impressive enough for him.... then I saw a unique sculpture... it was a putty/lavendar/grayish color... it looked like a shell for a moment and then looked like a high heel shoe... it was rather large... I was looking for a price as I really fell in love with the color, and I knew a friend of mine that liked shoes... it was over $800 but look liked it had been on sale, but no, but yes... I couldn't tell by the pen marks. I went to ask the sales lady about it and she said many had been interested and that it was not on sale price. The feeling of the dream for the most part was ok.. I was on vacation and I was getting nice attention from a mentor (grand)fatherly type... but then I realized... I had spent my whole trip thinking of what everyone else would like instead of what I wanted to look for...

three wise mummies

I dreamt that two friends of mine (PC, MG) went to go see a find. Three preserved bodies had been found from ages ago. They were three Asian women sitting on three thrones. They had somehow been found where they hadn't been before, so they had moved or appeared on their own. They seemed larger than humans, let alone normal Asian's smaller frames. Their heads were very large and they had bangs that were blunt cut at the eyebrow and hair down to their shoulders which was also blunt cut. Their skin looked like leather, but they were all sitting perfectly upright, elbows on the chair arms and hands over the edge. The only thing that made them look dead besides their leathery skin was that there eyelids were sunken in a bit. My two friends and I went to see them but it didn't seem like it was open to the masses, but not like we were the only invites either. The place where they were found felt like a cavern but at the same time felt man made. It was spooky to walk by them, but not because they were dead, but more that you could still feel their energy. It wasn't a light energy or a heavy energy... but one that felt hmm... kind of a mix between warning and judgment. I didn't know if this was an energy for their time or something they were giving off for our time.

apartment, closed theme park

I dreamt that I was moving in with two of my friends PC and RP. We are all not really roommate types, so it is odd. I was in the apartment checking it out. It was beautiful. It was in an old building, lots of interesting rooms, high in the building, great windows and views and location. PC was picking out paint colors and they both were making decisions about the place. I had opinions but I knew they were more picky about what they would and would not live with. I suggested a color for one wall knowing they wouldn't like it. I also suggested where the dining table could go, next to a window with great people watching. I don't think they liked that either. I figured I would just keep it all to myself moving forward. It was strange. I knew I didn't want to live in this kind of situation, but I was giving up "me" in order to live in this place. Was it worth it...

...

I dreamt that I was in a theme park with KM an old friend of mine. We had to walk through tunnels to get around. They were where the little trains would normally go. Sometimes we had to crawl, but it was ok, because the rails were soft and made of spongy material. We were near the end of walking around and there were women at tables having desserts. Fun looking whimsical desserts. They said that they were having tea. One explained that they get to do this once a month? or year? because they had year memberships at the theme park for their children. I guess they enjoyed it. I don't think it would have been worth it for me. We left the park and on the way out there was some water, but it was full of algae and was all murky green. I said I wanted to jump in. My friend was almost scolding me letting me know that was a bad idea. I had to explain I didn't mean in that water in particular, but it was a hot day and I wanted to be in water in general.  We walked across to our hotel where there were two pools. I was wanting to jump right in, but she walked in one of them and I felt it kind of stole my thunder. Not sure why... As I was deciding which pool to go into, they had drained both of them for cleaning. I was thinking in my mind.. why would they do that during they day when people wanted to use it... why not at night?

monk planet

I dreamt I was in a space ship /hover craft over a plant of monks. Tibetan monks... in orange clothed robes. I felt so lucky to see their lands and homes. It was beautiful, green and untouched besides walkways and small homes. I was in a strange spot on the space craft that was flying over but, I felt blessed again in that I was in the only position that could see what I was seeing as well.  Then later I was dreaming that I landed on that planet with a good friend. We tried to go undetected as we were not supposed to really be there. and then found an opening to the "visitor/tourist" part of their land. There was a small tourist village with things to buy and to eat. It felt very contrived but at the same time more comfortable than being in the place where we didn't fit.

baby baby

I dreamt that I was given a baby, that was mine. It was a chubby boy baby that seemed happy and healthy enough. I was thinking.. how embarrassing... I didn't know I was pregnant. What will I tell people? And the immediately following was the feeling of I have no choice, just roll with it. I would tell people that is why they hadn't seen me in a while because I was hiding the baby bump, although in the dream I never really "carried" the baby. I didn't know who the father was and in my dream I didn't even think of it. It seemed like it was just my project that I created and would take care of. There was a man in my dream, he was setting up a room for me. I felt like I sort of knew him, but not really. He was nice.. I knew that he kind of liked me and would take care of me if I wanted. It all felt comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. I didn't like this part of me exposed, but at the same time, I was forced into a position and I didn't have to think about it, just do.

----
I had another baby dream last night. This time I think I was watching someone else's baby girl. I was holding her with the same detachment as I was the baby boy in the previous dream. Like I knew she was a living thing that I needed to care for, but otherwise, she was just a thing. I had to go to the store for some supplies for her. I went in and was looking around ... I had a backpack (actually it was BW,s gray and orange backpack), and other items. I went to the register to pay and was going to put the baby down so I could find the money, and realized I had left the baby in the car. I went running outside and there was a crowd of women all scowling at me. I tried to explain that my hands were full and that it was a mistake and I was only gone seconds. They didn't seem to care, but they didn't call the police and I was happy to flee. Although it wasn't exactly a fleeing. One woman went with me in my car. I was driving and she was in the passenger seat. I was explaining more of my reasons and I could feel that she was judging me. I then recognized her as someone I knew. She paused and didn't seem happy that I knew her past, as if she lost some of her judging power because I was trying to bond.  I looked in the back. I had left the baby on the back seat floor and she was crying. I tried to sooth her and knew we had a corner to turn and we would be home. Home was my mother's current house. The whole thing felt awful. I felt like I had failed, that I was selfish, that I couldn't even do something as simple as watching a baby anymore. 

flying apple

I dreamt I was on my way somewhere with a man from the middle east. We were not very familiar with each other, but at the same time, we had a level of comfort as if we did either know each other or had similar values or goals. There was an excitement we both shared about something that kept us bonded. We went to a parking lot under a bridge. It was a mess of cars and we found the one we would be using. It was a bit of a mess and I think it even had a broken window. As I was getting in, I looked over to some traffic lights in an intersection. They were the kind that hung from a wire between poles. There was an apple vine of sorts going across it. I pointed it out to him so he could see how beautiful it was, and I kept exclaiming on how perfect the apples were. I could feel the appreciation rising from my belly to my chest and then phwoom! an apple flew over in my direction, bouncing off the hood of my car into my hand. My mouth dropped open and I looked at him and thought how fortunate! The apple was as crisp and delicious as it looked. I was amazed. Then I realized I needed to go start up an old white car behind me. I went back to the car, gave it a good couple of tries with no success. I then shrugged my shoulders as I didn't have a solution and went to get back in my car. Then an engineer friend called me at that second to tell me how to start the car.

lobby

I dreamt I was in some sort of lobby. It felt like a hotel, but I think it was an apartment. I say I think because although it felt like apartments, and I lived there, I didn't feel familiar with the place, or how to go about finding things, where transportation was and so on. The elevator was in the center of the lobby. It was old an ornate... victorian mixed with art deco, dark metals and wood and in the center of a lobby that was colored in plum and wine colors. It was luxurious looking, yet still old and small scale, so it didn't feel too grandiose. More like you would smell old smells while kind of appreciating the design. I was coming downstairs to meet someone. I don't remember who, or why. There were women in the lobby and men. I felt they all knew what they were doing and where they were going as I pretended to know by milling around. It felt awkward.

quiet men

I dreamt I was at some hotel thing. It was for work I'm thinking. I was there for a reason with people I wouldn't normally spend time with. I don't remember much of this part. Later in the dream I was walking down a street I used to walk when I was in grade school. It was a quiet street, wide and not lines painted on it. I think only older people lived on it because all of the lawns were manicured and I never saw children coming out of them. I was walking along when I realized a man was following me. He was slightly hefty and bald. I could feel that he was smart  and intent on his purpose, so I wouldn't be able to easily get away. I would walk down one street, back in through a alley and so on, and he was on my every step. I ducked into a house and somehow lifted myself up above the door jam. My plan was to just attack him as he walked in. As soon as I moved up, I saw a taller man right behind him. It was as though his mind was not only able to read mine, but he could manifest whatever he needed immediately to thwart my next move. 

ocean Depp

I dreamt I was an actress. At first it seemed I was in a class again. I looked over and there was Johnny Depp. I'm  not sure if he was just sitting in or actually taking the class. He was being nice. I felt like he was kind, helpful and wanted to help me specifically. It made me feel special. Then the group walked out on to the beach. It seemed it was dusk. We were having an practice outing or a performance, I'm not sure. The waves were stormy and high and we were all in the ocean rolling with the waves. The sane (or maybe fearful) part of my brain said we should all get back to the beach because these are the kind of waves that pull you under. The other part of my brain, the part that knows if I want to "live" life, and move forward, I needed to be out in those waves. We were out there, swimming, floating and spinning in the waves as a group and it was thrilling. I felt alive and part of something. Then it was time to come back in. I saw a friend of mine (KM ..actress in LA). She was kind of helping me out as well. Showing me the ropes. 

levels

I dreamt I was in a house that was moving down the road. My friends (BM, PC and JR) were there. BM was being pleasant. We were all going to sleep and just had a blanket on the floor to sleep with. BM had extras and said to use some of his for cushion. He started talking about business and something he had discovered.
------

I dreamt I was either a border or an assistant at this house. I never really felt at home there. I felt in the way like a servant or as if I was a cousin that had to stay with the family, and wasn't really wanted. The man of the house was Jeff Bridges. He wasn't there at the moment, so I thought I would make myself useful. I stayed in a room a level up from the main floor. Not quite another floor up, but high enough to have half a case of stairs up to it. I had nothing left to do up there, so I came downstairs. There was a door above the fridge in the kitchen so I decided to take a look. It needed organized, so I organized it and it was much better. You could see through the attic to another room and hallway. It was on of the sons. He did most of his living up there. The attic part I organized I couldn't really fit in, I could just organize things from the ladder. Then Jeff Bridges came home and went to the upper level. He sat Indian style on the floor and looked through things. I was standing aside anxiously. That feeling you get when you want to be productive and would be if you knew what to do.

elephant assigment

I dreamt that I was in a classroom of sorts. The class was working on a writing assignment. It was a casual feeling class, as everyone was sitting somewhere comfortable, desks askew and people sitting how they liked. The assignment was to write about the one thing that stopped us from our dream. Each of us was given a paper quill. It was a sheet of paper rolled into a narrow cone with a quill at the tip. I was trying to write with it, but the quill kept pushing back in to the paper cone. I new I could play with it a bit to get it to work, but I wanted to get a better idea of the assignment before the instructor left the room. The instructor was an older Indian man. He was nice, but also matter-o-fact. More black and white than emotional. It was good because he could get the point across quickly and didn't let you have excuses. I brought up the paper that I was supposed to write the assignment on. It was three horizontal rectangular pieces of hand made paper. Each had a large elephant on it with a baby elephant behind it holding the larger one's tail. We were supposed to write the thing that held us back and I'm assuming how it affected us etc. One idea on each sheet. For some reason this was not a simple task to me. I couldn't figure out what to put. He explained it again, identically as before, and I was trying to relate to him that I understood what was needed, but mine wasn't that simple. I stopped to think where I was "stopped" in my life and I realized all of me was stopped. I wasn't allowed to think, feel, hold my face in a funny way, express myself, do good, do bad, enjoy myself, pout or breathe. These three sheets and 6 elephants were not enough to express everything. I didn't have a little issue to work on, I needed a full life reset. I couldn't even pick the "most important" one as they were all one big issue. A friend of mine from high school (SK) was there. She wasn't necessarily the best in school, but she had a quick and easy time with the assignment. I sat there kind of paralyzed and excited at the same time. I didn't know what exactly to do next, but I was glad to finally see...

-----

Then I dreamt that I worked in a building across from another building. I'm not sure what the business was, just that it felt comfortable, that I liked my coworkers and that there was a pleasant feel. I saw things happening across the way at the other building and I didn't understand it all. I wanted to see more. I walked over and saw that their front door wasn't locked. I walked in. I found I was able to walk through the whole place without them knowing I was there. There were just a few women that worked there. I thought it was a little dangerous that anyone could walk in and they were not even curious. I walked to the back. I felt like there had to be some trick door or something in the back. There was just  stairwell. It looked like it went down, but I'm not sure to where. I let them know how easy it was to do this and maybe they might want to at least lock the front door. They then showed me that their building was connected to an office supply store. It was large like a warehouse. I thought it looked like fun. 

Asian race car

I dreamt that I was in Asia somewhere... not sure where. I was with an Asian guy that was supposed to race a car. We were in an underground parking lot that led into a store. I didn't know why we were there until he stole a car. It felt like he "had" to do it. I didn't feel that way, but he knew he needed to take the risk, and felt that it was ok to do, although knowing it was "officially" wrong. We jumped in the car and took off, which ended up being a van that was loudly painted in bright colors and Asian writing. There is no way we could really hide this van. We drove quickly down the freeway and then pulled into a small local market. It was close enough to where it was stolen and the parking lot was lower than the street, that I felt we could almost pull this off. We went into the store and my brother was there with his wife. I'm not sure if I told them what we did, but it seemed he knew we were not trying to get attention, that we were focused on something else besides picking up some vegies. We walked through the areas trying to look normal. I picked up some small tomatoes and paid for them. I was holding them in my hands. I wished I had put them in a bag to look like everyone else. As we went through the register area, I showed the older man that I had paid for him and he nodded and was fine with it.

exposure

I dreamt I was in a hotel room. I had gone for some event that had to do with rodeo or horses. There were others around that I had went with in other rooms. I felt this need to hide so I could get ready. I felt that I wouldn't be given a chance to get ready or that I would be criticized for what I was doing, as I was doing it. I found a room where someone had already checked out and went in there to finish up. I was hurriedly getting ready when someone walked in. It was a maid. She asked if it was my room and I was honest and said no, but that I had been staying in another room and decided to use this one instead as I knew the person that had checked out from it. She decided she need to call authorities, so I packed up and left... the whole time feeling anxious and exposed.

Then I dreamt I was in a retail store. I think I worked there. They sold clothes. I felt very watched and although I was doing a good job, I felt under scrutiny...

Then I dreamt I was getting ready again, this time in a friend's basement where I was staying or renting to work in or?? I felt I had to get ready in hiding again. It didn't feel good. Then someone came to my door. It was a man that is an actor in Hell on Wheels, the Dutch guy. In my dream he was a hypnotist that I know (British guy). He came in and I felt uncomfortable. Why was he here? I had nothing for him. Maybe he was here for my friend. I opened the door and he said he was there to learn and experience more psychic ?? stuff. I was confused as I thought he was very scientific and not into it at all. I in the dream I was a kind of expert on it, but my friend upstairs felt she was too. Part of me wanted to just send him to her. What if he was just asking to poke fun? 

all thumbs

I dreamt we had found another Earth type planet. People were milling around and being critical on how it doesn't have this or that. I was frustrated. I said... "Do you know how lucky we are we found this planet at all???? We are lucky to be alive?? Make the best of it!"

Then I had another dream about a guy I met a while back from Isle of Man, SM. He was being nice and friendly as if we were old friends and we were chatting, he was cooking. Then we sat on the couch and he kept poking fun at me verbally and then literally poking fun at me with his foot. I was laughing and trying to get away... then I realized he had a thumb growing out at a right angle to his heel.

the whole fam damily

I dreamt about a mix of things. It isn't all sorted in my head yet. But I've never had a dream with so many people I know in it before... friends PC, RP, BW ... family CC, SC, BC, PC, GC ... and possibly more.

In one part I was in a store/building. I was supposed to be preparing someone for death and then they died and making sure things were handled after. I felt like my heart was in the right place and I did the right things. But my friend PC came and my mom and RP and I felt as though they thought I didn't do everything appropriately. I knew the person that died was ok with what had happened, so I was just trying to deal with feelings of being disrespected by people who were not there, did not experience it and so didn't really "know." They just knew what they were seeing after the fact. They continued to finish up the duties and I helped in the room tidying up.

Then I was at a house. Not sure if it was one of my parent's house or not. I was in a shed and looking at all of the old things that had piled up. I think it was a mix of old grandparents' and great grandparents' things. I was excited to treasure hunt, clean up things and so on. I went back in the house for a cloth and my dad was in there. Out on the door step were my nice clothes. Mainly business clothes for work. I yelled why were they out on the wet doorstep to get ruined? My mother appeared and said they were not put away, so she got them out of the way. Another feeling of disrespect, but instead of the mild feelings I felt at the death scenario, I felt inferno angry.. I yelled at the reasons why this wasn't ok and part of me felt weak and teared up... why? why would she cause this frustration. Then my mind went immediately to why did I do to create this situation. I did leave the clothes out, I didn't trust them as well, I was doing things in a sneaky way.... pot/kettle/black...