Feeding baby

I had dream that involved a baby again... Hmmm I think it was someone elses. They were trying to get it to eat and it wouldn't, but I got it to eat all of its food. I broke apart a hamburger into little bits for it (hmm it seemed ok in the dream). Totally knocked him out after, so I could take him out, clean him up and put him to bed. I know there was a ton of other stuff going on. Another person there, guy trying on outfits. ummm???

Fairies

I had many dreams last night. Some were about some things/rules/procedures I had to follow and how my life would change if I just followed them.

One was I was part of this group that was supposed to set up this stage. One curtain needed to go up and they were looking for things to weight the other side of the rope with so they could lift the curtain up and down. I was kind of the mechanical person helping out. It seemed like it was my job.

I had other dreams that I was with this group of people. Almost like in a class. They were nice people and we had to do all kinds of things that stretched our comfort zones. First we were all sitting at tables waiting for the instructors. We were put into 2 teams and we were going to be on stage to answer questions like a game show sort of thing. I kept having to take gum out of my mouth that was stuck in there that filled my whole mouth. It was like I chewed the gum too much so that it was?? too soft so it was hard to keep together and take out. Was not fun. At one point people are trying to settle down, I felt good feelings about the people around me.. and they felt good feeling about me. It was a very nice feeling dream in that way. At one moment the game paused.. we were laughing and having jokes with one another. We were also all in costume. Then I walked over to these women while we were waiting. They were all chatting and then these tiny blue lights came flying in ... and I said "oh the fairies are here."..One woman - those aren't fairies! there isn't such a thing! Me and the other girl - have you ever seen one photographed? have you ever seen these "bugs" before? (she answered no). We were like.. - They are fairies! There was lots more that happened. Like people being there for each other in a kind and caring way and that sort of thing. Was a really nice experience if only in a dream. ;) Then I was walking along trying to remember the name of this guy they were talking about. I had gone to school with him. They said, the one that dressed up like Luke Skywalker in Highschool. I just couldn't think of his name. Then I saw some Mexican women and their little girl in the bushes. They came out and followed me back to the group. The little girl had a costume on that made her look like a little horse. Was cute and she was very happy about wearing it.

Oh had another dream that I was in this house with some friends. This guy from college was asking me to marry him. I was trying to avoid him asking me so I wouldn't have to say no to him. That was a strange one.

hmm big long dream

Had one dream where you picked out your hairstyle by different criteria. You could say.. I want business casual hair, curls and.. blah blah blah, then they would give you a list of hairstyles to choose from that fit that criteria.

Another was I was working. My brother started as a contractor for the company. He wasn't my boss but he had a higher position than me and was kinda ordering me around. Was ticking me off. I would more or less ignore him or explain why it was ok to do it as I was doing it. He wanted me to get orange juice for some people (temps). I said they are temps.. they dont' need OJ, they are here to work. (mind you in real life this guy from work wanted to come over today and bring mimosas... but I don't think he has work in mind). Then I was feeling funny anyway because I had no work to do, so I went back to my desk which was kind of in a cube but I had no ceiling so I was kind of outside. Then I was still working but at a hotel. I was talking to this girl from work about her and her boyfriend. SHe was saying how they broke up but he still comes by from time to time to do this or that (basically was using her when he wanted her around). She is such a sweet girl and really pretty. I was trying to give her advice on moving on from him. So partly we were in this hotel and partly in a townhouse she was sharing with another gf. Her exbf was a lot older too. Then I was "working" around the hotel. I felt like i was an event person and somewhat of an investigator. I went into the hot tub at one point and this gal had just done a summersalt in the air and landed in the hot tub. It was pretty amazing. She did a great job. She wouldn't take her clothes off that covered her swim suit though. Either would the other girl. Then I left out of the front of the hotel and my dad and step mom were there and they were going to help some old lady home. So we were trying to show her where to take her. I was like .... see that huge elvis statue that towers over the other building? That is where we are dropping you off. We ended up finding a shortcut where she just had to walk through a chainlink fence and a parkign lot to get where she needed to go. Then this dream melded into another dream that I was with this HUGE family. One of those ones that starts with 9 brothers and sisters, then they have 4 kids, and they have kids.. and so on. They were all going to one of the kids house (who was an adult now). His dad had some kind of cancer that ate away at his skin. I asked how he ws doing and he said his dad was good. He was keeping busy all the time doing things he just enjoyed doing. I was around sooo many of them, the totallypacked the house. Everyone kinda needed to use the bathroom, so the women were in one line and the men in another and we had to wait at the bottom of the stairs until the next person came out. The guy I had talked to earlier, this was his dad's house, but he was going to move into it. Each floor was set up like an entire house (kitchen and everything), so it was like he had his own place. I had brought bread for the evening and set it on the counter and some other edibles and then a ton of hand mits for the oven. :-s One was like a big sock. They were not too pretty.

Then I think I woke up.

cross country skiing and chocolate mint ice cream

ok.. first dreamt that I was with a group and we were going cross country skiing. This guy (who in reality was this metal's class instructor that I had - he was kinda good, but not very organized so his class was all over the place). Well, the ski class was all over the place too. It was taking forever for everyone to get all in their skis etc.. By the time everyone was ready and he knew where we were going, I looked down and one of my skis had broken. I could feel the tension in everyone thinking.. ok.. now we need to call someone, find a ski, get it fitted etc.etc... and I just said please go on without me. I was wanting to go skiing but at the same time, much preferred to be away from the disjointed group.

Then there was some dream where my extended family was around. My brother, dad and stepmom were there, but so was my dad's cousin (who I've maybe seen once in my life) some aunts and uncles, cousins I don't see normally etc. They were talking about me getting married to a cousin. I was like "He isn't my cousin! He is way down the family tree somewhere, but we don't even share the same bloodline!" Not sure who "he" is.. but. Mind you this was all in jest, they were just giving me a hard time. I think I needed to say what I said to convince myself more than them.

Then I remember riding a bicycle out of this suburban neighborhood (a very nice one). I was riding along feeling very out of place (the kind of out of place I feel around a bunch of corporate types, women w/ their business coifs, all put in that sort of package, personality and so on... while I've got my crazy curly hair, curvy body that doesn't quite fit right in a boxy blazer and mind set that really doesn't fit in the building). ok.. so riding down this hill outside of the neighborhoood. I didn't want to go too fast since I hadn't been on a bike in a while. I had the breaks on but it was still going kinda fast.. thenI stopped and was talking to this guy that worked on my floor (my job that just ended last week). We were flirty ?? I guess... or kinda seeing each other. We both fell asleep sorta on this bed. Then I had some chocolate mint icecream on the night stand. I wanted him to try it and then he finally did... umm and it was a little umm cozy as well.

That was about it.

pop quiz

Was in a class or something and the instructor told us to be ready for a pop quiz. He wanted us to state which of the things we have discussed are theory and which are law. I thought it was easy and went to a vending machine on break to buy some crackers. THen I couldn't figure out which # to push in and someone came behind me and pushed what they wanted and took it. THen I tried again and got my crackers. Everyone else in class was stressing over the quiz and were studying. I wanted to explain to them that it was simple etc., but then I figured they would just stress more. THis one gal was reading in her books. She had two books for the class when I only had the one. I said. well I'm sure you will do good etc..

Baby beaver, Allen Town...

Ok.. trying to remember my dream..still early..

Did wake up to "the cars" song "you might think."

Part of the dream a guy from work, Paul, was showing us pictures of him and his family going camping in NY. It was somewhere near Allen Town and he had a picture of some baby beaver they saved or something. Was kinda cute. We were at some function at a house. Like someone's birthday. Hmmm.... dunno

--

Kinda had a ? awake dream last night. Hmm trying to remember if I was awake or??
Last night I really did watch "darby O'gill and the little people." I hadn't seen it since I was a little kid (and when I was little, I loved it). So, I sat through the whole thing... and .. again I don't know if I dreamt this or did this, but I got up to go to the bathroom or something (not the important detail) and it was like I flash backed to my mind set as a kid. Not the.. oh can I go outside to play type thing, but more of... as if I had become an adult directly from that time, with no hurts, scars, tramas, etc... and how I would be without those experiences. It felt very stress free, light, feminine, enjoyable... Part of me felt like I missed my "edge." I'm not sure though if I missed it because I was scared to be without it... or was it really a better way to be. Hmmm

school and spiders

I know there is more to this dream but it hasn't all come back...

I remember it being dark out and driving into this parking lot. There was a man directing traffic into it and telling you where to park. It was an icky feeling for some reason... knowing what he was asking before you got there, reading his mind almost and knowing where he was going to tell you to park before he even did, then having to follow his orders. I parked and was going to park a little differently but had all eyes on me, so just parked. I got out of the car.. i was going to check this school out although under the guise that I was actually attending. At one point I went between some bushes. I'm not sure if was trying to hide or if I was just trying to avoid people. I went under one bush that sort of formed a canopy. I looked up and it was coated in spider webs. I took a deep breath so not to panick and then found a stick to wave all the webs and spiders away... then realized there was plastic sheeting under the bush's branches, so peeled that back so I could get out from under the bush web free. Hmmm... there is more and there were strong feelings from this dream that I didn't like so much... oh well. Got me up and out of bed to jog. ;)

Wormy veins, scrap book...??

OK.. a few odd dreams last night.

The first set are vague. I did dream about a guy from work that just asked me to coffee the other day. I usually don't dream about people I know, so that was interesting. He was just helping me with something, being very kind and polite (which doesn't seem like his personality in reality).

I had another one later (only remembering pieces). One part I had a little bump on my arm but it just felt weird. Like not just a mosquito bite but that it extended on the inside up my arm. So a scratched it a bit and it broke the sking. Then I saw a tube/vein, kind of like you find in your chicken sometimes that is kind of flat.. It was severed and I could look in it. Inside were tiny little worm like things (mind you they looked more like that hair rice pasta stuff). I pulled on them until they came completely out.. in doing that I found more.. and then more.. and then more... I kept pulling them all out of my arm wondering how I could have lived this long w/out knowing they were there, then wondering... ok.. in health class did we ever learn about this? am I taking something out that is supposed to be there? I thought and then couldn't recall it supposing to be there, so I kept on taking them out. Then I found a small octopus in my arm and took that out too. My dad and stepmom were there and I was telling them about it as they were going about their business. Then they were talking about this family that lived in a motorhome. It was this guy that wrote about it that was a comic strip writer. He, his wife and five kids all lived in this motor home and they were fine and "normal." I was trying to work out in my head how they could pace showers throughout the day with it not being a headache. The kids didn't attend school either, he home schooled them. Then I was looking for a plate to put a candle on. My friend Penny was in the dream and she said there was some china in a drawer in the dining room (not exactly what I wanted.. but). So I go to the drawer in the dining room and there were all kinds of fun things in there. There was a really neat scrapbook that I looked through with pictures, scraps of material, misc. things.. I found out later it was my brother's. My grandma was looking over my shoulder at them with me. Overall, nice feeling dreams.

Daniel Craig, killers and cleanse.. but not in that order

Ok, so doing this cleanse thing. Basically eating right for your ?? I would say origins, so food that agrees with your body. So for example, my ancestry is from the British Isles for the most part, so potatoes good, rice .. not as much. No alcohol, salt, pepper, sugar, etc etc. etc. I have to say I feel great (minus the first day I had a headache). In a good mood all the time, feel energetic and dropped 5.5 lbs in 4 days. Nice bonus. :D

Oh and 5 days left of work, then 24th leave for my trip...

Ok.. the dreams:


The first one some guy was coming to kill me. I don't remember much of that dream, but that I was suppose to put a certain label on some meat and go place it in New Season's... and he was going to follow me or something..??

Anyhoo.. but after that I had a Daniel Craig dream. We were looking for some bad guy so we run up to this old house and sneak in to the second story window.. (I'm assuming we climbed a ladder or something).

The room was all frilly, like a satin and chiffon bed cover that was white with blue bows and just.. fluffy pretty much everywhere in the room. So he goes "get on the bed" - woo woo you might think... but no. We both get on the bed and he starts moving so the bed squeaks so that someone from outside thinks we are having "fun." End up I find out we are in a brothel, so in order for no one to be suspicious of a room with the door closed, we had to make some noise. So he has me continue to tinker around in the room while he sneaks back out the window to go do some snooping. While I'm there I'm looking around. I see his shoes on the floor. I pick them up and look at the soles for some reason and they are really nifty. The main sole is bumpy and no clear edge would ever hit the ground so you couldn't trace his foot prints. Then there are cut outs with in the sole that you can pop out that have dog prints and raccoon prints. So he could pop those out and pin them on the outside of the sole to just show those kind of prints. Anyhoo... then I start looking around the room and the closet is full of more frilly clothes, boas, heels, etc.. then a woman/man comes in. I get the idea the brothel's main product is cross dressing ladies. He was kinda big and had dark brown ringlets (he must have been the one who decorated the room too :-s). I complimented him on his clothes to keep him occupied and then I don't remember the rest of the dream.

winds are changing

Ok.. if anyone has seen Mary Poppins you will get the reference. But it seems like everything is changing and not just for me. Out of my group of friends, one gal is moving to the east coast, anther is pregnant with twins, another is just starting a biz that I think will take her life in a new direction, two more had babies, and I'm ?? changing jobs again.

Before going to bed the other night I decided I might ask to dream something beneficial for me... like what should I be doing with my life next ... and not in symbols, or hints, or vague blurryness.. but I wanted a clear picture/scenario of what I should do...

So... I dreamt about baking cookies. huh... I was having a blast, was my own company, was making a batch for ? not sure an order or something, had some fun people in there with me and it was just really great. but..... I guess not what I expected. ;)

So if I truly took that at face value.. I guess I'd start a cookie biz.

If I took it at symbolic value... I would be producing something.. something tangible

If I took it as what I should be doing in my life.. start doing things that I enjoy for fun (which I really do enjoy baking.. like every part of it, even washing the pans in warm sudsy water at the end.

Maybe I'll start with that last idea.

Boats, picnics..?

Ok.. mid sun-salutations I remembered parts of my dream

it may be a bit mixed

but was at a function with lots of people my age (which in the dream was mid 20s). We were having a celebration of sorts... ? birthday, sprin time? something. Everyone was polite and nice... felt like I was more back in time a bit with men being dressed nice and so on. The group was touring this old building... well.. at first it was us all in row boats in this swampy area behind the home. It was pretty, weeping trees etc. but it was evening time. We were headed in a direction but then decided to stop at this house... we went up and it was very old, lots of old beautiful things... empty.. then it became a tour and it was some grand palace but more religious tones. We walked around and the guy I was with saw something.. an old wooden sculpture.. almost looked like sheild. It had a religious figure on the front and symbols. He put it under his coat to take. It had been in some place that we assumed no one knew it existed. I could feel some old man with a long white beard and cloak looking after us like he knew. So we went through the rest of the rooms with the othr folks and then went back to the boat and put the sculputer there mid tour. I said "don't you think someone will find it?" and he felt confident. I just didnt' want him to get into trouble. All the men were in light colored spring suits (like pale yellows, whites etc... it felt like the 20's I think). We went from there to?? i think a picnic on the hill. The hill was in the middle of a lake with nice trees and maybe a house. It was written that you could rent the place for a day (overnight) for $75. The whole island. We were going to do it but then didn't. I remember walking through a grass field to come back kind of behind the others. The feeling was a bit of...?? being away from everyone intentionally. Like ignored, but I made it that way. Getting back to the house I remember something about worrying about bringing mud into the house?

Then there was a skip and I went to a place where my dad was going to play. They had him set up in a separate room from where the dance floor was with only a doorway inbetween. He was upset because he knew the people wouldnt' get into dancing as much if he wasn't in the same room to kid with him. We (myself and my step mom) went to find seats at a table but some guy took most of the chairs.. we knew we wanted to face my dad (but at the moment we were facing the tv and watching some game). We got drinks etc... I had something in my hands? something to keep occupied with..

there is more but can't remember the rest.

Dolphins..

dream this morning... chair?? ugh.. just jumped out of my head.

Ok.. but woke up to an Olivia Newton John song.. "the promise" pretty song really and here are they lyrics:


The Promise (The Dolphin Song)
See them play in the moonlight
Watch them dance in the sun
They're the children of freedom - everyone

As they care for each other
With no question or cause
They deserve to be treasured as a source of love

In their minds there are answers
And in time we will know
What the truth is about all we don't know

They have no room for hatred
Though they've suffered much pain
From the race we call human - who are afraid of love

If I can only help to right a wrong
With my dolphin song
Then I'll have done what I set out to do
If I can only make one man aware
One person care
Then I'll have done what I promised you

Let us hope it's not too late
And that we can amend
All the pain we have suffered on a friend

We were born with our freedom
Oh we were born with the truth
Then why do we abuse it
We could choose - to love, to love

jog/sprint/job/travel/etc.

Ok.. so .. was up on the jog/sprinting and then have been flaking out.. :0s...

Realized it helps a TON if I wake up earlier than when I need to book out the door to sprint to be on time for work. So now.... just need to get my gluts out of bed. Now doing 3 sets of 13 flights of stairs a day, so that is good. Totally have dropped the ball on memorizing the pilates moves, not good. I need to get on it

Jobs.. let's see.. had two jobs that I was working on. A project job where I currently work.... or an analyst job somewhere else. The project job I found had already been offered to someone else, analyst job still up for grabs as far as I know and got a call from current company on another project job.

Project job - pros: $$, room to grow, high profile, busy, good team, can walk to work...
cons: high stress, don't want to be a PM now so why continue on this path, huge monster company with huge monster problems that includes a huge hairy red tape monster.

Analyst job - pros: small office (6 folks), cozy, black and white job so I can go home and still have a brain left, clear expectations, autonomy, no red tape, ..
cons: not as much $$, not sure about upwards mobility in a 6 person office ;)...

I think I have warm fuzzies for the analyst job.. I just need a break and also to feel like I accomplish something.. huge projects can be so messy and vague... crossing my fingers

Travel... will be going to isle of man in oct. :) very excited. Also might be going on an overnight sailing trip on the Pacific somewhere :D. Fun fun!!

Etc. ... need to start doing some hobby stuff.., painting, sculpting, sketching, draping.... might check in with my friend roberto.. artist fella.. and see if we can have some art dates.. where we both just sit and do stuff. Might be fun.

Also working on finances. I actually have a financial advisor now (woo wee... ).

Ummm guess that is it.

Next time I type, unless I have some great dreams, it will be updating on my new job and start date. ;)

Cruise ships, photoshop and pooches...

Ok.. vaguely remember my dreams from last night, but one of them was a good one.

One I was on some sort of cruise ship, but people lived on it?? felt more like a community than a vacation... My dad was there.. played more of a father figure type than he really is. I was introverted (go figure) and kind of avoided social gatherings.. At one point I was in a bathroom stall just to be alone. I sat there and thought if anyone asked me what I was doing, I'd say I was writing. :-s.. Anyhoo.. not sure exactly what was said, but something along the lines that my dad thought I should get out more, "be" with people and so on.

Hmmm remembering some rocky beachy part of a dream.. dark night, rocky coast... very pretty.. hmmm my friend the Tree guy was in it (but just had dinner with him last night .. so that makes sense).

Had a dream about my dog (which I don't have anymore). I saw her and my stomach instantly got tight.. like happens when you are stressed, avoiding something.. etc. With her it was. oh yeah, she is matted, dirty, I need to take care of her.. I can't do what I want because I have to take care of her. etc.etc.etc... then I sat down and played with her for a bit, rubbed her tummy and so on.. and I forgot how much I really enjoyed her. Then I thought.. if I just put more time and effort into her, I would enjoy her so much more.. instead of avoiding mainting her and spending time with her so that she becomes this dark cloud to me. (this was the good dream.. kind of an ah ha.. of how to treat everything in my life)

Then had another dream about photoshop. Took a pic of a business group. I needed to put them in front of their building so did it with photoshop. I was making adjustments and the people were b/w and the background was in color which didnt' look right. Then I put the background in color.. which didn't look right either... but then I thought. I'll punch up the people's color a wee bit, have the background be a wee bit dull.... and it worked and looked pretty great. Not enough for someone to notice.. just made you focus on the people more.

And that is about it.

Hmm...

Had another dream... was with my friend's husband (french guy/actor) and we were just going along with this other guy to run some errands. One was in an art gallery and I thought we were going to see some great art by some guy that starts with an A... we get to teh floor, an amazing space, all white and all of the art is stark and white-ish too. But these pieces were his architectural renderings... unique angles....

Then we left there to drive home and this car was kind of a mess.. it was an old beater.... He could hear his phone ringing but it was in the back seat somewhere... at one point this guy, surfer looking guy, totally cut us off... I saw the guy and once he noticed us he was totally sorry and didn't see us and tried to wave at us to say sorry.... I told french guy about his face and he made a guester back... like a..?? what one does when they taste good food and think it is perfect.

So I start going through stuff in the back seat to find the phone and it has my grandpa's jeans back there.. with all sorts of pockets and wallets, a light sensative remote??, keys... etc.etc.. then finally french guy's phone. Mind you my grandpa died a few years ago, but my grandpa's voice was "on" when I was going through his things and he was swearing a lot (which he didn't do)... Like that is that "f'n" remote I got, doesn't work worth damn .... and so on

Then we get "home" and french guy is cleaning the kitchen... and I can see things that he is doing although I'm in the living room.... is strange.. he puts something in the recycling bin.. and it is like I am seeing it from the bottom of the bin... Then there is this mirror (hmm again a mirror) and somethign kept going on in my mind that I was powerful... and that I knew I could do things once people were in the mirror. So I asked him jsut to put his hand on his chest... but ... he kept fidgeting .... so he then was showing me this tatoo he got .. or was in the midst of getting and it was his skeleton.. all over his body etc.. (just showed me the back)... then he went back to the kitchen to clean. I then tried to do things in the mirror and the worked.... like.. could see my own hand in the mirror.... but scratched it with "mind"... and it scratched my hand.

Had a dream before this was with a friend from work... she was working at a sandwich biz. I took a break from my job and went down to her biz chit chatting and stuff.... Someone from my work had been calling for a while I guess.. I needed to get back (had been gone 4 hours)... then she drove me back on a moped.... ?? something with my dad and stepmom being there...and packing ....hmmm

laundry shed and cowboys

Dream

I was doing laundry…
Forgot.. got up next morning to go check it. Was doing it in a little white shed outside my place..cute yet spooky….
I still needed to get my whites. I went inside to collect them and it felt like the shed moved.. but I thought I was imagining things.. then it was sliding down a slope.. I used my mind to move it back a bit… but then it slid again and fell over.. slid into the road and was upsidedown… neighbor kids were out.. and I was?? Not sure if embarrassed, but just got out and was going to “put things back”

Some feeling of my dad in the dream.. I think he was before all this. Oh.. was in a livingroom when he was leaving for a show or something…. There was a mirror/picture that was scary… when you looked in it you could see at certain angles a cowboy in it looking back at you… but looked ghostly… my grandma was in the livingroom and I think I was supposed to get her something to eat or something.. my dad said to ignore the mirror (as in don’t worry about it)… hmm like we were all leaving or preparing for something.

No dreams lately.... but new plans-ish

Ok.... so not going to east coast.. and I'm HAPPY about that. ;)

Also not moving... SUPER HAPPY about that too....

Some switched turned in me after I decided not to move.. and could nest. I'm happy about just about everything. Kinda nice ;)

So now trying some interval training stuff.... jog/sprint/jog/sprint.... It is kinda fun. Today is the first time I've done it with music which made it MUCH better. Also have decided to do it on the street instead of on the dark track. Kind of fun and exciting.. we'll see what it does. It has already made it MUCH easier to do the stairs (do 13 flights at a time and now I can do them fast w/out heavy breathing).

Next.. memorize all the Pilates moves..... ;)

ok.. was just checking in really ... so I guess I'll continue to pretend to work.. this will go until about Oct. 10. ;)

Italians and Aligators

Ok... just remembered some dreams and wanted to jot them down.

Had a dream I was going to this apartment. It was a new place for me to live temporarily or something. Not my kind of place. One of those huge apartment complexes in the burbs w/ lots of parking lots. Not horrible, just not my thing.

So on the way there... I run into this spot where the water is deep (dip in the road and water leak). And there just happens to be aligators there. I ride my bicycle through it and go to call the police for the water leak, the aligators (2 of them) and I think someone was hurt as well... Then I go riding back to town?? to a community house/coffee shop/gym type place. I see two guy friends there Ciro (friend of mine's husband/Italian) and Andrea (my exbf/Italian). They both give me a kiss hello, there are children around, it feels cozy yet chaotic, but nice, but not, but nice.... I had to get on to someplace else and I know I was all wet from riding in the rain. I left them and jogged in the rain.

Then some other dreams where?? I was on a construction site? or hmmm there was a feeling of getting prepared ... getting things set, etc...

And another where someone told me, if you say it outloud or to another person it will be stronger/have more of an affect. Also someone saying something like... take the image and make it smaller and you will be able to handle it better.

hmmm

Life Plan Update... well.. not so much a "plan"..

Ok...

Feeling a little bit empty and in need of a change.
Part of it might be that my friends are either getting married off, moving, etc.. so I don't get to see them so often. My brother might move away for 6 months at a time. My job isn't fulfilling. I live in an amazing beautiful state, but with a lot of people I don't totally connect with (Portland is clique city, lots of herbavores, blue collar hipsters, "artists," super green people etc.). I'm more of an open minded generalist... not too much in any direction, can appreciate other people, but don't force your ideas on me. And I'm single and I don't want to date a 40 year old that skateboards, a vegetarian that wants to live in a home with others to make his environmental footprint smaller, the blue collar hipsters that has his hair in a pompador, a dreadlocked patchouli smelling- tie-dye wearing guy, or the band member wannabe that works in a pizza parlor. Then there is the conservative extreme we have here too and I'm not that either.

Soooo I think what I'm missing is some close friend, family feel and maybe even some friends that have become grown ups. I appreciate an open mind-set, but none of my friends want to grow up. My brother has 3 x-boxes, my girlfriends do not want kids (not sure if it is to keep their physique or what), my guy friends are able to stick to the peter pan lifestyle and.. I guess I'm bored of this stage of life. Want something more.

Soooo (again)... thinking of moving to the east coast. I have some close friends there that are married, have a baby (my god son - super cutie), setting up their life. Would get to learn about a new area, meet new people (keep in touch with old), 8 hours closer to Europe, ... it just might be the ticket.

I'm applying for two jobs today.

I really should just do it. I could temp there in the mean time. ... Jump

Aliens, illegal aliens and the Beatles

Ok... couple crazy dreams..

***
Had a dream I was at Longbeach (but it was more of a cove with mountains on one side). I was sitting on the beach enjoying it with my brother and some friends and it was starting to get dusk. Then we saw one bolt of lightening that hit behind the mountains. We all thought it was cool and were looking for more, when we saw 3 lights from that same area shoot off in different directions. My brother thought it was space ships. Then we looked again and actually saw a craft of some sort. We started walking quickly towards town to get to our car or something to get a better look, and we ran into an old man that told us that the reason the government wasn't so strict with us about recycling, was because they were selling our garbage to the aliens. The aliens lived on a planet that didn't have natural resources (metals, minerals, etc.), so they would take ours. Which would be all fine and dandy, but for the fact we would at one point use up all of our natural resources and need to use these dump sites as places to mine for resources in the future. They took the old man away (they new what he was telling us). and then they took me on a hover craft mainly to scare me into being quiet. These were humans working for the aliens. They were dressed in suits with helmets. The one behind me took her helmet off and it was Madonna. ;) She was making wise-cracks etc. They took me up behind the mountain and there was a facility and workers etc. One woman was talking to herself and said.. I have Fish ***?? something.. like disorder or whatever. And what would happen is after you worked with their equipement/ the garbage/etc. a condition would happen where from about mid-thigh down the legs would get thinner and kind of bind together and then from mid-thigh up the body would retain lots of water and not old its shape, so it would be large and fatty. She was happy about this though, because it meant she could quit working..

weird
***
Next dream...
I was driving with my brother's roommate and we saw some cops taking people and hitting them etc. But they were not "good" cops (duh). They were a Mexican mafia of sorts and their enemies were black people and white people. They took me hostage with some black and white guys and they were possibly going to kill us a the end. We were in someone's house and they had little kids around etc. I was the only girl so they had me helping with their children. I woke up before everyone one morning and went outside. I could have made a run for it, but I was more likely going to get caught... felt that way. A neighbor saw me, a black man and I wanted to yell for help, but I could tell by his face he knew what was going on, and he knew it was best to be quiet. So I went back in the house. Later they let me go to a university (I think I was a professor there and I needed to be seen so they didn't suspect anything). But they were watching me. I saw the neighbor guy and nodded to him. I needed to know where it is that the house was and so I knew better how to get away next time, or to alert the police. We met in a classroom but had to separate quickly. Some woman posing as a student was following me. Anyhoo.. was interesting having the whites and black be minorities together.

***
Then I had a mini dream after where I was at a bbq, having some beers, I had bf of sorts and he kissed me on the shoulder and it was really nice.

***

Then I woke up to the Beatles song "Carry That Weight." I looked up the lyrics this morning (a lot of times lyrics have some connection on what is going on in my life at that moment). They lyrics didn't mean much, so I looked up the "meaning" of the lyrics. And found this:


"(this is part of a medley on Abbey Road) the I never give you..... couplets are about getting very close to a relationship with someone where there is a mutual feeling, but never managing to actually take the last step. the carry that weight bit is about having to deal with difficult things that dont go away quickly, but the idea of carrying them..."

"This is about how one feels toward having a second lover in their life when they already love someone. Having a second lover is a lot of weight and all the lyics follow how someone may feel about a that "side" woman... "

And now for the background... I have been showing my brother's roomie around and hanging out with h im for about 5 months. We hit it off immediatly as friends. It was kind of strange. Nothing romantic, but sometimes here and there.. maybe standing closer than normal for a lingering moment and so on... Key issue. He has a girlfriend. I have met her. My brother thinks they seem like an unhappy old couple. No arguing, but no talking either. But that isn't for me to think about, and either is he really. He leaves in a week... so.. anyhoo.. appropriate song.

dream of the night

started off with ?? dinner with a friend I used to work with. He is married and he was making moves on me which I didn't care for... So I moved to another table politely and acted as though I was falling asleep. He bought me a glass of wine before he left and I pretended to enjoy it. Icky feeling...

Then still in the restaurant, now house, it was my exbf's or his brother's or...? I was walking around and his brother's gf was there... I told her I was just there to drop something off or something like that... again, an uncomfortable feeling, like I was doing something I shouldn't be or some place I shouldn't be...

Then a blond, made-up gal comes in, and has a "I'm a snob" air about her... . She says "I'll give you solar?? sessions if you would buy this house." More of a "do me a favor dear... but I don't really mean it, because I know you won't buy it." She must have just come from some solar thing because she had these huge goggles on and was sweating a little around the forehead. The house at this point was a friend of mine's and his partner's and they were selling it. It still had some of their furniture in it here and there. It was a huge single story, multi level, lots of windows, modern-esque... lots of angles here and there to feel like the outside was inside... nice, but also foreboding, creepy, ... had an odd feel, like it was too much to handle, was nice and what everyone might want.. so you felt the urge to buy, but it wasn't what I wanted. I think the two sides of me were confused about that and why I felt what I felt etc.

Then my friend's dog was trying to get my attention so I would go somewhere.. it pulled me to an outside spot where there was a pond with kind of eerie frogs and lizards... no movement in the water and then I saw a baby chick and I took it out of the water. Then I woke up.

but I woke up to a voice in my ear saying "comment by atkins."

All left me with a creepy feeling this morning.

I kind of feel like it is a review of some of my life though. :-s Being, doing, having things that are not me just because it is the thing to do. Hard to break out sometimes to see what is you. Hmm...

_____

At work. Not motivated. Need to be.

Have an awards show to go to in LA. Got a dress this weekend etc. Not really looking all that forward to it.

My brother's roommate is going back to germany soon. Not looking forward to that either. We have a really good time, can read each other well. Was nice having him around.

ok... time to work.

cactus roses

ok.. not sure I spelled that right.. and don't care too much at the moment

have been busy busy lately... I got an extension on my job. That PM that sucked on the previous post? Well, she got canned and they gave me the project. :) Also there have been hints of creating a job "like what I'm doing"... and/or being the dept. manager. Nice for the ego, but not sure i want it.

I have done a handful of informational interviews and learned yet another thing about myself... I like project work, but short projects, and more of the concept end than anything. Not a big fan of being a task master. It is ok when everyone is as efficient, cares about getting things done, etc. as you, but when they are not, it just stresses me out. I don't know if I want that on a regular basis. Makes me feel better each time I learn something ... as well as realize that .. hmm if it stresses you out.. maybe you don't like that ?? Crazy how the mind works and well... more like how you have trained your mind to work. I'm sure it was helpful to talk myself into things at one point in my life but it sure was a mind $#@* for later when I can't even read simple signs.

anyhoo... had several dreams... one about me writing. I tell myself daily that I hate to write, but I think I just hate to write about things I don't care about. So anyway, I wrote this ?? piece, guess it was amazing and got a lot of attention.. mentioned something about a ? yellow rose?? and so people from all over the world were sending me these cactus plants that had yellow roses. My director was there and she said she had taken all the letters that came w/ the plants and had them filed. I wanted to see them, but they "owned" them now or something.

Her office was covered in shelves of Italian pottery and boxes of pasta. Strange.


Let see.. had another that involved traveling.. like was on a train, then a ship etc.. but wasn't sure where exactly I was supposed to go or if I was on the right train. (ok, that isn't a hard one to interpret). But met people on the way and it was nice and adventurous.

I'm at hurry up and wait again at work.

*sigh*

getting down to the wire

I have exactly five weeks left of incoming paychecks (not really work, because there isnt' much to do). That consultant has introduced me to some folks, so have been doing that... and tonight I have to have to have to have to rewrite my resume. Which for me for some reason is torture. I need to change that attitude though. It isn't rocket science so I don't know what my problem is.

Ok.. maybe part of it is I'm writing for something I'm not sure I want.. oh well

Oh and this is me procrastinating.

Let's see.... not sure if there is anything else exciting going on. Still meditating. Do about 2 hours total a day (split up). I think I am more patient, tolerant etc. So far it is a good thing and I enjoy it. I kind of feel high afterwards.... not that I would know what that felt like.... ahem.

We had a meeting today. The consultant gal was handing over a project to this new PM that she hired and the poor woman SUCKED! She has all the training/credentials and so on, but training does not a PM make. You either have that mind set or you don't. Which brings me to another grrrrrr topic. PMC (project management certification).... what a joke. I mean.. again, you either know how to project manage, have sought out tools or you don't. The PMI is make a ton of dough on this joke. It is basically a vocabulary book regarding PM and they take something very simple and make it as complicated as possible. PMs w/ the certification I'm sure want to keep it because it gives them a step up and more $$, but really, PMs are smart.. they should say something. It is not like them (at least the good ones) to be sheep. I don't get it.

Ok.. just did some more time wasting.. made some really bad coffee... tossed it cleaned the cup. Now making tea and haven't even openned up my resume. Maybe I'll put on that meditative music and focus. :-s

oh.. one more thing.. had a dream about the german fella (brother's roomie) and his gf. I dreamt that she was my friend and was telling me she was seeing someone else in germany that made her very happy and she wasnt' sure how to tell him. Then I saw him and was excited to see him and we just sat there and hugged. Very bizarre... Seemed very real.

ok... now I'll write.

levitation

ok.. had a really scary dream this morning. I was in my bed just as I was.. and was on a meditation high of sorts.. and my arms started levitating. At first it was kind of cool.. then I thought... maybe the rest of me could.. so I could feel it in my stomach.. getting lighter and then lifting but then it felt like someone was grabbing my arms.. but I couldn't see.. was so scary. So then I forced myself to "wake-up" in my dream... and I got out of bed and ran to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I went to look in the mirror and I couldn't see my reflection. I was panicked and hit the mirror w/ my hand.. almost trying to make it work and it wouldn't.

Then I looked up again and I could see very dark brown hair (mine is dishwater) and was almost scared to see the face, but then it was mine.

Oy! what a scary dream.

Then that went into being at some function.. trying to find my step mom and dad. They were there.. then my aunt was there w/ her daughter, daughter's husband and kids. My aunt had made them all matching clothes.. fushia and turquoise sating dresses w/ ruffles and lace (:-s) and then matching shirts for the boys and they had lace ruffles a the bottom of their pants. They seemed fine with it. I remember feeling somewhat lost or out of place... then I woke up.

~~~~
And some nice news...

Was in a meeting w/ company biz consultants - they are working on cleaning up a process in our dept. At the end the gal asks me to stay after then says that she doesn't usually do this but she has a good feel for people and she thinks I"m quick, smart etc.. and wants me to work in her dept. and/or somewhere better.. even if it isn't w/ the company. :) Made my day. ;)

Oy...

Ok.. been doing all these great exercises.. can "feel" the difference.. but I think the beers, chocolate etc. every night w/ brother's roommate are not helping the "seeing" the difference part. Will experiment this week w/ no beer (or maybe one light beer).

I'm exhausted.. not due to exercise, not due to lack of sleep.. I think due to speaking English to someone who doesn't know it so well. Oy... didn't realize how much effort it took to speak very simply and/or having to explain lots of vocabulary. Yesterday I think I was tanked out... couldn't even talk. Then last night couldn't sleep so much...

Today I should really try to focus on work. Like real work.. well... I have some things on my plate now that they officemate is gone.. but it was really her deal... her expertise .. not mine... will take me 4 times as long to due since I know nothing on the subject and will have to not only learn it... but then write it ... with not being an expert.. hmmmm..... I guess I don't see it as the best use of my time.. ;) Would rather rewrite my resume and apply for jobs. ;)

OK... either way I guess I better get to something.

Oh.. and been having lots of dreams .. umm ?? "physically romantic" ahem.. dreams.. ok.. not the full deal or anything.. just of lot of innuendo/intent. I usually don't have those dreams.. it is a little disturbing. In love dreams... good... just ?? odd situations .. no so much.

Meditation, DVD stuff.. neat neat

Ok.. was doing these exercises from this dvd.. I exercise and jog etc. in general, but these were different and I wanted to check it out. Had to do with kind of moving around your insides, stimulating glands etc. (love trying out new exercises).... So.. after only 11 days.. and 15 mintues a day.. lost 11 inches (measuring calves, thighs, waist, etc.) And on top of that.. haven't lost an ounce. So pretty interesting. I usually bulk up w/ exercises, so this was a nice change.

Now I'm trying the 60 minute workout by the same person... I'll have to report back on that after about 30 days or so. I just measured though again after doing it for 2 days and I have lost a total of 5 inches in my waistline alone. Nice

Also, been reading about brainwaves and meditation and so on and am checking out this meditation cd w/ sounds.. Have only tried it twice so far (not supposed to do more than once a day) and so far it does put me in a pretty good state. I'll give more feedback on that one too in about 30 days. ;)

I've been showing around my brother's roommate lately. (my brother is out of town and his roommate is visiting the U.S. for only 6 months - he is an inturn & German). I find myself coming home and speaking in an accent in my head. ;) Kind ov fun, don't ewe sink?

Rescue Blue

Had a dream I was a spy or something.. or worked w/ some sort of agency. I was in an airplane and we were scouting for where our people were. We were in England or something. Very green, village-y. My dad was supposed to parachute out and I was trying to show him that where he was parachuting was a trap. The people were all dead. He jumped though because he didn't understand what I was saying. So I landed and then was going to get a car or something so I could go rescue him. I was in a house looking for keys or something when one of the bad guys was in there. So I ran out to the neighbors and hid.. The old man there was helping me and helped hide me. I called my dad to tell him he was in a trap and I was coming as soon as I could.

Another dream type thing I was in a store with my boss. We were getting supplies of some sort. Again I was in a foreign country, this time Germany I think. I was shopping around and then ran in to Mariena. My ex-bf's brother's gf. She was with her brother. Before I ran into her the word "blue" came into my head and something told me it was important.. then she came around the corner and she had her hair died black with strips of blue. She was there to get a job in a club. Not sure if she was bartending, singing or what. Then that was the end of it.

mind is spinning

been reading some good stuff lately. I can't stop reading... first started reading two books w/ similarities.. that both had activities... then reading another two books that also have activities.

It has kept me awake and focussed at work. ;)

Been doing these actual physical exercises lately too that have changed how my body works?? kinda sounds strange, but I'll give more details as it goes... we'll see what happens. Kind of fun. :)

I'll report back on this stuff when more happens I guess.

Not sure what my dream was last night.. but yesterday woke up to Olivia Newton John's song.. We have to believe we are magic.... followed by kajagoogoo's Too shy... hmmm

dreams painting and happy

moving paintings around for a painting exhibtion

guy/dad like figure was saying "paint , be creative.. paint down what ever comes up in your mind..."

so at the same time.. he was painting an apple.... and the guy right next to him was painting a very similar picture w/ a diff medium (chalk on suran wrap)..The older guy looked over then crumpled up his apple painting.

then there were parts about this art person.... him visiting - not a good feeling
another blip of a radio saying.. "check to see if he knew her number before.. blah blah blah"
this girl there saying thank you to me for being a good friend
moving around "pin" boards to place the art on
I was organizing... everyone else was painting
-----
separate dream

this older man came up to be and said.. "I see you are having trouble with this idea (the idea being doing things for me), unless you are happy, you never reach full peace... and peace is the energy/vibes that you want to spread, so do what it takes to be happy"

trains, planes and zombies...

Ok.. this weekend I had a zombie dream... was with some friends, some people I didn't know.. all staying in a house in a warm place like southern california. Half of the people left because they knew the zombies were coming, and I stayed there with a guy (older, chubby, teddy bear type) and 3 little kids. We locked all the doors and sat there and played card games and kept the kids quiet. The zombies were constantly banging on the front door and this red ooze was coming through it. I went to the kitchen and was about to look out side to see how bad it was and he said "NO, don't look outside whatever you do" as soon as they see you these locks won't hold... etc. They are just mindlessly banging right now.

Then last night I had a dream I was on a train trip with some friends. Terry (this gal that lives near me) was in the back reading (I had just seen her that yesterday reading in the courtyard). She said.. oh.. are n't you supposed to jump off here? Everyone else had gotten off but me. The train started going and she was wearing my shoes.. I was trying to get them back and then it was too late to jump. I ended up getting off in the next town (and it was like we were in northern south america or something). There wasn't much in the next town. I got off and tried to find them. I stopped at a merchant to ask where I could look around, he pointed towards the town which looked pretty picturesque. Didn't mind if I didn't find them. Then this man was trying on shoes, they had the same green pattern on them that mine did.. and I mentioned it... that was about it.. oh... but there was some kid zombie in this one .. just walking down the street... I would just avert my eyes.

Japanese, Trams, ice skating

Let's see... didn't sleep a whole lot last night but dreamt a lot

I remember one where I was with this japanese kid and his dad. The kid and an icecream and I was trying to show him how to eat it so it wouldn't drip all over. .. He thought it best that we both eat it. Then they were gone and it was getting late and I wasn't sure where to go. I remembered the man saying "if you ever get lost, take tram 4" ... or something like that. So I took tram 4, got off on the platfrom. There were empty benches and one w/ about 4-5 Japanese young guys. I was a little nervous walking by them, but one of them recognized me and told the others to leave me alone (in Japanese, so I guess I just knew he said that).

Next one I was either in school or involved in some sort of club, school, group. We were all just arriving and meeting people and were supposed to find a skating partner. I ended up with some guy. In my dream I was a really good skater.. was really fun. I know there was more to this dream. Can't remember at the moment.

New Stuff

Taking a metals ?? class. Spent last night sawing metal and learning about saudering.. fun fun.

Signing up for a class re: metal clay.

Moved to another floor at work.

All crazy makers kind of have disolved out of my life magically.

My friends Annie and Tom had their baby! :D

Friend Penny bought a home.

That is about it for now. ;)

Ding dong the witch is dead!

Ok.. a looooooooooooooooooong time coming, but my office nemesis is finally gone!!! :D I don't want to dwell on the whole thing, but I learned some valueable lessons from this experience and I'm very happy that I'm free of her.

Lesson 1

If you run into crazy making people, nip it in the bud immediately and strongly.

Lesson 2

Don't think they will ever change.

Lesson 3

Know you are worth sticking up for... over being "nice" and hoping things will change.

and other updates

Career - leaving this one soon :) and off to other adventures :)

Health/balance - doing good ... clicking in place :)

Finances - Debt free!!!!! :)

Life is good!

in trouble

another futuristic dream.... ugh not remembering much.. had it all clear about 6:30 a.m... I really need to get unlazy and write it down when I wake up. ugh

---

I was cleaning out files this weekend.. did taxes.. etc. So I ran into these papers from some workshops I took. Some of the exercises were introspective, what did you enjoy when you were young/etc. and so on... One of the questions was an interesting one... What did you used to get in trouble for?...

I didn't get in trouble a lot because I was an out of sight out of mind kid, but maybe for not getting chores done/room cleaned... and that was due to dancing, making up routines, singing, ... Might be a little late for that as a career. ;)

Dream city - iron/beach/etc

1
had a dream the guy I was seeing went shopping for a new ironing board, iron etc.... the iron was $150, the board was around $4k. :-s... He said he wanted quality... but he didn't work and I did. oy.. made me nervous... Similar dream I think I was telling my step mom about it.. we were in some futuristic car (it knew where we were going so we didn't have to drive... or need to see through the windshield. You could have the windshield be a screen.... we were on the internet and I was showing her what he purchased. :-s. Then we arrived at some hospital.. not sure if I worked there or what, but I did have an apt. for a haircut. No one was there to give me one that was supposed to, then one girl sat me reluctantly in a chair to cut my hair... anyhoo.. not sure if she did it or I did, but my hair was cut in a horrible bob. I looked hideous. I was then supposed to go to some formal event and I was lucky and found a great, perfect fitting gown for only $45. The other women there were jealous for how nice I looked, so I tried to play myself down (really bad habit in reality).

2
Was at a Dave Knox's house for some reason. He has a huge home, one story. We were all there watching movies (this group I used to hang out with) and my mom and his mom etc. I fell asleep on the couch thing and I guess everyone headed out for the beach. He said I fell asleep the night before. I needed to go use the rest room and one was busy so I went to the one in his bedroom, but it had spiders in the shower curtain so I ran out. I ended up following them all to the beach with my mom and his. My mom though had half of her hair died dark brown, the other part a golden sort of platinum, and tha third part orange/red, but for some reason this looked really good on her and made her skin look porcelain white. Dave Knox led me to the driveway , which looked like we were going somewhere steep and dangerous, but ended up at the driveway. I looked down at his gravel driveway and there was stuff he dropped, two cork screws, pocket knife w/ a cork screw?? My mom and I were standing in the driveway and she was trying to talk me into that golden platinum color.. :-s

3
Had some dream somewhere in there where I was watching an older tv program... There was this address that had been popular back "then." She was a bit plump, but for some reason, the guys really liked her. She was cute.

I know I had more.. can't remember...

2007 - Day 33 - Vampire dreams - post w/ purpose update??

Dreams

Ok, had a dream that Val Kilmer was a vampire and he was after me and everyone.. but he didn't kill you or necessarily take a bite out of your neck.. because that would make you a vampire. He would take the skin off you... nice eh? So I have a boyfriend in the dream... short little guy with dark hair... ;) and we both get our faces ripped off. He is worried about how he looks etc.. and I told him I loved him no matter what, so don't worry. Then he asks me if I am still up for game night w/ our friends.. (kind of jokingly).. and he goes.. it is at our house tonight... so we end up having game night and stuff... strange. It did make me realize how strong love is though... real love. And that it can get past all that.. I knew I loved the person, and wanted to be w/ them and nothing else mattered.

Another dream was that I was ?? going from one house to the one next door, not wearing much... ?? like a towel.. and there were kittens running around... and some older people that lived there that were nice?? and giving me advice?? like kind of like the above.. just follow your heart.. forget about the rest... then my brother and friends were all packed up and ready to walk to the beach.. from portland no less.. at night in the rain. I was getting the rest of the gear.. but still needed to get some clothes and make sure the kittens were all in safe.. then I woke up.

_____
Ok.. I think way long ago I was going to do a post w/ the purpose of documenting some goals.. etc.

1. figure out where I fit better careerwise - ummm :-s not sure how far I have gotten.. know that I'm not a corp. girl or a marketing person... still exploring
2. balanced healthy life style
fitness - joined a boot camp, then aerobics, then hurt my shoulder/car in shop - so walked to work - which ended up being way better for slimming down my legs than bootcamp or aerobics... so need to figure if I should scrap aerobics and just walk
diet - went to natureopath - fixed some stomach issues, know what to eat so I don't have stomach issues, need to work on keeping away from the prob. stuff
mental/emotional health - fine/good??
3. $$ not sure this was on there.. - paid off car, working on the next bit and then finito.. just need to start investing after that

Day 31 - more dreams - scissors and fishnets

Ok totally didn't sleep well last night. Not sure if I miss the gentle rolling of my hollywood bedframe or??

Anyhoo... had some strange dreams.. keep dreaming about my home town and people from it which is strange.

I dreamt I was going to some destination there and was late/lost/couldn't find it.. was an anxious feeling. Then in another blip of a dream was at some party. I didn't fit in or want to. There were people all dressed for attention and shock value. Then these girls started making out together, but you could tell it was all just for show and attention. I was trying to leave or find a way out. Then I was sitting on the floor w/ some of the people that were talking.. and one girl takes some scissors out and cuts my fishnets (guess I was dressed up too). I said "HEY!" getting her to stop and said I've had these for years, they are DKNY (???) and how dare she try and hurt someone else's things and why would she do it... She was a short haired, bleach blond little person, lots of makeup... anyhoo. then she asked where I got them... I said Nordstroms, then realized I shouldn't try and sound posh, so I said.. the Rack... and they were all ok with that .. strange.

:-s

Day 30 - Lots of dreams

Ok.... lots of linked dreams that are slowly disolving

Boss out of town, me checking her messages for her, Angelina Jolie had called saying she wasn't happy w/ the adoption service... Two guys in the office.. one guy looked like a guy that had a crush on me from 6th grade to my senior year. The other guy was nice??

Another part of a dream with a really big shark in it... wanted to tell someone who was in the water about it but couldn't get to him... but it wasn't like it was a panic feeling more like, hey... you are late for a meeting silly.. type of feeling...

Another part had some lady w/ short hair...??

boy I'm forgetting things

some really simple insights that were so simple I thought.. oh .. I'll remember those later...

hmmm
crud

ok... what a weekend

Started Friday w/ a Tango concert which I thought was going to be part music part dance performance. Turned out to be alllllll tango music w/ a tango opera. Could have passed on the tango opera but the rest was pretty good.

Then I went w/ my friend Melissa to Higgins (local restaurant/bar)... ran into my exbf's parents (hid behind melissa most of the time) ... and we split a chocolate cake in olive oil drissle w/ olive jam... crazy sounding, but good.

oh... and I've not had my car now since last Tuesday (was supposed to go to nyc, but cancelled to save vacation days for a visitor in March/April - which now might also be cancelled)... so I put my car in the shop. It has been really nice going car free. I've been fortunate to have no rain though, so I'm sure when that comes, it won't be as fun to be bop around the city by foot and transit. It has been ok so far besides the riding home after the Tango thing. A guy sat behind me and kept pulling on my hair... grrrrr. But I did forget how much I like to go on long walks, very nice.

Went to a wedding Saturday night. Was very nice and not such a production as most (thank god). Was small and wonderful. Although I wish I had someone that I cared about there. Usually it is fun to be single at events like that but when you care about someone, it can feel a little empty.

Sunday was a zombie for a bit (champagne at the wedding)... then went for a nice cold brisk walk outside around the river. Saved the day.

Was hit on at the wedding by some??? well.. a nice enough guy but sheesh ... couldn't stop bragging about how much money he makes, his italian suits etc. and so on.. What a waste of a human life... hopefully he breaks out of it someday.

Oh! and on a anti my goals - note... I bought a headboard!!!!! Soooo excited. I haven't had a headboard since I was a kid. Just something about it that feels secure (besides not losing your pillows between the bed and wall from the hollywood bed frame rolling around). Also bought a chair for the livingroom. :-s I need to eat ramen now for the next few months.

2007 - Day 26 - dreams - empty brain stuff

ok.. dream about my dog I think?? my brother made these cartoon looking dogs, kind of big and would sit them outside and some old lady walked by and talked to it. Then I went out side and my dog (that I used to have) sophie ran up to me.. In my dream she was someone else's. She turned on her back and let me pet her belly and that was it.

-

ok.. mind dump

stressed

not sure which way to go next...

what is on my mind

card idea... have had it a while... brother sent me link of someone doing something similar, but not as good and not w/ the intended feelgood purpose.. do I do it? hmm

seniors getting shoved off to retirement homes/centers/small communities instead of being part of communities, we are losing history, learning, sharing, etc.. just doesn't feel right, how to fix...

design job.. wanted to do design (clothing) all my life... but then it felt not involved enough... like it is superficial.. found a job in w/ a company I like a lot that I qualify for even though I haven't been in the design world... will apply for.. but not sure it is right for me anymore...

anyone else reading this thinking this gal really thinks too much and maybe should just work.. eh? ;)

going to a wedding tomorrow night should be fun

found a headboard on sale... don't "have" to have it... but have always wanted one (haven't since I left home).. and it is on sale... :) and matches... like a GOOD sale.. hmmmm

can pay off car this week... would be smarter to put money on running crcardbill.. but I will always carry a balance on it.. so maybe just get rid of car debt.

ummm.... need to finish this book I've been reading for too long ;) good book.
but have more coming and don't want to get too behind and have guilt books looming over me ;)

arlighty...

someone just came by to say hi and I know he will cheer me up...

end of blog for today ;)

Day 25 - dreams - bridal shower

Day 24 dream
umm should have written this down yesterday...??
something in a house, my mother and father (who have been divorced since I was born) had been in a fight of sorts .. mom pushed his buttons and he had had it... ??

another part trying on clothes in a dept. store, but the dressing room shutter blinds wouldn't stay shut, nor would the door and there was a line of ladies right outside the door, then I looked for some solution and I went through another door w/ some other women. Some sales ladies walked in and moved some walls around and it turned into this beautiful room with dark wood collumns etc...

all I can recall a the moment

Day 25 dream
First I was dating some guy.. seemed to have it going on, but something seemed false. Like he was standing on not so steady ground. We were staying at some resort, fancy hotel, golfing, water, etc. He was leaving or? but some how I "broke-up" with him either by not going with him or leaving him. I was walking the resort grounds and ran into his friends (man & wife) and they told me it was a good thing I didn't go with him, he was an alcoholic and full of "it."
Then I'm walking with my dad and step mom and they want me to see this water feature at the resort. I guess it is amazing (mind you we've been walking through water tunnels etc. seeing neat underwater features). For this feature you either have to hold your breath under a tunnel while swimming for a long ways or scuba (I'm not licensed)... so I passed.

Later dream - I was with a robot. It was a guy robot (had a man's voice/personality), all silver, basic human shape and lips that moved. It was acting more human than robot which kind of scared me so I pushed a button to turn it off. It shut down and then came back on 2 seconds later. I did it again.. same thing happened.. Then it talked to me and gave me the idea it liked me and it wanted a kiss. I'm thinking.. ok, what is the harm, it is metal, it will just be quick, etc... so then it kisses me and somehow can kiss good (who woulda thunk). and I pull back and am in shock. Then I close my eyes and open them and there is this huge blubbery guy in front of me... like.. man breasts, massive belly w/ no shape as to wear the waist line would have been. He had a full shirt tattoo that was brightly colored with green leaves and red flowers and petals and vines. It was 3D in a way in that the leaf would poke out on the edges like he had things inserted under his skin for the effect. :-s Then he started telling me that he had lost a lot of weight and he showed me a picture of his sister (who was a large girl, but w/ some shape). He said on the island they get treated better than at home (I'm assuming the u.s.). He said the island natives are generally large, so he doesn't feel so out of place here...
Then I woke up.

_____

Ok.... wedding shower last night for the fastest planned wedding. Was done in 2 weeks (flowers, decor, etc. still not done). I had purchased these beautiful glasses years back, just two. They were quite spendy, so my excuse was that if I ever got married, they would be our toasting glasses. Well, after one of my many move, the movers killed that idea and broke one. Sooooooo ... bride to be says .. "we are not going to do a unity candle, but someone told us the idea of pouring two glasses of wine into one and then drinking from the same glass... we just need to find a glass. Ta Da!!!! Anyhoo.. I'm glad it can be used for its somewhat original purpose. :)

2007 - day 23 - dream and stuff

Ok.. had some mixed up dreams...

There was about three that sort of linked together. In each of them, I was in or near buildings that were all natural wood color.. not fresh light pine, but dark wood, like one was inside a barn, another inside a house or?? and another I was at some school grounds and the buildings were all made of dark wood/stone/brick and lots of trees around and warm cloudy days.

The barn one I was looking at this barn that my dad and step mom were in. it had high ceilings, good light, unfinished etc. I told them if they ever wanted to sell it, to let me know because I would love it. She was hanging up fancy dresses, not sure what my dad was doing.

Another I was in this house or ?? buidling.. again unfinished wood inside. There was an older man there I think our teacher of sorts. Other people were there like three others and I'm not sure who they were. He had some treats on the counter.. fruit tarts, and.. old fashioned types of treats. He was teaching us something with a compass I think?? we were near water. Not sure

The last I was on some old campus grounds... the grounds's trails were hard dirt between grass and leaves. Lots of old trees, little buildings here and there. We were suposed to go on some trip on a bus and go buy or register for the tickets at the campus church.. which was this very old church. It all had a cozy feel, very nice. A guy I went to school with (like Jr. High through High School) was in my dream. He was one of those quiet guys, really nice, smart etc.. got lost in the social shuffle of popularity and nonpopularity. Anyhoo, I had a crush on him when I was about 12. So in my dream he walks up to me to see if I'm going to go buy my ticket. Kind of a checking in to see if we both are on track. It was a nice cozy feeling. The innoccent kind of just having a nice friend around.

:)

Ok.. back to reality of noncozy. I peeked at jobs and saw the lists occupations I'm perfect for (experience-wise) and it made me nauseous. I don't want to stay in what I'm doing. I don't think I have enough motivation left in me to fake it anymore.

Soooo... hmmmm

2007 - day 20 - dream

Was in community kitchen…. Supposed to go back to room
They wanted me to throw a foam thing across into the main dining room (like a restaurant)
I’m staying at some boarding place. I’m new
They are nice and I am comfortable for the most part. I know I normally wouldn’t be w/out my privacy but some things like having meals cooked and people to say hello to is nice.
At one point I’m looking for a little black girl who I’m responsible for or is mine.. I ask someone behind a kiosk in another area.. asking if she has seen a mouse around dressed like mini… I find her.. I sit her down and tell her I have found her some lunch (my lunch that I didn't eat)… a burrito or a wrap of some sort and I wrap it in tissue and netting so she can hold it w/out it spilling everywhere.

- - - - -- - -
The sun looks super pretty this morning... reminds me of something, not sure what. Well.. the blue sky w/ the clouds. I'll have to get out of the house today. My shoulder is out so can barely move it, right side. Hmmm

Maybe a good day for a walk on Alberta, check out the new shops etc. I need to get away and figure out what to do next. I've got 6 months to plan and maybe figure something out... :-s

2007 - Day 15

ok.. I'll insert a dream I had then continue

I was in jail.. each inmate had one bag of posessions... one guy had a duffle of clothes, car keys etc. I was rooming w/ the blond guy from "thank you for not smoking." My mom came to visit and she mentioned that I should be watching my weight. In the dream she was pretty heavy herself and 6' tall (in reality she is 5'2"). Jail was comfortable, not like nice... but emotionally comfortable and I was seeing my cell mate who was quite a sweety.

Another part of the dream.. Allen (a guy that was a neighbor of a good friend of mine over a year ago, who I had a crush on pre-meeting, then found he was into renaissance fairs and 24/7 video gaming). He wanted to sell organic dog food, no fillers, made from real food etc. He was trying to raise money for it. I think I had to write several papers then I said that I would help him
ralley at dog parks to tell people about it to see if they were excited... they were.

____

Ok, on with day 15. It is Monday, after a semi-3-day weekend. I was told at 8:50 a.m. on day 12 that I was getting RIF'd (reduction in force). I would have done the same, I barely had enough to keep me busy. So I have 6 months to find something else (not bad really). I spent day 12-14 not thinking about it. I just let myself enjoy not stressing about what my boss might put on my plate when I was going to tell her (pre-rif-ing) that I needed more to do.

So that is it for now. Mind is open.. not sure what I'll do next... ;) First a trip to NYC that was already planned...

2007 day 5... dream... hiding, leaking burning house

ok.. so last night's dream

was in a bathroom stall.. cowering.. I had it locked.. feet up on the seat... clasping my purse.. someone was knocking at the door.. It was as if I just became conscious. Like I was drunk and out of it and now just realized where I was but not sure why. I then had a flash back of someone trying to get to me, me running to my car trying to get safe in time... then it not working and running to some public restroom and locking the outside door as well as the stall. When I came out of the restroom the man was there. He had broken into my car searching for something ... I ran.. ended up at some house. I'm not remembering much about this part. I know there were other people there, a female who owned the house.. it was "creative" in its decor... lots of missing walls, ceilings dripping.. etc.. the man was still after me/us (there was a guy there too, another - keep me safe - kind of guy) we set the house on fire so that some ? evidence wouldn't be there and so we could run out.. and tell the insurance adjuster... who just happened to be there as well... nice lady.

___

Still can't seem to wake up in the morning. I even came home last night and went straight to cleaning up my place (usually if my place is a mess, I don't want to "be" there so don't get up all perky). House feels better. but something still doesn't feel right. It is a .. need to break away from old habits, patterns, things, .. feel.. and move on to other things.. But maybe like getting rid of a tooth that is just hanging by a string.. you know you don't want it there.. but it hurts to pull it.

2007 - Day 4 - dream

Dream from last night...
Was on some sort of race, but through a town/village. A running race, in street clothes, had a purse over my shoulder, etc. I know I was ahead for the most part and doing well. At one point I stopped (can't remember why) and was slowed a bit.. I needed shoes or?? something. This young fella, blondish with a beard (kind of bohemian, NW outdoorsy) was helping me with supplies. He was very kind, looked down at me and said: "you know I'm am here for you anytime you need something." Was a nice feeling for a sec... then I went off running again and realized I took the wrong route that would set me back a bit and put me on the other side of a river from the race. I ran and hopped on this small wooden ferry and just made it. There were three blond women on there who were saying things to me that were very rude/hurtful etc. The seemed like rich girls, covered in nice clothes, blond streaks, machine tanned, eyeliner and bleached teeth. They were so mean and I felt they were going to create some sort of small hell for me so as I ran by, I pushed two of them in the river :-s and then ran past the next one.. then I woke up. I know there was more to it, but can't remember at the moment.

___

I need to get myself sorted. I have been ping ponging, which usually means there is something I'm not taking care of. Car is working, taking care of health (exercise, nutrition, etc.), everything is done at work so I'm thinking it must be a planning thing, what do I do next with my life.. what do I want.. and so on.

Also.. part of me feels like getting rid of the old to make room for the new. IE... I have lots of "things" that have memories to them.. do I keep them? Sometimes I think I'd feel so free if I didn't have all that. Sometimes I feel like it is proof that I have been here or a representative of my life so far. Hmm not sure. Getting rid of this stuff isn't like cutting your hair ... the stuff won't grow back. I need a time capsule company that will hold all my items like that... just in case I ever get married, have kids, grandkids ... and they want to know about grandma. Maybe write a secret novel as well.. that they can only read after I'm gone. ;)

ok.. back to work I suppose...

Oh! signed up for a tap class - starts next week - updates on that later
and a speed reading class... was bored
and at some point can update on the trip to UK . I can't call it a vacation. It was a "trip" .... head trip, travel trip, etc.

2007 ... day 3

Day 3... got up at 4 a.m. , went back to bed, got up again.. had some strange dreams

first one - started w/ being at someone's house. lot of adult women, strong personalities. A little girl was there ... playing.. I was her sometimes, not her sometimes... a cat got caught in a tree but was wrapped up in spider webs/moth cocoon webs... no one wanted to get past all the gunk to save it..felt bad for it but that is it at one point. One of the adult woman was looking for a sock? or wrist band or something the little girl lost.. was looking for it and kind of expected me to have answers for her of its where abouts.. I looked for it too.. it was more to get the woman on her way and away from me and somewhat for recognition/approval. Found the wrist band and gave it to the woman.. no response/approval etc. Then the cat was the little girl... so she was stuck up in the web muck and couldn’t get out.. they interchanged a lot (cat to girl to cat).. but then something bad was coming for the cat.. like a tree alligator (remember, this is a dream) and the cat fought itself out.
Then a continued dream.. I was talking to this guy (who actually works in my building, never have spoken to him before or anything.. so not sure why he is in my dream). There were nice feelings there... we liked each other. He took me for a drive to go get something and I saw two guys I went to high school with (also guys I never had a class with or knew or spoke to)... they were in jeans, cowboy hats, moving hay stacks. They looked at us and said.. well look at the two (insert home town here)ians... . Felt sort of embarrassed like we had never left our hometown..
Then I was in a house.. my mom was trying to take me to some doctor... something was wrong with me.. or so she thought... he would say.. well you are feeling this way so we should do "abc" and I said.. no.. I'm not feeling that way. Doctor : "When you worked at Jones Farm didn't..." Me: "I never worked at Jones Farm." He was like some mental/experimental ?? something doc. He was trying to corner me into saying something that would allow him to either do something to me.. or give me drugs.. either of which would incapacitate me. He picked up a moth and placed it on the door jam which I was walking through (it was some sort of magical way of making me stop).. Didn't work, I didn't believe in his magic I guess. So that was that.. I remember some other female in the dream that was nice though.. kind of a feminine, nurturing type of person with long hair and a floral dress.
____
so... besides that.. sitting at work with not much to do.
____
2007 day 2
Umm was bored at work with not much to do, so I signed up for a speed reading class and a tap dancing class. Went to 2 aerobics classes and was kind of low energy.
____
2007 day 1
Was a good day. Went to a morning aerobics class that was hilarious. There was a short pigtailed redhead leading the class with a booming low voice and she parntered with a very tall, larger brunette with a bit of a lisp. They were sooo funny and what a great way to wake up.
Went shopping later, went to a fun grocery store and bought some fun juice (acai w/ cacao) and ostrich burger.
I rearranged my place - may have finally found "the" spot for my couch. Did some sketching.. which I might paint later. Watched a movie "Friends with Money." And read a bit.
____
2006 Last day
Hmmm went for a drink w/ a friend... was FREEZING outside. Went home, watched DaVinci Code... in bed before midnight. Was actually just right.

The school of House Guest

the house guest

Although he was quite a handful and lots of drama... I did learn a lot from this experience. Not just to not take in a random stranger who is down on his luck... but I learned things from observing him... and traits that I was critical of him on I could see in myself in a milder sense... but they were still there.... pot/kettle/black (pkb)...

Some great things about him ... he is a fun loving person.. not meaning his drinking and partying. He is a very enthusiastic person, wants to share experiences, his enthusiasm, his excitment. He knows how to just have fun, be goofy and let go (something I could use improvement on).

He also has a good heart... just does't always use it.

He is a smart guy... if he would just put a little effort into himself, his life.. he could really do something... but he doesn't.. He is into the instant gratification bit. This is where I learned something about myself. I may do ok for myself at a level I have considered "comfortable"... but ... I'm am smart and talented ... if I pushed myself more.. and didn't settle for just comfortable, I might be able to do something more with my life as well. pkb

dreams, dear-ness and drama

dream
ok... night before last I had another naked dream. what is up w/ that?
I was in another nice home (architecturally) w/ lots of bare wood, windows, high peaks, vaulted ceilings etc... in the woods or something and there was another home just up a hill from me that could basically look right in to mine. People came over for a dinner or something, all nude again, and my exbf (in the dream) lived up in the other house and was watching. :-s

dear-ness
We have some mentally challenged folks that work in my building. They work in the basement (they stuff envelopes next to the mailroom... we don't keep them in the basement under lock and key or anything). On my way to lunch, a couple of the guys and a girl were on the elevator w/ me yesterday. The one fella (late thirtiesish) said to the other.. "you know Tom....? you are my bessst friend." The other one replied... "I know.. you are mine too... I thought about you yesterday." It was the sweetest thing. I was all warm and fuzzy inside all of lunch. Just being open and nice... no ego, no fear .. anyhoo.. was sweet.

drama
alcohol... mixed with house guest... such bad news. I'm moving him out today at lunch. He got very?? well.. yelling, fighting (verbally) and then physical. I kept feeling like I was just watching a movie, like "I can't be part of this.. this isn't real right?" I should have put my foot down a while ago.. but I have zero tolerance for the physical bit. Soooo.. :) will have my place back this weekend. :)... get my rugs Tuesday, get my life back before my trip. :)

All-in-all... a good experience really.. seeing how someone can blame their circumstances... and never get past it.. not see what they do have... and just throw it away day by day... Good lesson.

Quit ur bi$%#*'n

Ok... I think I have used up my license to bitch on here.. and frankly it is getting me down. Let alone that is not the only thing that is going on in my head...

Last night (and this is going to sound like bitching.. but just listen)... the "guest" came home after drinking 5 drinks (10 shots). Then continued to drink about 10 more shots. I decided to just let go and watch. I don't know if you have ever drank before to where you do something stupid, get the blues .. or some other negative thing happens that makes you say.. "never again, I'm not touching alcohol." Well, I have, but it usually comes from feelings of guilt, embarrassment, etc. and when you do go to that next event and choose not to drink.. there (at least for me) have been times where there is some remorse, feelings of being left out, boredom and maybe even a dash of self pity for not being able (even though it was my choice) to join in on the "fun."

Last night I wasn't part of the drinking.. I was just an observer. He wanted to keep drinking so I just watched.. had to do a little babysitting here and there (drunk loud person, quiet neighbors, new white couch), but otherwise I just watched. I have never felt so good as I did last night about not drinking. He was so... out of it, emotional, smelly, animalistic in his behaviors (bodily functions, movements, etc.)... it actually made my stomach turn. It was really sad and sickening to watch. I was looking at a person who has/had potential.. and was throwing it away shot by shot. An amazingly good looking guy who was anything but attractive. Anyhoo.. that was the glass half full version of having the house guest.

- - - - - -
Last night's dream ( I need to start writing these again so I remember them):

We (friends curtis, emily, lil, sean, ken) were all at some ??? retreat/library/?? some building w/ different rooms, books, nice architecture etc... lots of windows, wood, corridors w/ trees. My mom was there for some reason but for work... She just popped in the dream at the beginning and was gone. Then I was in a room w/ red couches, cushions (all warm colors) etc.. and wood walls and Ken came over because he wanted to see this cartoon dragon video game. He thought the dragons were cute and they made him laugh. Then I went to where the rest of them were.... and they were kind of having a ?? cocktail party - old school, mod hanging lamps, shag carpet, abstract art on the paneled walls, emily was picking out records to listen to and everyone was nude... but it was "normal" in the dream (as in no gasping or covering of the body parts going on). Anyhoo... not sure what it all meant, but a cozy dream all-n-all. It was nice "seeing" them all again. ;)

He is moving!!!!

Wow do I feel better. I actually was concerned about him being homeless. Yahoo!
Happy dance city!!! :D

20 days

20 days until house "guest" leaves
20 days until I leave for UK

I've learned some more stuff re: ... "helping" people...
some things I knew.. but maybe didn't practice all of the time, like...
* if you give... expect nothing in return... not appreciation, respect, nothing... or you will be frustrated.
* only give what you really know you can handle giving... or again... you will be frustrated
* if you give... do not expect change... do not expect the help to have "worked," do not expect it to really "help" ... or .. you get it. ;)

and a biggie.. don't give to someone who is a slacker/feels the world owes them ... mind you, you will not always know this ahead of time, but try and figure that out if at all possible. ;)

And just because you may see some good in someone ... doesn't mean that they will be.

Oy...oy oy

So if I can get through the next 20 days w/out having a heart attack.. I will be a happy camper.

This trip hopefully will be a breather of sorts, although I'll be running all over the place... we'll see. I think I'll only get a couple of 1/2 days solo. I really need some time to myself, but hopefully I will get that when I get back... and if I can successfully avoid the "guest"... then I can breath easy. Then off to my next adventure.. whatever that is.

Ok.. I get it...

I think the universe is throwing me all its got to teach me a lesson.

Lesson being... don't bend over backwards for people... there is never a need to do that. We are all adults... can take care of ourselves and can be responsible. I wouldn't ask anyone to bend over backwards for me... and if they did.. I surely would be greatful, respectful and find a way to thank them that they would appreciate.

I have had the double whammy of helping out my ex-roommate.. to where he wanted even more.. and criticized the help he did get.

And the neighbor who I am helping only because of the foibles my exroommate created.. and now he is whining.

I want my life back. He is a bull in a china cabinet. My life happens to be the china cabinet right now. He spends all his money on cigarettes and having a "good time" ... hasn't started looking for another place to live... doesn't even have money for food etc.. oy oy oy. Helping that kind of person isnt' helping him. Just prolongs his behavior which will probably never change. He is the grasshopper in aesop's fable. :-s... ok.. I need to work.