Ok... couple crazy dreams..
***
Had a dream I was at Longbeach (but it was more of a cove with mountains on one side). I was sitting on the beach enjoying it with my brother and some friends and it was starting to get dusk. Then we saw one bolt of lightening that hit behind the mountains. We all thought it was cool and were looking for more, when we saw 3 lights from that same area shoot off in different directions. My brother thought it was space ships. Then we looked again and actually saw a craft of some sort. We started walking quickly towards town to get to our car or something to get a better look, and we ran into an old man that told us that the reason the government wasn't so strict with us about recycling, was because they were selling our garbage to the aliens. The aliens lived on a planet that didn't have natural resources (metals, minerals, etc.), so they would take ours. Which would be all fine and dandy, but for the fact we would at one point use up all of our natural resources and need to use these dump sites as places to mine for resources in the future. They took the old man away (they new what he was telling us). and then they took me on a hover craft mainly to scare me into being quiet. These were humans working for the aliens. They were dressed in suits with helmets. The one behind me took her helmet off and it was Madonna. ;) She was making wise-cracks etc. They took me up behind the mountain and there was a facility and workers etc. One woman was talking to herself and said.. I have Fish ***?? something.. like disorder or whatever. And what would happen is after you worked with their equipement/ the garbage/etc. a condition would happen where from about mid-thigh down the legs would get thinner and kind of bind together and then from mid-thigh up the body would retain lots of water and not old its shape, so it would be large and fatty. She was happy about this though, because it meant she could quit working..
weird
***
Next dream...
I was driving with my brother's roommate and we saw some cops taking people and hitting them etc. But they were not "good" cops (duh). They were a Mexican mafia of sorts and their enemies were black people and white people. They took me hostage with some black and white guys and they were possibly going to kill us a the end. We were in someone's house and they had little kids around etc. I was the only girl so they had me helping with their children. I woke up before everyone one morning and went outside. I could have made a run for it, but I was more likely going to get caught... felt that way. A neighbor saw me, a black man and I wanted to yell for help, but I could tell by his face he knew what was going on, and he knew it was best to be quiet. So I went back in the house. Later they let me go to a university (I think I was a professor there and I needed to be seen so they didn't suspect anything). But they were watching me. I saw the neighbor guy and nodded to him. I needed to know where it is that the house was and so I knew better how to get away next time, or to alert the police. We met in a classroom but had to separate quickly. Some woman posing as a student was following me. Anyhoo.. was interesting having the whites and black be minorities together.
***
Then I had a mini dream after where I was at a bbq, having some beers, I had bf of sorts and he kissed me on the shoulder and it was really nice.
***
Then I woke up to the Beatles song "Carry That Weight." I looked up the lyrics this morning (a lot of times lyrics have some connection on what is going on in my life at that moment). They lyrics didn't mean much, so I looked up the "meaning" of the lyrics. And found this:
"(this is part of a medley on Abbey Road) the I never give you..... couplets are about getting very close to a relationship with someone where there is a mutual feeling, but never managing to actually take the last step. the carry that weight bit is about having to deal with difficult things that dont go away quickly, but the idea of carrying them..."
"This is about how one feels toward having a second lover in their life when they already love someone. Having a second lover is a lot of weight and all the lyics follow how someone may feel about a that "side" woman... "
And now for the background... I have been showing my brother's roomie around and hanging out with h im for about 5 months. We hit it off immediatly as friends. It was kind of strange. Nothing romantic, but sometimes here and there.. maybe standing closer than normal for a lingering moment and so on... Key issue. He has a girlfriend. I have met her. My brother thinks they seem like an unhappy old couple. No arguing, but no talking either. But that isn't for me to think about, and either is he really. He leaves in a week... so.. anyhoo.. appropriate song.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
dream of the night
started off with ?? dinner with a friend I used to work with. He is married and he was making moves on me which I didn't care for... So I moved to another table politely and acted as though I was falling asleep. He bought me a glass of wine before he left and I pretended to enjoy it. Icky feeling...
Then still in the restaurant, now house, it was my exbf's or his brother's or...? I was walking around and his brother's gf was there... I told her I was just there to drop something off or something like that... again, an uncomfortable feeling, like I was doing something I shouldn't be or some place I shouldn't be...
Then a blond, made-up gal comes in, and has a "I'm a snob" air about her... . She says "I'll give you solar?? sessions if you would buy this house." More of a "do me a favor dear... but I don't really mean it, because I know you won't buy it." She must have just come from some solar thing because she had these huge goggles on and was sweating a little around the forehead. The house at this point was a friend of mine's and his partner's and they were selling it. It still had some of their furniture in it here and there. It was a huge single story, multi level, lots of windows, modern-esque... lots of angles here and there to feel like the outside was inside... nice, but also foreboding, creepy, ... had an odd feel, like it was too much to handle, was nice and what everyone might want.. so you felt the urge to buy, but it wasn't what I wanted. I think the two sides of me were confused about that and why I felt what I felt etc.
Then my friend's dog was trying to get my attention so I would go somewhere.. it pulled me to an outside spot where there was a pond with kind of eerie frogs and lizards... no movement in the water and then I saw a baby chick and I took it out of the water. Then I woke up.
but I woke up to a voice in my ear saying "comment by atkins."
All left me with a creepy feeling this morning.
I kind of feel like it is a review of some of my life though. :-s Being, doing, having things that are not me just because it is the thing to do. Hard to break out sometimes to see what is you. Hmm...
_____
At work. Not motivated. Need to be.
Have an awards show to go to in LA. Got a dress this weekend etc. Not really looking all that forward to it.
My brother's roommate is going back to germany soon. Not looking forward to that either. We have a really good time, can read each other well. Was nice having him around.
ok... time to work.
Then still in the restaurant, now house, it was my exbf's or his brother's or...? I was walking around and his brother's gf was there... I told her I was just there to drop something off or something like that... again, an uncomfortable feeling, like I was doing something I shouldn't be or some place I shouldn't be...
Then a blond, made-up gal comes in, and has a "I'm a snob" air about her... . She says "I'll give you solar?? sessions if you would buy this house." More of a "do me a favor dear... but I don't really mean it, because I know you won't buy it." She must have just come from some solar thing because she had these huge goggles on and was sweating a little around the forehead. The house at this point was a friend of mine's and his partner's and they were selling it. It still had some of their furniture in it here and there. It was a huge single story, multi level, lots of windows, modern-esque... lots of angles here and there to feel like the outside was inside... nice, but also foreboding, creepy, ... had an odd feel, like it was too much to handle, was nice and what everyone might want.. so you felt the urge to buy, but it wasn't what I wanted. I think the two sides of me were confused about that and why I felt what I felt etc.
Then my friend's dog was trying to get my attention so I would go somewhere.. it pulled me to an outside spot where there was a pond with kind of eerie frogs and lizards... no movement in the water and then I saw a baby chick and I took it out of the water. Then I woke up.
but I woke up to a voice in my ear saying "comment by atkins."
All left me with a creepy feeling this morning.
I kind of feel like it is a review of some of my life though. :-s Being, doing, having things that are not me just because it is the thing to do. Hard to break out sometimes to see what is you. Hmm...
_____
At work. Not motivated. Need to be.
Have an awards show to go to in LA. Got a dress this weekend etc. Not really looking all that forward to it.
My brother's roommate is going back to germany soon. Not looking forward to that either. We have a really good time, can read each other well. Was nice having him around.
ok... time to work.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
cactus roses
ok.. not sure I spelled that right.. and don't care too much at the moment
have been busy busy lately... I got an extension on my job. That PM that sucked on the previous post? Well, she got canned and they gave me the project. :) Also there have been hints of creating a job "like what I'm doing"... and/or being the dept. manager. Nice for the ego, but not sure i want it.
I have done a handful of informational interviews and learned yet another thing about myself... I like project work, but short projects, and more of the concept end than anything. Not a big fan of being a task master. It is ok when everyone is as efficient, cares about getting things done, etc. as you, but when they are not, it just stresses me out. I don't know if I want that on a regular basis. Makes me feel better each time I learn something ... as well as realize that .. hmm if it stresses you out.. maybe you don't like that ?? Crazy how the mind works and well... more like how you have trained your mind to work. I'm sure it was helpful to talk myself into things at one point in my life but it sure was a mind $#@* for later when I can't even read simple signs.
anyhoo... had several dreams... one about me writing. I tell myself daily that I hate to write, but I think I just hate to write about things I don't care about. So anyway, I wrote this ?? piece, guess it was amazing and got a lot of attention.. mentioned something about a ? yellow rose?? and so people from all over the world were sending me these cactus plants that had
yellow roses. My director was there and she said she had taken all the letters that came w/ the plants and had them filed. I wanted to see them, but they "owned" them now or something.
Her office was covered in shelves of Italian pottery and boxes of pasta. Strange.
Let see.. had another that involved traveling.. like was on a train, then a ship etc.. but wasn't sure where exactly I was supposed to go or if I was on the right train. (ok, that isn't a hard one to interpret). But met people on the way and it was nice and adventurous.
I'm at hurry up and wait again at work.
*sigh*
have been busy busy lately... I got an extension on my job. That PM that sucked on the previous post? Well, she got canned and they gave me the project. :) Also there have been hints of creating a job "like what I'm doing"... and/or being the dept. manager. Nice for the ego, but not sure i want it.
I have done a handful of informational interviews and learned yet another thing about myself... I like project work, but short projects, and more of the concept end than anything. Not a big fan of being a task master. It is ok when everyone is as efficient, cares about getting things done, etc. as you, but when they are not, it just stresses me out. I don't know if I want that on a regular basis. Makes me feel better each time I learn something ... as well as realize that .. hmm if it stresses you out.. maybe you don't like that ?? Crazy how the mind works and well... more like how you have trained your mind to work. I'm sure it was helpful to talk myself into things at one point in my life but it sure was a mind $#@* for later when I can't even read simple signs.
anyhoo... had several dreams... one about me writing. I tell myself daily that I hate to write, but I think I just hate to write about things I don't care about. So anyway, I wrote this ?? piece, guess it was amazing and got a lot of attention.. mentioned something about a ? yellow rose?? and so people from all over the world were sending me these cactus plants that had
yellow roses. My director was there and she said she had taken all the letters that came w/ the plants and had them filed. I wanted to see them, but they "owned" them now or something.Her office was covered in shelves of Italian pottery and boxes of pasta. Strange.
Let see.. had another that involved traveling.. like was on a train, then a ship etc.. but wasn't sure where exactly I was supposed to go or if I was on the right train. (ok, that isn't a hard one to interpret). But met people on the way and it was nice and adventurous.
I'm at hurry up and wait again at work.
*sigh*
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
getting down to the wire
I have exactly five weeks left of incoming paychecks (not really work, because there isnt' much to do). That consultant has introduced me to some folks, so have been doing that... and tonight I have to have to have to have to rewrite my resume. Which for me for some reason is torture. I need to change that attitude though. It isn't rocket science so I don't know what my problem is.
Ok.. maybe part of it is I'm writing for something I'm not sure I want.. oh well
Oh and this is me procrastinating.
Let's see.... not sure if there is anything else exciting going on. Still meditating. Do about 2 hours total a day (split up). I think I am more patient, tolerant etc. So far it is a good thing and I enjoy it. I kind of feel high afterwards.... not that I would know what that felt like.... ahem.
We had a meeting today. The consultant gal was handing over a project to this new PM that she hired and the poor woman SUCKED! She has all the training/credentials and so on, but training does not a PM make. You either have that mind set or you don't. Which brings me to another grrrrrr topic. PMC (project management certification).... what a joke. I mean.. again, you either know how to project manage, have sought out tools or you don't. The PMI is make a ton of dough on this joke. It is basically a vocabulary book regarding PM and they take something very simple and make it as complicated as possible. PMs w/ the certification I'm sure want to keep it because it gives them a step up and more $$, but really, PMs are smart.. they should say something. It is not like them (at least the good ones) to be sheep. I don't get it.
Ok.. just did some more time wasting.. made some really bad coffee... tossed it cleaned the cup. Now making tea and haven't even openned up my resume. Maybe I'll put on that meditative music and focus. :-s
oh.. one more thing.. had a dream about the german fella (brother's roomie) and his gf. I dreamt that she was my friend and was telling me she was seeing someone else in germany that made her very happy and she wasnt' sure how to tell him. Then I saw him and was excited to see him and we just sat there and hugged. Very bizarre... Seemed very real.
ok... now I'll write.
Ok.. maybe part of it is I'm writing for something I'm not sure I want.. oh well
Oh and this is me procrastinating.
Let's see.... not sure if there is anything else exciting going on. Still meditating. Do about 2 hours total a day (split up). I think I am more patient, tolerant etc. So far it is a good thing and I enjoy it. I kind of feel high afterwards.... not that I would know what that felt like.... ahem.
We had a meeting today. The consultant gal was handing over a project to this new PM that she hired and the poor woman SUCKED! She has all the training/credentials and so on, but training does not a PM make. You either have that mind set or you don't. Which brings me to another grrrrrr topic. PMC (project management certification).... what a joke. I mean.. again, you either know how to project manage, have sought out tools or you don't. The PMI is make a ton of dough on this joke. It is basically a vocabulary book regarding PM and they take something very simple and make it as complicated as possible. PMs w/ the certification I'm sure want to keep it because it gives them a step up and more $$, but really, PMs are smart.. they should say something. It is not like them (at least the good ones) to be sheep. I don't get it.
Ok.. just did some more time wasting.. made some really bad coffee... tossed it cleaned the cup. Now making tea and haven't even openned up my resume. Maybe I'll put on that meditative music and focus. :-s
oh.. one more thing.. had a dream about the german fella (brother's roomie) and his gf. I dreamt that she was my friend and was telling me she was seeing someone else in germany that made her very happy and she wasnt' sure how to tell him. Then I saw him and was excited to see him and we just sat there and hugged. Very bizarre... Seemed very real.
ok... now I'll write.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
levitation
ok.. had a really scary dream this morning. I was in my bed just as I was.. and was on a meditation high of sorts.. and my arms started levitating. At first it was kind of cool.. then I thought... maybe the rest of me could.. so I could feel it in my stomach.. getting lighter and then lifting but then it felt like someone was grabbing my arms.. but I couldn't see.. was so scary. So then I forced myself to "wake-up" in my dream... and I got out of bed and ran to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I went to look in the mirror and I couldn't see my reflection. I was panicked and hit the mirror w/ my hand.. almost trying to make it work and it wouldn't.
Then I looked up again and I could see very dark brown hair (mine is dishwater) and was almost scared to see the face, but then it was mine.
Oy! what a scary dream.
Then that went into being at some function.. trying to find my step mom and dad. They were there.. then my aunt was there w/ her daughter, daughter's husband and kids. My aunt had made them all matching clothes.. fushia and turquoise sating dresses w/ ruffles and lace (:-s) and then matching shirts for the boys and they had lace ruffles a the bottom of their pants. They seemed fine with it. I remember feeling somewhat lost or out of place... then I woke up.
~~~~
And some nice news...
Was in a meeting w/ company biz consultants - they are working on cleaning up a process in our dept. At the end the gal asks me to stay after then says that she doesn't usually do this but she has a good feel for people and she thinks I"m quick, smart etc.. and wants me to work in her dept. and/or somewhere better.. even if it isn't w/ the company. :) Made my day. ;)
Then I looked up again and I could see very dark brown hair (mine is dishwater) and was almost scared to see the face, but then it was mine.
Oy! what a scary dream.
Then that went into being at some function.. trying to find my step mom and dad. They were there.. then my aunt was there w/ her daughter, daughter's husband and kids. My aunt had made them all matching clothes.. fushia and turquoise sating dresses w/ ruffles and lace (:-s) and then matching shirts for the boys and they had lace ruffles a the bottom of their pants. They seemed fine with it. I remember feeling somewhat lost or out of place... then I woke up.
~~~~
And some nice news...
Was in a meeting w/ company biz consultants - they are working on cleaning up a process in our dept. At the end the gal asks me to stay after then says that she doesn't usually do this but she has a good feel for people and she thinks I"m quick, smart etc.. and wants me to work in her dept. and/or somewhere better.. even if it isn't w/ the company. :) Made my day. ;)
Monday, May 07, 2007
Oy...
Ok.. been doing all these great exercises.. can "feel" the difference.. but I think the beers, chocolate etc. every night w/ brother's roommate are not helping the "seeing" the difference part. Will experiment this week w/ no beer (or maybe one light beer).
I'm exhausted.. not due to exercise, not due to lack of sleep.. I think due to speaking English to someone who doesn't know it so well. Oy... didn't realize how much effort it took to speak very simply and/or having to explain lots of vocabulary. Yesterday I think I was tanked out... couldn't even talk. Then last night couldn't sleep so much...
Today I should really try to focus on work. Like real work.. well... I have some things on my plate now that they officemate is gone.. but it was really her deal... her expertise .. not mine... will take me 4 times as long to due since I know nothing on the subject and will have to not only learn it... but then write it ... with not being an expert.. hmmmm..... I guess I don't see it as the best use of my time.. ;) Would rather rewrite my resume and apply for jobs. ;)
OK... either way I guess I better get to something.
Oh.. and been having lots of dreams .. umm ?? "physically romantic" ahem.. dreams.. ok.. not the full deal or anything.. just of lot of innuendo/intent. I usually don't have those dreams.. it is a little disturbing. In love dreams... good... just ?? odd situations .. no so much.
I'm exhausted.. not due to exercise, not due to lack of sleep.. I think due to speaking English to someone who doesn't know it so well. Oy... didn't realize how much effort it took to speak very simply and/or having to explain lots of vocabulary. Yesterday I think I was tanked out... couldn't even talk. Then last night couldn't sleep so much...
Today I should really try to focus on work. Like real work.. well... I have some things on my plate now that they officemate is gone.. but it was really her deal... her expertise .. not mine... will take me 4 times as long to due since I know nothing on the subject and will have to not only learn it... but then write it ... with not being an expert.. hmmmm..... I guess I don't see it as the best use of my time.. ;) Would rather rewrite my resume and apply for jobs. ;)
OK... either way I guess I better get to something.
Oh.. and been having lots of dreams .. umm ?? "physically romantic" ahem.. dreams.. ok.. not the full deal or anything.. just of lot of innuendo/intent. I usually don't have those dreams.. it is a little disturbing. In love dreams... good... just ?? odd situations .. no so much.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Meditation, DVD stuff.. neat neat
Ok.. was doing these exercises from this dvd.. I exercise and jog etc. in general, but these were different and I wanted to check it out. Had to do with kind of moving around your insides, stimulating glands etc. (love trying out new exercises).... So.. after only 11 days.. and 15 mintues a day.. lost 11 inches (measuring calves, thighs, waist, etc.) And on top of that.. haven't lost an ounce. So pretty interesting. I usually bulk up w/ exercises, so this was a nice change.
Now I'm trying the 60 minute workout by the same person... I'll have to report back on that after about 30 days or so. I just measured though again after doing it for 2 days and I have lost a total of 5 inches in my waistline alone. Nice
Also, been reading about brainwaves and meditation and so on and am checking out this meditation cd w/ sounds.. Have only tried it twice so far (not supposed to do more than once a day) and so far it does put me in a pretty good state. I'll give more feedback on that one too in about 30 days. ;)
I've been showing around my brother's roommate lately. (my brother is out of town and his roommate is visiting the U.S. for only 6 months - he is an inturn & German). I find myself coming home and speaking in an accent in my head. ;) Kind ov fun, don't ewe sink?
Now I'm trying the 60 minute workout by the same person... I'll have to report back on that after about 30 days or so. I just measured though again after doing it for 2 days and I have lost a total of 5 inches in my waistline alone. Nice
Also, been reading about brainwaves and meditation and so on and am checking out this meditation cd w/ sounds.. Have only tried it twice so far (not supposed to do more than once a day) and so far it does put me in a pretty good state. I'll give more feedback on that one too in about 30 days. ;)
I've been showing around my brother's roommate lately. (my brother is out of town and his roommate is visiting the U.S. for only 6 months - he is an inturn & German). I find myself coming home and speaking in an accent in my head. ;) Kind ov fun, don't ewe sink?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Rescue Blue
Had a dream I was a spy or something.. or worked w/ some sort of agency. I was in an airplane and we were scouting for where our people were. We were in England or something. Very green, village-y. My dad was supposed to parachute out and I was trying to show him that where he was parachuting was a trap. The people were all dead. He jumped though because he didn't understand what I was saying. So I landed and then was going to get a car or something so I could go rescue him. I was in a house looking for keys or something when one of the bad guys was in there. So I ran out to the neighbors and hid.. The old man there was helping me and helped hide me. I called my dad to tell him he was in a trap and I was coming as soon as I could.
Another dream type thing I was in a store with my boss. We were getting supplies of some sort. Again I was in a foreign country, this time Germany I think. I was shopping around and then ran in to Mariena. My ex-bf's brother's gf. She was with her brother. Before I ran into her the word "blue" came into my head and something told me it was important.. then she came around the corner and she had her hair died black with strips of blue. She was there to get a job in a club. Not sure if she was bartending, singing or what. Then that was the end of it.
Another dream type thing I was in a store with my boss. We were getting supplies of some sort. Again I was in a foreign country, this time Germany I think. I was shopping around and then ran in to Mariena. My ex-bf's brother's gf. She was with her brother. Before I ran into her the word "blue" came into my head and something told me it was important.. then she came around the corner and she had her hair died black with strips of blue. She was there to get a job in a club. Not sure if she was bartending, singing or what. Then that was the end of it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
mind is spinning
been reading some good stuff lately. I can't stop reading... first started reading two books w/ similarities.. that both had activities... then reading another two books that also have activities.
It has kept me awake and focussed at work. ;)
Been doing these actual physical exercises lately too that have changed how my body works?? kinda sounds strange, but I'll give more details as it goes... we'll see what happens. Kind of fun. :)
I'll report back on this stuff when more happens I guess.
Not sure what my dream was last night.. but yesterday woke up to Olivia Newton John's song.. We have to believe we are magic.... followed by kajagoogoo's Too shy... hmmm
It has kept me awake and focussed at work. ;)
Been doing these actual physical exercises lately too that have changed how my body works?? kinda sounds strange, but I'll give more details as it goes... we'll see what happens. Kind of fun. :)
I'll report back on this stuff when more happens I guess.
Not sure what my dream was last night.. but yesterday woke up to Olivia Newton John's song.. We have to believe we are magic.... followed by kajagoogoo's Too shy... hmmm
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
dreams painting and happy
moving paintings around for a painting exhibtion
guy/dad like figure was saying "paint , be creative.. paint down what ever comes up in your mind..."
so at the same time.. he was painting an apple.... and the guy right next to him was painting a very similar picture w/ a diff medium (chalk on suran wrap)..The older guy looked over then crumpled up his apple painting.
then there were parts about this art person.... him visiting - not a good feeling
another blip of a radio saying.. "check to see if he knew her number before.. blah blah blah"
this girl there saying thank you to me for being a good friend
moving around "pin" boards to place the art on
I was organizing... everyone else was painting
-----
separate dream
this older man came up to be and said.. "I see you are having trouble with this idea (the idea being doing things for me), unless you are happy, you never reach full peace... and peace is the energy/vibes that you want to spread, so do what it takes to be happy"
guy/dad like figure was saying "paint , be creative.. paint down what ever comes up in your mind..."
so at the same time.. he was painting an apple.... and the guy right next to him was painting a very similar picture w/ a diff medium (chalk on suran wrap)..The older guy looked over then crumpled up his apple painting.
then there were parts about this art person.... him visiting - not a good feeling
another blip of a radio saying.. "check to see if he knew her number before.. blah blah blah"
this girl there saying thank you to me for being a good friend
moving around "pin" boards to place the art on
I was organizing... everyone else was painting
-----
separate dream
this older man came up to be and said.. "I see you are having trouble with this idea (the idea being doing things for me), unless you are happy, you never reach full peace... and peace is the energy/vibes that you want to spread, so do what it takes to be happy"
Monday, April 16, 2007
trains, planes and zombies...
Ok.. this weekend I had a zombie dream... was with some friends, some people I didn't know.. all staying in a house in a warm place like southern california. Half of the people left because they knew the zombies were coming, and I stayed there with a guy (older, chubby, teddy bear type) and 3 little kids. We locked all the doors and sat there and played card games and kept the kids quiet. The zombies were constantly banging on the front door and this red ooze was coming through it. I went to the kitchen and was about to look out side to see how bad it was and he said "NO, don't look outside whatever you do" as soon as they see you these locks won't hold... etc. They are just mindlessly banging right now.
Then last night I had a dream I was on a train trip with some friends. Terry (this gal that lives near me) was in the back reading (I had just seen her that yesterday reading in the courtyard). She said.. oh.. are n't you supposed to jump off here? Everyone else had gotten off but me. The train started going and she was wearing my shoes.. I was trying to get them back and then it was too late to jump. I ended up getting off in the next town (and it was like we were in northern south america or something). There wasn't much in the next town. I got off and tried to find them. I stopped at a merchant to ask where I could look around, he pointed towards the town which looked pretty picturesque. Didn't mind if I didn't find them. Then this man was trying on shoes, they had the same green pattern on them that mine did.. and I mentioned it... that was about it.. oh... but there was some kid zombie in this one .. just walking down the street... I would just avert my eyes.
Then last night I had a dream I was on a train trip with some friends. Terry (this gal that lives near me) was in the back reading (I had just seen her that yesterday reading in the courtyard). She said.. oh.. are n't you supposed to jump off here? Everyone else had gotten off but me. The train started going and she was wearing my shoes.. I was trying to get them back and then it was too late to jump. I ended up getting off in the next town (and it was like we were in northern south america or something). There wasn't much in the next town. I got off and tried to find them. I stopped at a merchant to ask where I could look around, he pointed towards the town which looked pretty picturesque. Didn't mind if I didn't find them. Then this man was trying on shoes, they had the same green pattern on them that mine did.. and I mentioned it... that was about it.. oh... but there was some kid zombie in this one .. just walking down the street... I would just avert my eyes.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Japanese, Trams, ice skating
Let's see... didn't sleep a whole lot last night but dreamt a lot
I remember one where I was with this japanese kid and his dad. The kid and an icecream and I was trying to show him how to eat it so it wouldn't drip all over. .. He thought it best that we both eat it. Then they were gone and it was getting late and I wasn't sure where to go. I remembered the man saying "if you ever get lost, take tram 4" ... or something like that. So I took tram 4, got off on the platfrom. There were empty benches and one w/ about 4-5 Japanese young guys. I was a little nervous walking by them, but one of them recognized me and told the others to leave me alone (in Japanese, so I guess I just knew he said that).
Next one I was either in school or involved in some sort of club, school, group. We were all just arriving and meeting people and were supposed to find a skating partner. I ended up with some guy. In my dream I was a really good skater.. was really fun. I know there was more to this dream. Can't remember at the moment.
I remember one where I was with this japanese kid and his dad. The kid and an icecream and I was trying to show him how to eat it so it wouldn't drip all over. .. He thought it best that we both eat it. Then they were gone and it was getting late and I wasn't sure where to go. I remembered the man saying "if you ever get lost, take tram 4" ... or something like that. So I took tram 4, got off on the platfrom. There were empty benches and one w/ about 4-5 Japanese young guys. I was a little nervous walking by them, but one of them recognized me and told the others to leave me alone (in Japanese, so I guess I just knew he said that).
Next one I was either in school or involved in some sort of club, school, group. We were all just arriving and meeting people and were supposed to find a skating partner. I ended up with some guy. In my dream I was a really good skater.. was really fun. I know there was more to this dream. Can't remember at the moment.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
New Stuff
Taking a metals ?? class. Spent last night sawing metal and learning about saudering.. fun fun.
Signing up for a class re: metal clay.
Moved to another floor at work.
All crazy makers kind of have disolved out of my life magically.
My friends Annie and Tom had their baby! :D
Friend Penny bought a home.
That is about it for now. ;)
Signing up for a class re: metal clay.
Moved to another floor at work.
All crazy makers kind of have disolved out of my life magically.
My friends Annie and Tom had their baby! :D
Friend Penny bought a home.
That is about it for now. ;)
Friday, March 23, 2007
Ding dong the witch is dead!
Ok.. a looooooooooooooooooong time coming, but my office nemesis is finally gone!!! :D I don't want to dwell on the whole thing, but I learned some valueable lessons from this experience and I'm very happy that I'm free of her.
Lesson 1
If you run into crazy making people, nip it in the bud immediately and strongly.
Lesson 2
Don't think they will ever change.
Lesson 3
Know you are worth sticking up for... over being "nice" and hoping things will change.
and other updates
Career - leaving this one soon :) and off to other adventures :)
Health/balance - doing good ... clicking in place :)
Finances - Debt free!!!!! :)
Life is good!
Monday, February 05, 2007
in trouble
another futuristic dream.... ugh not remembering much.. had it all clear about 6:30 a.m... I really need to get unlazy and write it down when I wake up. ugh
---
I was cleaning out files this weekend.. did taxes.. etc. So I ran into these papers from some workshops I took. Some of the exercises were introspective, what did you enjoy when you were young/etc. and so on... One of the questions was an interesting one... What did you used to get in trouble for?...
I didn't get in trouble a lot because I was an out of sight out of mind kid, but maybe for not getting chores done/room cleaned... and that was due to dancing, making up routines, singing, ... Might be a little late for that as a career. ;)
---
I was cleaning out files this weekend.. did taxes.. etc. So I ran into these papers from some workshops I took. Some of the exercises were introspective, what did you enjoy when you were young/etc. and so on... One of the questions was an interesting one... What did you used to get in trouble for?...
I didn't get in trouble a lot because I was an out of sight out of mind kid, but maybe for not getting chores done/room cleaned... and that was due to dancing, making up routines, singing, ... Might be a little late for that as a career. ;)
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Dream city - iron/beach/etc
1
had a dream the guy I was seeing went shopping for a new ironing board, iron etc.... the iron was $150, the board was around $4k. :-s... He said he wanted quality... but he didn't work and I did. oy.. made me nervous... Similar dream I think I was telling my step mom about it.. we were in some futuristic car (it knew where we were going so we didn't have to drive... or need to see through the windshield. You could have the windshield be a screen.... we were on the internet and I was showing her what he purchased. :-s. Then we arrived at some hospital.. not sure if I worked there or what, but I did have an apt. for a haircut. No one was there to give me one that was supposed to, then one girl sat me reluctantly in a chair to cut my hair... anyhoo.. not sure if she did it or I did, but my hair was cut in a horrible bob. I looked hideous. I was then supposed to go to some formal event and I was lucky and found a great, perfect fitting gown for only $45. The other women there were jealous for how nice I looked, so I tried to play myself down (really bad habit in reality).
2
Was at a Dave Knox's house for some reason. He has a huge home, one story. We were all there watching movies (this group I used to hang out with) and my mom and his mom etc. I fell asleep on the couch thing and I guess everyone headed out for the beach. He said I fell asleep the night before. I needed to go use the rest room and one was busy so I went to the one in his bedroom, but it had spiders in the shower curtain so I ran out. I ended up following them all to the beach with my mom and his. My mom though had half of her hair died dark brown, the other part a golden sort of platinum, and tha third part orange/red, but for some reason this looked really good on her and made her skin look porcelain white. Dave Knox led me to the driveway , which looked like we were going somewhere steep and dangerous, but ended up at the driveway. I looked down at his gravel driveway and there was stuff he dropped, two cork screws, pocket knife w/ a cork screw?? My mom and I were standing in the driveway and she was trying to talk me into that golden platinum color.. :-s
3
Had some dream somewhere in there where I was watching an older tv program... There was this address that had been popular back "then." She was a bit plump, but for some reason, the guys really liked her. She was cute.
I know I had more.. can't remember...
had a dream the guy I was seeing went shopping for a new ironing board, iron etc.... the iron was $150, the board was around $4k. :-s... He said he wanted quality... but he didn't work and I did. oy.. made me nervous... Similar dream I think I was telling my step mom about it.. we were in some futuristic car (it knew where we were going so we didn't have to drive... or need to see through the windshield. You could have the windshield be a screen.... we were on the internet and I was showing her what he purchased. :-s. Then we arrived at some hospital.. not sure if I worked there or what, but I did have an apt. for a haircut. No one was there to give me one that was supposed to, then one girl sat me reluctantly in a chair to cut my hair... anyhoo.. not sure if she did it or I did, but my hair was cut in a horrible bob. I looked hideous. I was then supposed to go to some formal event and I was lucky and found a great, perfect fitting gown for only $45. The other women there were jealous for how nice I looked, so I tried to play myself down (really bad habit in reality).
2
Was at a Dave Knox's house for some reason. He has a huge home, one story. We were all there watching movies (this group I used to hang out with) and my mom and his mom etc. I fell asleep on the couch thing and I guess everyone headed out for the beach. He said I fell asleep the night before. I needed to go use the rest room and one was busy so I went to the one in his bedroom, but it had spiders in the shower curtain so I ran out. I ended up following them all to the beach with my mom and his. My mom though had half of her hair died dark brown, the other part a golden sort of platinum, and tha third part orange/red, but for some reason this looked really good on her and made her skin look porcelain white. Dave Knox led me to the driveway , which looked like we were going somewhere steep and dangerous, but ended up at the driveway. I looked down at his gravel driveway and there was stuff he dropped, two cork screws, pocket knife w/ a cork screw?? My mom and I were standing in the driveway and she was trying to talk me into that golden platinum color.. :-s
3
Had some dream somewhere in there where I was watching an older tv program... There was this address that had been popular back "then." She was a bit plump, but for some reason, the guys really liked her. She was cute.
I know I had more.. can't remember...
Friday, February 02, 2007
2007 - Day 33 - Vampire dreams - post w/ purpose update??
Dreams
Ok, had a dream that Val Kilmer was a vampire and he was after me and everyone.. but he didn't kill you or necessarily take a bite out of your neck.. because that would make you a vampire. He would take the skin off you... nice eh? So I have a boyfriend in the dream... short little guy with dark hair... ;) and we both get our faces ripped off. He is worried about how he looks etc.. and I told him I loved him no matter what, so don't worry. Then he asks me if I am still up for game night w/ our friends.. (kind of jokingly).. and he goes.. it is at our house tonight... so we end up having game night and stuff... strange. It did make me realize how strong love is though... real love. And that it can get past all that.. I knew I loved the person, and wanted to be w/ them and nothing else mattered.
Another dream was that I was ?? going from one house to the one next door, not wearing much... ?? like a towel.. and there were kittens running around... and some older people that lived there that were nice?? and giving me advice?? like kind of like the above.. just follow your heart.. forget about the rest... then my brother and friends were all packed up and ready to walk to the beach.. from portland no less.. at night in the rain. I was getting the rest of the gear.. but still needed to get some clothes and make sure the kittens were all in safe.. then I woke up.
_____
Ok.. I think way long ago I was going to do a post w/ the purpose of documenting some goals.. etc.
1. figure out where I fit better careerwise - ummm :-s not sure how far I have gotten.. know that I'm not a corp. girl or a marketing person... still exploring
2. balanced healthy life style
fitness - joined a boot camp, then aerobics, then hurt my shoulder/car in shop - so walked to work - which ended up being way better for slimming down my legs than bootcamp or aerobics... so need to figure if I should scrap aerobics and just walk
diet - went to natureopath - fixed some stomach issues, know what to eat so I don't have stomach issues, need to work on keeping away from the prob. stuff
mental/emotional health - fine/good??
3. $$ not sure this was on there.. - paid off car, working on the next bit and then finito.. just need to start investing after that
Ok, had a dream that Val Kilmer was a vampire and he was after me and everyone.. but he didn't kill you or necessarily take a bite out of your neck.. because that would make you a vampire. He would take the skin off you... nice eh? So I have a boyfriend in the dream... short little guy with dark hair... ;) and we both get our faces ripped off. He is worried about how he looks etc.. and I told him I loved him no matter what, so don't worry. Then he asks me if I am still up for game night w/ our friends.. (kind of jokingly).. and he goes.. it is at our house tonight... so we end up having game night and stuff... strange. It did make me realize how strong love is though... real love. And that it can get past all that.. I knew I loved the person, and wanted to be w/ them and nothing else mattered.
Another dream was that I was ?? going from one house to the one next door, not wearing much... ?? like a towel.. and there were kittens running around... and some older people that lived there that were nice?? and giving me advice?? like kind of like the above.. just follow your heart.. forget about the rest... then my brother and friends were all packed up and ready to walk to the beach.. from portland no less.. at night in the rain. I was getting the rest of the gear.. but still needed to get some clothes and make sure the kittens were all in safe.. then I woke up.
_____
Ok.. I think way long ago I was going to do a post w/ the purpose of documenting some goals.. etc.
1. figure out where I fit better careerwise - ummm :-s not sure how far I have gotten.. know that I'm not a corp. girl or a marketing person... still exploring
2. balanced healthy life style
fitness - joined a boot camp, then aerobics, then hurt my shoulder/car in shop - so walked to work - which ended up being way better for slimming down my legs than bootcamp or aerobics... so need to figure if I should scrap aerobics and just walk
diet - went to natureopath - fixed some stomach issues, know what to eat so I don't have stomach issues, need to work on keeping away from the prob. stuff
mental/emotional health - fine/good??
3. $$ not sure this was on there.. - paid off car, working on the next bit and then finito.. just need to start investing after that
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Day 31 - more dreams - scissors and fishnets
Ok totally didn't sleep well last night. Not sure if I miss the gentle rolling of my hollywood bedframe or??
Anyhoo... had some strange dreams.. keep dreaming about my home town and people from it which is strange.
I dreamt I was going to some destination there and was late/lost/couldn't find it.. was an anxious feeling. Then in another blip of a dream was at some party. I didn't fit in or want to. There were people all dressed for attention and shock value. Then these girls started making out together, but you could tell it was all just for show and attention. I was trying to leave or find a way out. Then I was sitting on the floor w/ some of the people that were talking.. and one girl takes some scissors out and cuts my fishnets (guess I was dressed up too). I said "HEY!" getting her to stop and said I've had these for years, they are DKNY (???) and how dare she try and hurt someone else's things and why would she do it... She was a short haired, bleach blond little person, lots of makeup... anyhoo. then she asked where I got them... I said Nordstroms, then realized I shouldn't try and sound posh, so I said.. the Rack... and they were all ok with that .. strange.
:-s
Anyhoo... had some strange dreams.. keep dreaming about my home town and people from it which is strange.
I dreamt I was going to some destination there and was late/lost/couldn't find it.. was an anxious feeling. Then in another blip of a dream was at some party. I didn't fit in or want to. There were people all dressed for attention and shock value. Then these girls started making out together, but you could tell it was all just for show and attention. I was trying to leave or find a way out. Then I was sitting on the floor w/ some of the people that were talking.. and one girl takes some scissors out and cuts my fishnets (guess I was dressed up too). I said "HEY!" getting her to stop and said I've had these for years, they are DKNY (???) and how dare she try and hurt someone else's things and why would she do it... She was a short haired, bleach blond little person, lots of makeup... anyhoo. then she asked where I got them... I said Nordstroms, then realized I shouldn't try and sound posh, so I said.. the Rack... and they were all ok with that .. strange.
:-s
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Day 30 - Lots of dreams
Ok.... lots of linked dreams that are slowly disolving
Boss out of town, me checking her messages for her, Angelina Jolie had called saying she wasn't happy w/ the adoption service... Two guys in the office.. one guy looked like a guy that had a crush on me from 6th grade to my senior year. The other guy was nice??
Another part of a dream with a really big shark in it... wanted to tell someone who was in the water about it but couldn't get to him... but it wasn't like it was a panic feeling more like, hey... you are late for a meeting silly.. type of feeling...
Another part had some lady w/ short hair...??
boy I'm forgetting things
some really simple insights that were so simple I thought.. oh .. I'll remember those later...
hmmm
crud
Boss out of town, me checking her messages for her, Angelina Jolie had called saying she wasn't happy w/ the adoption service... Two guys in the office.. one guy looked like a guy that had a crush on me from 6th grade to my senior year. The other guy was nice??
Another part of a dream with a really big shark in it... wanted to tell someone who was in the water about it but couldn't get to him... but it wasn't like it was a panic feeling more like, hey... you are late for a meeting silly.. type of feeling...
Another part had some lady w/ short hair...??
boy I'm forgetting things
some really simple insights that were so simple I thought.. oh .. I'll remember those later...
hmmm
crud
Monday, January 29, 2007
ok... what a weekend
Started Friday w/ a Tango concert which I thought was going to be part music part dance performance. Turned out to be alllllll tango music w/ a tango opera. Could have passed on the tango opera but the rest was pretty good.
Then I went w/ my friend Melissa to Higgins (local restaurant/bar)... ran into my exbf's parents (hid behind melissa most of the time) ... and we split a chocolate cake in olive oil drissle w/ olive jam... crazy sounding, but good.
oh... and I've not had my car now since last Tuesday (was supposed to go to nyc, but cancelled to save vacation days for a visitor in March/April - which now might also be cancelled)... so I put my car in the shop. It has been really nice going car free. I've been fortunate to have no rain though, so I'm sure when that comes, it won't be as fun to be bop around the city by foot and transit. It has been ok so far besides the riding home after the Tango thing. A guy sat behind me and kept pulling on my hair... grrrrr. But I did forget how much I like to go on long walks, very nice.
Went to a wedding Saturday night. Was very nice and not such a production as most (thank god). Was small and wonderful. Although I wish I had someone that I cared about there. Usually it is fun to be single at events like that but when you care about someone, it can feel a little empty.
Sunday was a zombie for a bit (champagne at the wedding)... then went for a nice cold brisk walk outside around the river. Saved the day.
Was hit on at the wedding by some??? well.. a nice enough guy but sheesh ... couldn't stop bragging about how much money he makes, his italian suits etc. and so on.. What a waste of a human life... hopefully he breaks out of it someday.
Oh! and on a anti my goals - note... I bought a headboard!!!!! Soooo excited. I haven't had a headboard since I was a kid. Just something about it that feels secure (besides not losing your pillows between the bed and wall from the hollywood bed frame rolling around). Also bought a chair for the livingroom. :-s I need to eat ramen now for the next few months.
Started Friday w/ a Tango concert which I thought was going to be part music part dance performance. Turned out to be alllllll tango music w/ a tango opera. Could have passed on the tango opera but the rest was pretty good.
Then I went w/ my friend Melissa to Higgins (local restaurant/bar)... ran into my exbf's parents (hid behind melissa most of the time) ... and we split a chocolate cake in olive oil drissle w/ olive jam... crazy sounding, but good.
oh... and I've not had my car now since last Tuesday (was supposed to go to nyc, but cancelled to save vacation days for a visitor in March/April - which now might also be cancelled)... so I put my car in the shop. It has been really nice going car free. I've been fortunate to have no rain though, so I'm sure when that comes, it won't be as fun to be bop around the city by foot and transit. It has been ok so far besides the riding home after the Tango thing. A guy sat behind me and kept pulling on my hair... grrrrr. But I did forget how much I like to go on long walks, very nice.
Went to a wedding Saturday night. Was very nice and not such a production as most (thank god). Was small and wonderful. Although I wish I had someone that I cared about there. Usually it is fun to be single at events like that but when you care about someone, it can feel a little empty.
Sunday was a zombie for a bit (champagne at the wedding)... then went for a nice cold brisk walk outside around the river. Saved the day.
Was hit on at the wedding by some??? well.. a nice enough guy but sheesh ... couldn't stop bragging about how much money he makes, his italian suits etc. and so on.. What a waste of a human life... hopefully he breaks out of it someday.
Oh! and on a anti my goals - note... I bought a headboard!!!!! Soooo excited. I haven't had a headboard since I was a kid. Just something about it that feels secure (besides not losing your pillows between the bed and wall from the hollywood bed frame rolling around). Also bought a chair for the livingroom. :-s I need to eat ramen now for the next few months.
Friday, January 26, 2007
2007 - Day 26 - dreams - empty brain stuff
ok.. dream about my dog I think?? my brother made these cartoon looking dogs, kind of big and would sit them outside and some old lady walked by and talked to it. Then I went out side and my dog (that I used to have) sophie ran up to me.. In my dream she was someone else's. She turned on her back and let me pet her belly and that was it.
-
ok.. mind dump
stressed
not sure which way to go next...
what is on my mind
card idea... have had it a while... brother sent me link of someone doing something similar, but not as good and not w/ the intended feelgood purpose.. do I do it? hmm
seniors getting shoved off to retirement homes/centers/small communities instead of being part of communities, we are losing history, learning, sharing, etc.. just doesn't feel right, how to fix...
design job.. wanted to do design (clothing) all my life... but then it felt not involved enough... like it is superficial.. found a job in w/ a company I like a lot that I qualify for even though I haven't been in the design world... will apply for.. but not sure it is right for me anymore...
anyone else reading this thinking this gal really thinks too much and maybe should just work.. eh? ;)
going to a wedding tomorrow night should be fun
found a headboard on sale... don't "have" to have it... but have always wanted one (haven't since I left home).. and it is on sale... :) and matches... like a GOOD sale.. hmmmm
can pay off car this week... would be smarter to put money on running crcardbill.. but I will always carry a balance on it.. so maybe just get rid of car debt.
ummm.... need to finish this book I've been reading for too long ;) good book.
but have more coming and don't want to get too behind and have guilt books looming over me ;)
arlighty...
someone just came by to say hi and I know he will cheer me up...
end of blog for today ;)
-
ok.. mind dump
stressed
not sure which way to go next...
what is on my mind
card idea... have had it a while... brother sent me link of someone doing something similar, but not as good and not w/ the intended feelgood purpose.. do I do it? hmm
seniors getting shoved off to retirement homes/centers/small communities instead of being part of communities, we are losing history, learning, sharing, etc.. just doesn't feel right, how to fix...
design job.. wanted to do design (clothing) all my life... but then it felt not involved enough... like it is superficial.. found a job in w/ a company I like a lot that I qualify for even though I haven't been in the design world... will apply for.. but not sure it is right for me anymore...
anyone else reading this thinking this gal really thinks too much and maybe should just work.. eh? ;)
going to a wedding tomorrow night should be fun
found a headboard on sale... don't "have" to have it... but have always wanted one (haven't since I left home).. and it is on sale... :) and matches... like a GOOD sale.. hmmmm
can pay off car this week... would be smarter to put money on running crcardbill.. but I will always carry a balance on it.. so maybe just get rid of car debt.
ummm.... need to finish this book I've been reading for too long ;) good book.
but have more coming and don't want to get too behind and have guilt books looming over me ;)
arlighty...
someone just came by to say hi and I know he will cheer me up...
end of blog for today ;)
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Day 25 - dreams - bridal shower
Day 24 dream
umm should have written this down yesterday...??
something in a house, my mother and father (who have been divorced since I was born) had been in a fight of sorts .. mom pushed his buttons and he had had it... ??
another part trying on clothes in a dept. store, but the dressing room shutter blinds wouldn't stay shut, nor would the door and there was a line of ladies right outside the door, then I looked for some solution and I went through another door w/ some other women. Some sales ladies walked in and moved some walls around and it turned into this beautiful room with dark wood collumns etc...
all I can recall a the moment
Day 25 dream
First I was dating some guy.. seemed to have it going on, but something seemed false. Like he was standing on not so steady ground. We were staying at some resort, fancy hotel, golfing, water, etc. He was leaving or? but some how I "broke-up" with him either by not going with him or leaving him. I was walking the resort grounds and ran into his friends (man & wife) and they told me it was a good thing I didn't go with him, he was an alcoholic and full of "it."
Then I'm walking with my dad and step mom and they want me to see this water feature at the resort. I guess it is amazing (mind you we've been walking through water tunnels etc. seeing neat underwater features). For this feature you either have to hold your breath under a tunnel while swimming for a long ways or scuba (I'm not licensed)... so I passed.
Later dream - I was with a robot. It was a guy robot (had a man's voice/personality), all silver, basic human shape and lips that moved. It was acting more human than robot which kind of scared me so I pushed a button to turn it off. It shut down and then came back on 2 seconds later. I did it again.. same thing happened.. Then it talked to me and gave me the idea it liked me and it wanted a kiss. I'm thinking.. ok, what is the harm, it is metal, it will just be quick, etc... so then it kisses me and somehow can kiss good (who woulda thunk). and I pull back and am in shock. Then I close my eyes and open them and there is this huge blubbery guy in front of me... like.. man breasts, massive belly w/ no shape as to wear the waist line would have been. He had a full shirt tattoo that was brightly colored with green leaves and red flowers and petals and vines. It was 3D in a way in that the leaf would poke out on the edges like he had things inserted under his skin for the effect. :-s Then he started telling me that he had lost a lot of weight and he showed me a picture of his sister (who was a large girl, but w/ some shape). He said on the island they get treated better than at home (I'm assuming the u.s.). He said the island natives are generally large, so he doesn't feel so out of place here...
Then I woke up.
_____
Ok.... wedding shower last night for the fastest planned wedding. Was done in 2 weeks (flowers, decor, etc. still not done). I had purchased these beautiful glasses years back, just two. They were quite spendy, so my excuse was that if I ever got married, they would be our toasting glasses. Well, after one of my many move, the movers killed that idea and broke one. Sooooooo ... bride to be says .. "we are not going to do a unity candle, but someone told us the idea of pouring two glasses of wine into one and then drinking from the same glass... we just need to find a glass. Ta Da!!!! Anyhoo.. I'm glad it can be used for its somewhat original purpose. :)
umm should have written this down yesterday...??
something in a house, my mother and father (who have been divorced since I was born) had been in a fight of sorts .. mom pushed his buttons and he had had it... ??
another part trying on clothes in a dept. store, but the dressing room shutter blinds wouldn't stay shut, nor would the door and there was a line of ladies right outside the door, then I looked for some solution and I went through another door w/ some other women. Some sales ladies walked in and moved some walls around and it turned into this beautiful room with dark wood collumns etc...
all I can recall a the moment
Day 25 dream
First I was dating some guy.. seemed to have it going on, but something seemed false. Like he was standing on not so steady ground. We were staying at some resort, fancy hotel, golfing, water, etc. He was leaving or? but some how I "broke-up" with him either by not going with him or leaving him. I was walking the resort grounds and ran into his friends (man & wife) and they told me it was a good thing I didn't go with him, he was an alcoholic and full of "it."
Then I'm walking with my dad and step mom and they want me to see this water feature at the resort. I guess it is amazing (mind you we've been walking through water tunnels etc. seeing neat underwater features). For this feature you either have to hold your breath under a tunnel while swimming for a long ways or scuba (I'm not licensed)... so I passed.
Later dream - I was with a robot. It was a guy robot (had a man's voice/personality), all silver, basic human shape and lips that moved. It was acting more human than robot which kind of scared me so I pushed a button to turn it off. It shut down and then came back on 2 seconds later. I did it again.. same thing happened.. Then it talked to me and gave me the idea it liked me and it wanted a kiss. I'm thinking.. ok, what is the harm, it is metal, it will just be quick, etc... so then it kisses me and somehow can kiss good (who woulda thunk). and I pull back and am in shock. Then I close my eyes and open them and there is this huge blubbery guy in front of me... like.. man breasts, massive belly w/ no shape as to wear the waist line would have been. He had a full shirt tattoo that was brightly colored with green leaves and red flowers and petals and vines. It was 3D in a way in that the leaf would poke out on the edges like he had things inserted under his skin for the effect. :-s Then he started telling me that he had lost a lot of weight and he showed me a picture of his sister (who was a large girl, but w/ some shape). He said on the island they get treated better than at home (I'm assuming the u.s.). He said the island natives are generally large, so he doesn't feel so out of place here...
Then I woke up.
_____
Ok.... wedding shower last night for the fastest planned wedding. Was done in 2 weeks (flowers, decor, etc. still not done). I had purchased these beautiful glasses years back, just two. They were quite spendy, so my excuse was that if I ever got married, they would be our toasting glasses. Well, after one of my many move, the movers killed that idea and broke one. Sooooooo ... bride to be says .. "we are not going to do a unity candle, but someone told us the idea of pouring two glasses of wine into one and then drinking from the same glass... we just need to find a glass. Ta Da!!!! Anyhoo.. I'm glad it can be used for its somewhat original purpose. :)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
2007 - day 23 - dream and stuff
Ok.. had some mixed up dreams...
There was about three that sort of linked together. In each of them, I was in or near buildings that were all natural wood color.. not fresh light pine, but dark wood, like one was inside a barn, another inside a house or?? and another I was at some school grounds and the buildings were all made of dark wood/stone/brick and lots of trees around and warm cloudy days.
The barn one I was looking at this barn that my dad and step mom were in. it had high ceilings, good light, unfinished etc. I told them if they ever wanted to sell it, to let me know because I would love it. She was hanging up fancy dresses, not sure what my dad was doing.
Another I was in this house or ?? buidling.. again unfinished wood inside. There was an older man there I think our teacher of sorts. Other people were there like three others and I'm not sure who they were. He had some treats on the counter.. fruit tarts, and.. old fashioned types of treats. He was teaching us something with a compass I think?? we were near water. Not sure
The last I was on some old campus grounds... the grounds's trails were hard dirt between grass and leaves. Lots of old trees, little buildings here and there. We were suposed to go on some trip on a bus and go buy or register for the tickets at the campus church.. which was this very old church. It all had a cozy feel, very nice. A guy I went to school with (like Jr. High through High School) was in my dream. He was one of those quiet guys, really nice, smart etc.. got lost in the social shuffle of popularity and nonpopularity. Anyhoo, I had a crush on him when I was about 12. So in my dream he walks up to me to see if I'm going to go buy my ticket. Kind of a checking in to see if we both are on track. It was a nice cozy feeling. The innoccent kind of just having a nice friend around.
:)
Ok.. back to reality of noncozy. I peeked at jobs and saw the lists occupations I'm perfect for (experience-wise) and it made me nauseous. I don't want to stay in what I'm doing. I don't think I have enough motivation left in me to fake it anymore.
Soooo... hmmmm
There was about three that sort of linked together. In each of them, I was in or near buildings that were all natural wood color.. not fresh light pine, but dark wood, like one was inside a barn, another inside a house or?? and another I was at some school grounds and the buildings were all made of dark wood/stone/brick and lots of trees around and warm cloudy days.
The barn one I was looking at this barn that my dad and step mom were in. it had high ceilings, good light, unfinished etc. I told them if they ever wanted to sell it, to let me know because I would love it. She was hanging up fancy dresses, not sure what my dad was doing.
Another I was in this house or ?? buidling.. again unfinished wood inside. There was an older man there I think our teacher of sorts. Other people were there like three others and I'm not sure who they were. He had some treats on the counter.. fruit tarts, and.. old fashioned types of treats. He was teaching us something with a compass I think?? we were near water. Not sure
The last I was on some old campus grounds... the grounds's trails were hard dirt between grass and leaves. Lots of old trees, little buildings here and there. We were suposed to go on some trip on a bus and go buy or register for the tickets at the campus church.. which was this very old church. It all had a cozy feel, very nice. A guy I went to school with (like Jr. High through High School) was in my dream. He was one of those quiet guys, really nice, smart etc.. got lost in the social shuffle of popularity and nonpopularity. Anyhoo, I had a crush on him when I was about 12. So in my dream he walks up to me to see if I'm going to go buy my ticket. Kind of a checking in to see if we both are on track. It was a nice cozy feeling. The innoccent kind of just having a nice friend around.
:)
Ok.. back to reality of noncozy. I peeked at jobs and saw the lists occupations I'm perfect for (experience-wise) and it made me nauseous. I don't want to stay in what I'm doing. I don't think I have enough motivation left in me to fake it anymore.
Soooo... hmmmm
Saturday, January 20, 2007
2007 - day 20 - dream
Was in community kitchen…. Supposed to go back to room
They wanted me to throw a foam thing across into the main dining room (like a restaurant)
I’m staying at some boarding place. I’m new
They are nice and I am comfortable for the most part. I know I normally wouldn’t be w/out my privacy but some things like having meals cooked and people to say hello to is nice.
At one point I’m looking for a little black girl who I’m responsible for or is mine.. I ask someone behind a kiosk in another area.. asking if she has seen a mouse around dressed like mini… I find her.. I sit her down and tell her I have found her some lunch (my lunch that I didn't eat)… a burrito or a wrap of some sort and I wrap it in tissue and netting so she can hold it w/out it spilling everywhere.
- - - - -- - -
The sun looks super pretty this morning... reminds me of something, not sure what. Well.. the blue sky w/ the clouds. I'll have to get out of the house today. My shoulder is out so can barely move it, right side. Hmmm
Maybe a good day for a walk on Alberta, check out the new shops etc. I need to get away and figure out what to do next. I've got 6 months to plan and maybe figure something out... :-s
They wanted me to throw a foam thing across into the main dining room (like a restaurant)
I’m staying at some boarding place. I’m new
They are nice and I am comfortable for the most part. I know I normally wouldn’t be w/out my privacy but some things like having meals cooked and people to say hello to is nice.
At one point I’m looking for a little black girl who I’m responsible for or is mine.. I ask someone behind a kiosk in another area.. asking if she has seen a mouse around dressed like mini… I find her.. I sit her down and tell her I have found her some lunch (my lunch that I didn't eat)… a burrito or a wrap of some sort and I wrap it in tissue and netting so she can hold it w/out it spilling everywhere.
- - - - -- - -
The sun looks super pretty this morning... reminds me of something, not sure what. Well.. the blue sky w/ the clouds. I'll have to get out of the house today. My shoulder is out so can barely move it, right side. Hmmm
Maybe a good day for a walk on Alberta, check out the new shops etc. I need to get away and figure out what to do next. I've got 6 months to plan and maybe figure something out... :-s
Monday, January 15, 2007
2007 - Day 15
ok.. I'll insert a dream I had then continue
I was in jail.. each inmate had one bag of posessions... one guy had a duffle of clothes, car keys etc. I was rooming w/ the blond guy from "thank you for not smoking." My mom came to visit and she mentioned that I should be watching my weight. In the dream she was pretty heavy herself and 6' tall (in reality she is 5'2"). Jail was comfortable, not like nice... but emotionally comfortable and I was seeing my cell mate who was quite a sweety.
Another part of the dream.. Allen (a guy that was a neighbor of a good friend of mine over a year ago, who I had a crush on pre-meeting, then found he was into renaissance fairs and 24/7 video gaming). He wanted to sell organic dog food, no fillers, made from real food etc. He was trying to raise money for it. I think I had to write several papers then I said that I would help him
ralley at dog parks to tell people about it to see if they were excited... they were.
____
Ok, on with day 15. It is Monday, after a semi-3-day weekend. I was told at 8:50 a.m. on day 12 that I was getting RIF'd (reduction in force). I would have done the same, I barely had enough to keep me busy. So I have 6 months to find something else (not bad really). I spent day 12-14 not thinking about it. I just let myself enjoy not stressing about what my boss might put on my plate when I was going to tell her (pre-rif-ing) that I needed more to do.
So that is it for now. Mind is open.. not sure what I'll do next... ;) First a trip to NYC that was already planned...
I was in jail.. each inmate had one bag of posessions... one guy had a duffle of clothes, car keys etc. I was rooming w/ the blond guy from "thank you for not smoking." My mom came to visit and she mentioned that I should be watching my weight. In the dream she was pretty heavy herself and 6' tall (in reality she is 5'2"). Jail was comfortable, not like nice... but emotionally comfortable and I was seeing my cell mate who was quite a sweety.
Another part of the dream.. Allen (a guy that was a neighbor of a good friend of mine over a year ago, who I had a crush on pre-meeting, then found he was into renaissance fairs and 24/7 video gaming). He wanted to sell organic dog food, no fillers, made from real food etc. He was trying to raise money for it. I think I had to write several papers then I said that I would help him
ralley at dog parks to tell people about it to see if they were excited... they were.
____
Ok, on with day 15. It is Monday, after a semi-3-day weekend. I was told at 8:50 a.m. on day 12 that I was getting RIF'd (reduction in force). I would have done the same, I barely had enough to keep me busy. So I have 6 months to find something else (not bad really). I spent day 12-14 not thinking about it. I just let myself enjoy not stressing about what my boss might put on my plate when I was going to tell her (pre-rif-ing) that I needed more to do.
So that is it for now. Mind is open.. not sure what I'll do next... ;) First a trip to NYC that was already planned...
Friday, January 05, 2007
2007 day 5... dream... hiding, leaking burning house
ok.. so last night's dream
was in a bathroom stall.. cowering.. I had it locked.. feet up on the seat... clasping my purse.. someone was knocking at the door.. It was as if I just became conscious. Like I was drunk and out of it and now just realized where I was but not sure why. I then had a flash back of someone trying to get to me, me running to my car trying to get safe in time... then it not working and running to some public restroom and locking the outside door as well as the stall. When I came out of the restroom the man was there. He had broken into my car searching for something ... I ran.. ended up at some house. I'm not remembering much about this part. I know there were other people there, a female who owned the house.. it was "creative" in its decor... lots of missing walls, ceilings dripping.. etc.. the man was still after me/us (there was a guy there too, another - keep me safe - kind of guy) we set the house on fire so that some ? evidence wouldn't be there and so we could run out.. and tell the insurance adjuster... who just happened to be there as well... nice lady.
___
Still can't seem to wake up in the morning. I even came home last night and went straight to cleaning up my place (usually if my place is a mess, I don't want to "be" there so don't get up all perky). House feels better. but something still doesn't feel right. It is a .. need to break away from old habits, patterns, things, .. feel.. and move on to other things.. But maybe like getting rid of a tooth that is just hanging by a string.. you know you don't want it there.. but it hurts to pull it.
was in a bathroom stall.. cowering.. I had it locked.. feet up on the seat... clasping my purse.. someone was knocking at the door.. It was as if I just became conscious. Like I was drunk and out of it and now just realized where I was but not sure why. I then had a flash back of someone trying to get to me, me running to my car trying to get safe in time... then it not working and running to some public restroom and locking the outside door as well as the stall. When I came out of the restroom the man was there. He had broken into my car searching for something ... I ran.. ended up at some house. I'm not remembering much about this part. I know there were other people there, a female who owned the house.. it was "creative" in its decor... lots of missing walls, ceilings dripping.. etc.. the man was still after me/us (there was a guy there too, another - keep me safe - kind of guy) we set the house on fire so that some ? evidence wouldn't be there and so we could run out.. and tell the insurance adjuster... who just happened to be there as well... nice lady.
___
Still can't seem to wake up in the morning. I even came home last night and went straight to cleaning up my place (usually if my place is a mess, I don't want to "be" there so don't get up all perky). House feels better. but something still doesn't feel right. It is a .. need to break away from old habits, patterns, things, .. feel.. and move on to other things.. But maybe like getting rid of a tooth that is just hanging by a string.. you know you don't want it there.. but it hurts to pull it.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
2007 - Day 4 - dream
Dream from last night...
Was on some sort of race, but through a town/village. A running race, in street clothes, had a purse over my shoulder, etc. I know I was ahead for the most part and doing well. At one point I stopped (can't remember why) and was slowed a bit.. I needed shoes or?? something. This young fella, blondish with a beard (kind of bohemian, NW outdoorsy) was helping me with supplies. He was very kind, looked down at me and said: "you know I'm am here for you anytime you need something." Was a nice feeling for a sec... then I went off running again and realized I took the wrong route that would set me back a bit and put me on the other side of a river from the race. I ran and hopped on this small wooden ferry and just made it. There were three blond women on there who were saying things to me that were very rude/hurtful etc. The seemed like rich girls, covered in nice clothes, blond streaks, machine tanned, eyeliner and bleached teeth. They were so mean and I felt they were going to create some sort of small hell for me so as I ran by, I pushed two of them in the river :-s and then ran past the next one.. then I woke up. I know there was more to it, but can't remember at the moment.
___
I need to get myself sorted. I have been ping ponging, which usually means there is something I'm not taking care of. Car is working, taking care of health (exercise, nutrition, etc.), everything is done at work so I'm thinking it must be a planning thing, what do I do next with my life.. what do I want.. and so on.
Also.. part of me feels like getting rid of the old to make room for the new. IE... I have lots of "things" that have memories to them.. do I keep them? Sometimes I think I'd feel so free if I didn't have all that. Sometimes I feel like it is proof that I have been here or a representative of my life so far. Hmm not sure. Getting rid of this stuff isn't like cutting your hair ... the stuff won't grow back. I need a time capsule company that will hold all my items like that... just in case I ever get married, have kids, grandkids ... and they want to know about grandma. Maybe write a secret novel as well.. that they can only read after I'm gone. ;)
ok.. back to work I suppose...
Oh! signed up for a tap class - starts next week - updates on that later
and a speed reading class... was bored
and at some point can update on the trip to UK . I can't call it a vacation. It was a "trip" .... head trip, travel trip, etc.
Was on some sort of race, but through a town/village. A running race, in street clothes, had a purse over my shoulder, etc. I know I was ahead for the most part and doing well. At one point I stopped (can't remember why) and was slowed a bit.. I needed shoes or?? something. This young fella, blondish with a beard (kind of bohemian, NW outdoorsy) was helping me with supplies. He was very kind, looked down at me and said: "you know I'm am here for you anytime you need something." Was a nice feeling for a sec... then I went off running again and realized I took the wrong route that would set me back a bit and put me on the other side of a river from the race. I ran and hopped on this small wooden ferry and just made it. There were three blond women on there who were saying things to me that were very rude/hurtful etc. The seemed like rich girls, covered in nice clothes, blond streaks, machine tanned, eyeliner and bleached teeth. They were so mean and I felt they were going to create some sort of small hell for me so as I ran by, I pushed two of them in the river :-s and then ran past the next one.. then I woke up. I know there was more to it, but can't remember at the moment.
___
I need to get myself sorted. I have been ping ponging, which usually means there is something I'm not taking care of. Car is working, taking care of health (exercise, nutrition, etc.), everything is done at work so I'm thinking it must be a planning thing, what do I do next with my life.. what do I want.. and so on.
Also.. part of me feels like getting rid of the old to make room for the new. IE... I have lots of "things" that have memories to them.. do I keep them? Sometimes I think I'd feel so free if I didn't have all that. Sometimes I feel like it is proof that I have been here or a representative of my life so far. Hmm not sure. Getting rid of this stuff isn't like cutting your hair ... the stuff won't grow back. I need a time capsule company that will hold all my items like that... just in case I ever get married, have kids, grandkids ... and they want to know about grandma. Maybe write a secret novel as well.. that they can only read after I'm gone. ;)
ok.. back to work I suppose...
Oh! signed up for a tap class - starts next week - updates on that later
and a speed reading class... was bored
and at some point can update on the trip to UK . I can't call it a vacation. It was a "trip" .... head trip, travel trip, etc.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
2007 ... day 3
Day 3... got up at 4 a.m. , went back to bed, got up again.. had some strange dreams
first one - started w/ being at someone's house. lot of adult women, strong personalities. A little girl was there ... playing.. I was her sometimes, not her sometimes... a cat got caught in a tree but was wrapped up in spider webs/moth cocoon webs... no one wanted to get past all the gunk to save it..felt bad for it but that is it at one point. One of the adult woman was looking for a sock? or wrist band or something the little girl lost.. was looking for it and kind of expected me to have answers for her of its where abouts.. I looked for it too.. it was more to get the woman on her way and away from me and somewhat for recognition/approval. Found the wrist band and gave it to the woman.. no response/approval etc. Then the cat was the little girl... so she was stuck up in the web muck and couldn’t get out.. they interchanged a lot (cat to girl to cat).. but then something bad was coming for the cat.. like a tree alligator (remember, this is a dream) and the cat fought itself out.
Then a continued dream.. I was talking to this guy (who actually works in my building, never have spoken to him before or anything.. so not sure why he is in my dream). There were nice feelings there... we liked each other. He took me for a drive to go get something and I saw two guys I went to high school with (also guys I never had a class with or knew or spoke to)... they were in jeans, cowboy hats, moving hay stacks. They looked at us and said.. well look at the two (insert home town here)ians... . Felt sort of embarrassed like we had never left our hometown..
Then I was in a house.. my mom was trying to take me to some doctor... something was wrong with me.. or so she thought... he would say.. well you are feeling this way so we should do "abc" and I said.. no.. I'm not feeling that way. Doctor : "When you worked at Jones Farm didn't..." Me: "I never worked at Jones Farm." He was like some mental/experimental ?? something doc. He was trying to corner me into saying something that would allow him to either do something to me.. or give me drugs.. either of which would incapacitate me. He picked up a moth and placed it on the door jam which I was walking through (it was some sort of magical way of making me stop).. Didn't work, I didn't believe in his magic I guess. So that was that.. I remember some other female in the dream that was nice though.. kind of a feminine, nurturing type of person with long hair and a floral dress.
____
so... besides that.. sitting at work with not much to do.
____
2007 day 2
Umm was bored at work with not much to do, so I signed up for a speed reading class and a tap dancing class. Went to 2 aerobics classes and was kind of low energy.
____
2007 day 1
Was a good day. Went to a morning aerobics class that was hilarious. There was a short pigtailed redhead leading the class with a booming low voice and she parntered with a very tall, larger brunette with a bit of a lisp. They were sooo funny and what a great way to wake up.
Went shopping later, went to a fun grocery store and bought some fun juice (acai w/ cacao) and ostrich burger.
I rearranged my place - may have finally found "the" spot for my couch. Did some sketching.. which I might paint later. Watched a movie "Friends with Money." And read a bit.
____
2006 Last day
Hmmm went for a drink w/ a friend... was FREEZING outside. Went home, watched DaVinci Code... in bed before midnight. Was actually just right.
first one - started w/ being at someone's house. lot of adult women, strong personalities. A little girl was there ... playing.. I was her sometimes, not her sometimes... a cat got caught in a tree but was wrapped up in spider webs/moth cocoon webs... no one wanted to get past all the gunk to save it..felt bad for it but that is it at one point. One of the adult woman was looking for a sock? or wrist band or something the little girl lost.. was looking for it and kind of expected me to have answers for her of its where abouts.. I looked for it too.. it was more to get the woman on her way and away from me and somewhat for recognition/approval. Found the wrist band and gave it to the woman.. no response/approval etc. Then the cat was the little girl... so she was stuck up in the web muck and couldn’t get out.. they interchanged a lot (cat to girl to cat).. but then something bad was coming for the cat.. like a tree alligator (remember, this is a dream) and the cat fought itself out.
Then a continued dream.. I was talking to this guy (who actually works in my building, never have spoken to him before or anything.. so not sure why he is in my dream). There were nice feelings there... we liked each other. He took me for a drive to go get something and I saw two guys I went to high school with (also guys I never had a class with or knew or spoke to)... they were in jeans, cowboy hats, moving hay stacks. They looked at us and said.. well look at the two (insert home town here)ians... . Felt sort of embarrassed like we had never left our hometown..
Then I was in a house.. my mom was trying to take me to some doctor... something was wrong with me.. or so she thought... he would say.. well you are feeling this way so we should do "abc" and I said.. no.. I'm not feeling that way. Doctor : "When you worked at Jones Farm didn't..." Me: "I never worked at Jones Farm." He was like some mental/experimental ?? something doc. He was trying to corner me into saying something that would allow him to either do something to me.. or give me drugs.. either of which would incapacitate me. He picked up a moth and placed it on the door jam which I was walking through (it was some sort of magical way of making me stop).. Didn't work, I didn't believe in his magic I guess. So that was that.. I remember some other female in the dream that was nice though.. kind of a feminine, nurturing type of person with long hair and a floral dress.
____
so... besides that.. sitting at work with not much to do.
____
2007 day 2
Umm was bored at work with not much to do, so I signed up for a speed reading class and a tap dancing class. Went to 2 aerobics classes and was kind of low energy.
____
2007 day 1
Was a good day. Went to a morning aerobics class that was hilarious. There was a short pigtailed redhead leading the class with a booming low voice and she parntered with a very tall, larger brunette with a bit of a lisp. They were sooo funny and what a great way to wake up.
Went shopping later, went to a fun grocery store and bought some fun juice (acai w/ cacao) and ostrich burger.
I rearranged my place - may have finally found "the" spot for my couch. Did some sketching.. which I might paint later. Watched a movie "Friends with Money." And read a bit.
____
2006 Last day
Hmmm went for a drink w/ a friend... was FREEZING outside. Went home, watched DaVinci Code... in bed before midnight. Was actually just right.
Monday, October 16, 2006
The school of House Guest
the house guest
Although he was quite a handful and lots of drama... I did learn a lot from this experience. Not just to not take in a random stranger who is down on his luck... but I learned things from observing him... and traits that I was critical of him on I could see in myself in a milder sense... but they were still there.... pot/kettle/black (pkb)...
Some great things about him ... he is a fun loving person.. not meaning his drinking and partying. He is a very enthusiastic person, wants to share experiences, his enthusiasm, his excitment. He knows how to just have fun, be goofy and let go (something I could use improvement on).
He also has a good heart... just does't always use it.
He is a smart guy... if he would just put a little effort into himself, his life.. he could really do something... but he doesn't.. He is into the instant gratification bit. This is where I learned something about myself. I may do ok for myself at a level I have considered "comfortable"... but ... I'm am smart and talented ... if I pushed myself more.. and didn't settle for just comfortable, I might be able to do something more with my life as well. pkb
Although he was quite a handful and lots of drama... I did learn a lot from this experience. Not just to not take in a random stranger who is down on his luck... but I learned things from observing him... and traits that I was critical of him on I could see in myself in a milder sense... but they were still there.... pot/kettle/black (pkb)...
Some great things about him ... he is a fun loving person.. not meaning his drinking and partying. He is a very enthusiastic person, wants to share experiences, his enthusiasm, his excitment. He knows how to just have fun, be goofy and let go (something I could use improvement on).
He also has a good heart... just does't always use it.
He is a smart guy... if he would just put a little effort into himself, his life.. he could really do something... but he doesn't.. He is into the instant gratification bit. This is where I learned something about myself. I may do ok for myself at a level I have considered "comfortable"... but ... I'm am smart and talented ... if I pushed myself more.. and didn't settle for just comfortable, I might be able to do something more with my life as well. pkb
Friday, October 13, 2006
dreams, dear-ness and drama
dream
ok... night before last I had another naked dream. what is up w/ that?
I was in another nice home (architecturally) w/ lots of bare wood, windows, high peaks, vaulted ceilings etc... in the woods or something and there was another home just up a hill from me that could basically look right in to mine. People came over for a dinner or something, all nude again, and my exbf (in the dream) lived up in the other house and was watching. :-s
dear-ness
We have some mentally challenged folks that work in my building. They work in the basement (they stuff envelopes next to the mailroom... we don't keep them in the basement under lock and key or anything). On my way to lunch, a couple of the guys and a girl were on the elevator w/ me yesterday. The one fella (late thirtiesish) said to the other.. "you know Tom....? you are my bessst friend." The other one replied... "I know.. you are mine too... I thought about you yesterday." It was the sweetest thing. I was all warm and fuzzy inside all of lunch. Just being open and nice... no ego, no fear .. anyhoo.. was sweet.
drama
alcohol... mixed with house guest... such bad news. I'm moving him out today at lunch. He got very?? well.. yelling, fighting (verbally) and then physical. I kept feeling like I was just watching a movie, like "I can't be part of this.. this isn't real right?" I should have put my foot down a while ago.. but I have zero tolerance for the physical bit. Soooo.. :) will have my place back this weekend. :)... get my rugs Tuesday, get my life back before my trip. :)
All-in-all... a good experience really.. seeing how someone can blame their circumstances... and never get past it.. not see what they do have... and just throw it away day by day... Good lesson.
ok... night before last I had another naked dream. what is up w/ that?
I was in another nice home (architecturally) w/ lots of bare wood, windows, high peaks, vaulted ceilings etc... in the woods or something and there was another home just up a hill from me that could basically look right in to mine. People came over for a dinner or something, all nude again, and my exbf (in the dream) lived up in the other house and was watching. :-s
dear-ness
We have some mentally challenged folks that work in my building. They work in the basement (they stuff envelopes next to the mailroom... we don't keep them in the basement under lock and key or anything). On my way to lunch, a couple of the guys and a girl were on the elevator w/ me yesterday. The one fella (late thirtiesish) said to the other.. "you know Tom....? you are my bessst friend." The other one replied... "I know.. you are mine too... I thought about you yesterday." It was the sweetest thing. I was all warm and fuzzy inside all of lunch. Just being open and nice... no ego, no fear .. anyhoo.. was sweet.
drama
alcohol... mixed with house guest... such bad news. I'm moving him out today at lunch. He got very?? well.. yelling, fighting (verbally) and then physical. I kept feeling like I was just watching a movie, like "I can't be part of this.. this isn't real right?" I should have put my foot down a while ago.. but I have zero tolerance for the physical bit. Soooo.. :) will have my place back this weekend. :)... get my rugs Tuesday, get my life back before my trip. :)
All-in-all... a good experience really.. seeing how someone can blame their circumstances... and never get past it.. not see what they do have... and just throw it away day by day... Good lesson.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Quit ur bi$%#*'n
Ok... I think I have used up my license to bitch on here.. and frankly it is getting me down. Let alone that is not the only thing that is going on in my head...
Last night (and this is going to sound like bitching.. but just listen)... the "guest" came home after drinking 5 drinks (10 shots). Then continued to drink about 10 more shots. I decided to just let go and watch. I don't know if you have ever drank before to where you do something stupid, get the blues .. or some other negative thing happens that makes you say.. "never again, I'm not touching alcohol." Well, I have, but it usually comes from feelings of guilt, embarrassment, etc. and when you do go to that next event and choose not to drink.. there (at least for me) have been times where there is some remorse, feelings of being left out, boredom and maybe even a dash of self pity for not being able (even though it was my choice) to join in on the "fun."
Last night I wasn't part of the drinking.. I was just an observer. He wanted to keep drinking so I just watched.. had to do a little babysitting here and there (drunk loud person, quiet neighbors, new white couch), but otherwise I just watched. I have never felt so good as I did last night about not drinking. He was so... out of it, emotional, smelly, animalistic in his behaviors (bodily functions, movements, etc.)... it actually made my stomach turn. It was really sad and sickening to watch. I was looking at a person who has/had potential.. and was throwing it away shot by shot. An amazingly good looking guy who was anything but attractive. Anyhoo.. that was the glass half full version of having the house guest.
- - - - - -
Last night's dream ( I need to start writing these again so I remember them):
We (friends curtis, emily, lil, sean, ken) were all at some ??? retreat/library/?? some building w/ different rooms, books, nice architecture etc... lots of windows, wood, corridors w/ trees. My mom was there for some reason but for work... She just popped in the dream at the beginning and was gone. Then I was in a room w/ red couches, cushions (all warm colors) etc.. and wood walls and Ken came over because he wanted to see this cartoon dragon video game. He thought the dragons were cute and they made him laugh. Then I went to where the rest of them were.... and they were kind of having a ?? cocktail party - old school, mod hanging lamps, shag carpet, abstract art on the paneled walls, emily was picking out records to listen to and everyone was nude... but it was "normal" in the dream (as in no gasping or covering of the body parts going on). Anyhoo... not sure what it all meant, but a cozy dream all-n-all. It was nice "seeing" them all again. ;)
Last night (and this is going to sound like bitching.. but just listen)... the "guest" came home after drinking 5 drinks (10 shots). Then continued to drink about 10 more shots. I decided to just let go and watch. I don't know if you have ever drank before to where you do something stupid, get the blues .. or some other negative thing happens that makes you say.. "never again, I'm not touching alcohol." Well, I have, but it usually comes from feelings of guilt, embarrassment, etc. and when you do go to that next event and choose not to drink.. there (at least for me) have been times where there is some remorse, feelings of being left out, boredom and maybe even a dash of self pity for not being able (even though it was my choice) to join in on the "fun."
Last night I wasn't part of the drinking.. I was just an observer. He wanted to keep drinking so I just watched.. had to do a little babysitting here and there (drunk loud person, quiet neighbors, new white couch), but otherwise I just watched. I have never felt so good as I did last night about not drinking. He was so... out of it, emotional, smelly, animalistic in his behaviors (bodily functions, movements, etc.)... it actually made my stomach turn. It was really sad and sickening to watch. I was looking at a person who has/had potential.. and was throwing it away shot by shot. An amazingly good looking guy who was anything but attractive. Anyhoo.. that was the glass half full version of having the house guest.
- - - - - -
Last night's dream ( I need to start writing these again so I remember them):
We (friends curtis, emily, lil, sean, ken) were all at some ??? retreat/library/?? some building w/ different rooms, books, nice architecture etc... lots of windows, wood, corridors w/ trees. My mom was there for some reason but for work... She just popped in the dream at the beginning and was gone. Then I was in a room w/ red couches, cushions (all warm colors) etc.. and wood walls and Ken came over because he wanted to see this cartoon dragon video game. He thought the dragons were cute and they made him laugh. Then I went to where the rest of them were.... and they were kind of having a ?? cocktail party - old school, mod hanging lamps, shag carpet, abstract art on the paneled walls, emily was picking out records to listen to and everyone was nude... but it was "normal" in the dream (as in no gasping or covering of the body parts going on). Anyhoo... not sure what it all meant, but a cozy dream all-n-all. It was nice "seeing" them all again. ;)
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
He is moving!!!!
Wow do I feel better. I actually was concerned about him being homeless. Yahoo!
Happy dance city!!! :D
Happy dance city!!! :D
Monday, October 09, 2006
20 days
20 days until house "guest" leaves
20 days until I leave for UK
I've learned some more stuff re: ... "helping" people...
some things I knew.. but maybe didn't practice all of the time, like...
* if you give... expect nothing in return... not appreciation, respect, nothing... or you will be frustrated.
* only give what you really know you can handle giving... or again... you will be frustrated
* if you give... do not expect change... do not expect the help to have "worked," do not expect it to really "help" ... or .. you get it. ;)
and a biggie.. don't give to someone who is a slacker/feels the world owes them ... mind you, you will not always know this ahead of time, but try and figure that out if at all possible. ;)
And just because you may see some good in someone ... doesn't mean that they will be.
Oy...oy oy
So if I can get through the next 20 days w/out having a heart attack.. I will be a happy camper.
This trip hopefully will be a breather of sorts, although I'll be running all over the place... we'll see. I think I'll only get a couple of 1/2 days solo. I really need some time to myself, but hopefully I will get that when I get back... and if I can successfully avoid the "guest"... then I can breath easy. Then off to my next adventure.. whatever that is.
20 days until I leave for UK
I've learned some more stuff re: ... "helping" people...
some things I knew.. but maybe didn't practice all of the time, like...
* if you give... expect nothing in return... not appreciation, respect, nothing... or you will be frustrated.
* only give what you really know you can handle giving... or again... you will be frustrated
* if you give... do not expect change... do not expect the help to have "worked," do not expect it to really "help" ... or .. you get it. ;)
and a biggie.. don't give to someone who is a slacker/feels the world owes them ... mind you, you will not always know this ahead of time, but try and figure that out if at all possible. ;)
And just because you may see some good in someone ... doesn't mean that they will be.
Oy...oy oy
So if I can get through the next 20 days w/out having a heart attack.. I will be a happy camper.
This trip hopefully will be a breather of sorts, although I'll be running all over the place... we'll see. I think I'll only get a couple of 1/2 days solo. I really need some time to myself, but hopefully I will get that when I get back... and if I can successfully avoid the "guest"... then I can breath easy. Then off to my next adventure.. whatever that is.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Ok.. I get it...
I think the universe is throwing me all its got to teach me a lesson.
Lesson being... don't bend over backwards for people... there is never a need to do that. We are all adults... can take care of ourselves and can be responsible. I wouldn't ask anyone to bend over backwards for me... and if they did.. I surely would be greatful, respectful and find a way to thank them that they would appreciate.
I have had the double whammy of helping out my ex-roommate.. to where he wanted even more.. and criticized the help he did get.
And the neighbor who I am helping only because of the foibles my exroommate created.. and now he is whining.
I want my life back. He is a bull in a china cabinet. My life happens to be the china cabinet right now. He spends all his money on cigarettes and having a "good time" ... hasn't started looking for another place to live... doesn't even have money for food etc.. oy oy oy. Helping that kind of person isnt' helping him. Just prolongs his behavior which will probably never change. He is the grasshopper in aesop's fable. :-s... ok.. I need to work.
Lesson being... don't bend over backwards for people... there is never a need to do that. We are all adults... can take care of ourselves and can be responsible. I wouldn't ask anyone to bend over backwards for me... and if they did.. I surely would be greatful, respectful and find a way to thank them that they would appreciate.
I have had the double whammy of helping out my ex-roommate.. to where he wanted even more.. and criticized the help he did get.
And the neighbor who I am helping only because of the foibles my exroommate created.. and now he is whining.
I want my life back. He is a bull in a china cabinet. My life happens to be the china cabinet right now. He spends all his money on cigarettes and having a "good time" ... hasn't started looking for another place to live... doesn't even have money for food etc.. oy oy oy. Helping that kind of person isnt' helping him. Just prolongs his behavior which will probably never change. He is the grasshopper in aesop's fable. :-s... ok.. I need to work.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Got the keys!!! :D
Ok.. keys in hand.. just counting the minutes to quitting time so I can start moving some stuff.
Had a great workout this morning. I think it helped that the snorer spent the night somewhere else last night. I got a full nights sleep in my own bed. :)
I've been shopping for area rugs. We have to cover 70% of the floors w/ rugs to protect the wood. Man.. tough job. Spending that much on something that you really don't think about. I don't want a boring rug.. although it would be practical.. Just they are sooooooo yawn. I don't want to go to crazy either.. then it will get dated and what a waste of dough. And I don't want to go oriental/persian.... oy.
So neighbor boy has fallen off the face of the earth today. He offered to help me to move since he'll be staying at my place... hmmm... wonder if he is still going to help. Might have to hire people last minute or something. :-s The plus of that is.. I will keep the king size futon I bought for him as a thank you for helping me move. :) and.. that would also mean he found a new place to stay (I hope, I hope, I hope). :D
1 hr 5 minutes...
Had a great workout this morning. I think it helped that the snorer spent the night somewhere else last night. I got a full nights sleep in my own bed. :)
I've been shopping for area rugs. We have to cover 70% of the floors w/ rugs to protect the wood. Man.. tough job. Spending that much on something that you really don't think about. I don't want a boring rug.. although it would be practical.. Just they are sooooooo yawn. I don't want to go to crazy either.. then it will get dated and what a waste of dough. And I don't want to go oriental/persian.... oy.
So neighbor boy has fallen off the face of the earth today. He offered to help me to move since he'll be staying at my place... hmmm... wonder if he is still going to help. Might have to hire people last minute or something. :-s The plus of that is.. I will keep the king size futon I bought for him as a thank you for helping me move. :) and.. that would also mean he found a new place to stay (I hope, I hope, I hope). :D
1 hr 5 minutes...
Thursday, September 28, 2006
changing room mirrors...
oy... I just went bra shopping. I need to instal mirrors in my place so I can see myself at a different angle more often. I think if I did.. I would be much more motivated to say... never touch a baked good again. Egads!!! I need to lose weight and quickly..
Yes, I'm exercising etc.. but maybe I need to do more. I can do the 5:30 workouts in the morning and then distance jogging at night or?? (for calf demasculinity purposes). I could do sprints/jump rope too but that will just do the calf thing again..
then the food... I was doing great.. rice protien, vegies, fruits and salmon.. then I packed my stuff.. and... hung out w/ my beer drinking neighbor (vice)...
so ... only water as a liquid, vegies, fruits, fish, quinoa, rice protien. :-s This must be fixed. ;)
Yes, I'm exercising etc.. but maybe I need to do more. I can do the 5:30 workouts in the morning and then distance jogging at night or?? (for calf demasculinity purposes). I could do sprints/jump rope too but that will just do the calf thing again..
then the food... I was doing great.. rice protien, vegies, fruits and salmon.. then I packed my stuff.. and... hung out w/ my beer drinking neighbor (vice)...
so ... only water as a liquid, vegies, fruits, fish, quinoa, rice protien. :-s This must be fixed. ;)
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
day 13 of bootcamp and 3 more days until I move!
A lot has happened in the last few days.. I've worked out a ton... doesn't show on the scale but does in my shape and what I can fit into (and the pain in my muscles). ;)
My roommate has been possessed by a demon.
My neighbor seems to think we should be a couple and live together...
And due to having my plate full (I think...) I really don't have any pull in any direction.
So.... bootcamp... been fun.. but my calves are threatening masculinity... If I don't stop, they may not fit in my boots. Other parts of me are definitely changing for the better though and getting stronger. :) I'm liking the early morning workouts under the stars too. I might go for one more month of this.. then I might need to switch to a pilates trainer or something.. can't do big calves.
Roommate... I think either out of being stressed on his new home purchase.. or that his purchase sealed the deal w/ a new found bf... but he has gone over the top. I tried to help him and a neighbor by linking the two... (matt didn't want to pay the rest of his lease.. plus his new house payment... neighbor wanted our apartment)... Quite the perfect match, don't ya think? The only risk.. I.. (not my roommate or neighbor).. had to risk staying on the lease (so be on two leases) so that the neighbor could get the apartment... and Matt could get some rent. So what is so bad about that?? My roommate thought I must be getting something out of this.. squeazing money out of somewhere.. and away from him. I wouldn't be doing this just to be nice or anything... So since this thought of his.. there have been name calling, accusations, threats, flying coffee cups... all from him to me. Even going to the neighbors as well as the apartment manager and spreading the evil news about myself.. as well as bringing down the neighbor.. boy.. I could go on.. but.. why? Bottom line I move this weekend. :) Unfortunately due to roomie's words re: the neighbor.. he had decided not to move in (which is good since I don't have to be on two leases now).. but is bad because now he is homeless for Oct. and I STUPIDLY offered him a place to stay. Why stupid?? why not just nice and thoughtful?? Well.. he is kind of a handful.. nice guy sure... just never has money, food, etc... is very loud (including late night snoring.. that pierces through walls, floors and ear plugs). I haven't had a good night sleep for 3 nights.. and won't until the 29th of Oct. unless he finds a place soon. Cross your fingers for me.
So.. the no pull in any direction... normally I hate my job so much that I can't stand it.. but for now.. for lately... I've just detached. I workout, work, go home.. see friends... zzzzzz Mind you I have been focussed on paying off debts, selling things, packing, finding a place to live, dealing with roommate, working w/ neighbor... and so on... so I've been busy.. let alone I'm in a zombie state lately due to lacking zzz's ... so maybe that is it.
Trip is a little more planned out now (gasp)... I actually know-ish where I will be on what days and even have things like ferry tickets purchased.. Quite a change from the usual for me.
So.. on the horizon.. move, settle, find new workout thang, travel, pay off travel as well as rest of old debts... sell car?? :-s... or.. and then see what is next.. not sure. :) I'll do some wishful/hopeful thinking.
My roommate has been possessed by a demon.
My neighbor seems to think we should be a couple and live together...
And due to having my plate full (I think...) I really don't have any pull in any direction.
So.... bootcamp... been fun.. but my calves are threatening masculinity... If I don't stop, they may not fit in my boots. Other parts of me are definitely changing for the better though and getting stronger. :) I'm liking the early morning workouts under the stars too. I might go for one more month of this.. then I might need to switch to a pilates trainer or something.. can't do big calves.
Roommate... I think either out of being stressed on his new home purchase.. or that his purchase sealed the deal w/ a new found bf... but he has gone over the top. I tried to help him and a neighbor by linking the two... (matt didn't want to pay the rest of his lease.. plus his new house payment... neighbor wanted our apartment)... Quite the perfect match, don't ya think? The only risk.. I.. (not my roommate or neighbor).. had to risk staying on the lease (so be on two leases) so that the neighbor could get the apartment... and Matt could get some rent. So what is so bad about that?? My roommate thought I must be getting something out of this.. squeazing money out of somewhere.. and away from him. I wouldn't be doing this just to be nice or anything... So since this thought of his.. there have been name calling, accusations, threats, flying coffee cups... all from him to me. Even going to the neighbors as well as the apartment manager and spreading the evil news about myself.. as well as bringing down the neighbor.. boy.. I could go on.. but.. why? Bottom line I move this weekend. :) Unfortunately due to roomie's words re: the neighbor.. he had decided not to move in (which is good since I don't have to be on two leases now).. but is bad because now he is homeless for Oct. and I STUPIDLY offered him a place to stay. Why stupid?? why not just nice and thoughtful?? Well.. he is kind of a handful.. nice guy sure... just never has money, food, etc... is very loud (including late night snoring.. that pierces through walls, floors and ear plugs). I haven't had a good night sleep for 3 nights.. and won't until the 29th of Oct. unless he finds a place soon. Cross your fingers for me.
So.. the no pull in any direction... normally I hate my job so much that I can't stand it.. but for now.. for lately... I've just detached. I workout, work, go home.. see friends... zzzzzz Mind you I have been focussed on paying off debts, selling things, packing, finding a place to live, dealing with roommate, working w/ neighbor... and so on... so I've been busy.. let alone I'm in a zombie state lately due to lacking zzz's ... so maybe that is it.
Trip is a little more planned out now (gasp)... I actually know-ish where I will be on what days and even have things like ferry tickets purchased.. Quite a change from the usual for me.
So.. on the horizon.. move, settle, find new workout thang, travel, pay off travel as well as rest of old debts... sell car?? :-s... or.. and then see what is next.. not sure. :) I'll do some wishful/hopeful thinking.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
bootcamp - Day 2
Ok.. I realize I missed day one.. (on here)..
so day one - got there on time... some jogging, pushups, etc. etc...
day 2 - sprints, jump rope, lunges, backward bends, plank position, etc..
totally energized after class and then was a zombie by afternoon.. but found out via some blood tests I'm low in iron - which is why the lethargy... so once that is fixed up... should be good.
Really feeling the shoulders and waist. Not much in the legs (but I've been doing the stairs for a while now).
----
other stuff:
moving now at the end of sept. :D... the neighbor guy might take over our lease so... that worked out well.
so day one - got there on time... some jogging, pushups, etc. etc...
day 2 - sprints, jump rope, lunges, backward bends, plank position, etc..
totally energized after class and then was a zombie by afternoon.. but found out via some blood tests I'm low in iron - which is why the lethargy... so once that is fixed up... should be good.
Really feeling the shoulders and waist. Not much in the legs (but I've been doing the stairs for a while now).
----
other stuff:
moving now at the end of sept. :D... the neighbor guy might take over our lease so... that worked out well.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
excited....
Have lots of changes I think...
bootcamp... +
think I figured out what turns my crank.. and what might be a good career for me ++++++
moving... ++
paying off debts +++
dad and I had a good talk (nice) ++
told mom some scary news and she was supportive and not all me me dramaesque +
find out results of test re: scary news soon +++
hair is brown (good for a change) +
got some GREAT boots + (shallow but hey...)
plans got more settled for me trip.. which isn't so bad for a change +
and boy oh boy can't wait to move... :D +++
bootcamp... +
think I figured out what turns my crank.. and what might be a good career for me ++++++
moving... ++
paying off debts +++
dad and I had a good talk (nice) ++
told mom some scary news and she was supportive and not all me me dramaesque +
find out results of test re: scary news soon +++
hair is brown (good for a change) +
got some GREAT boots + (shallow but hey...)
plans got more settled for me trip.. which isn't so bad for a change +
and boy oh boy can't wait to move... :D +++
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
lots of stuff
ok... been off this thing for a bit... so a wee update
Found an apartment! :D Will be moving mid-October. Very excited about it.. walking distance from work, from the MAX, will save dough on gas/parking spot etc. :D Have my own place again!!!
There is that job possibility. .that might wait for me to finish up $ stuff. So excited about that.
Boy was back in town.. was nice to see him. We just saw each other on a Sunday night and now he is in New Mexico somewhere in search of a home.
Neighbor layed one on me :-s... wants to ask me out etc... he is too young (8 yrs younger). He kinda looks like this (see left image) minus the extreme bumps and ripples. Atrain says.. yeah too young but.... oy.... ;) I dunno... too soon after the boy... I've got stuff to do.... ummm yeah... Nice guy though.. said he'd help me move... which I think I should just hire some folks. :-s...
Start bootcamp 9/11. :D hmm the trainer's card says can lose 15lbs and 3% bodyfat in this time... I'll take on the challenge.. His best studen lost 10... I think she needs to step aside ... ;) If I did lose 15.. I'd look pretty good.
What else.. I guess that is it.. plenty... I think.. Oh and figured out where I'm staying in London. :).. and sort of an intinerary... london until thursday... nottingham thurs/fri/leave for ireland saturday, Wednesday head to N. Ireland.. ferry to Scotland for thurs, Saturday leave for Yorkshire... then back to london to fly home...ish
need to book my room :)
Found an apartment! :D Will be moving mid-October. Very excited about it.. walking distance from work, from the MAX, will save dough on gas/parking spot etc. :D Have my own place again!!!
There is that job possibility. .that might wait for me to finish up $ stuff. So excited about that.
Boy was back in town.. was nice to see him. We just saw each other on a Sunday night and now he is in New Mexico somewhere in search of a home.
Neighbor layed one on me :-s... wants to ask me out etc... he is too young (8 yrs younger). He kinda looks like this (see left image) minus the extreme bumps and ripples. Atrain says.. yeah too young but.... oy.... ;) I dunno... too soon after the boy... I've got stuff to do.... ummm yeah... Nice guy though.. said he'd help me move... which I think I should just hire some folks. :-s...
Start bootcamp 9/11. :D hmm the trainer's card says can lose 15lbs and 3% bodyfat in this time... I'll take on the challenge.. His best studen lost 10... I think she needs to step aside ... ;) If I did lose 15.. I'd look pretty good.
What else.. I guess that is it.. plenty... I think.. Oh and figured out where I'm staying in London. :).. and sort of an intinerary... london until thursday... nottingham thurs/fri/leave for ireland saturday, Wednesday head to N. Ireland.. ferry to Scotland for thurs, Saturday leave for Yorkshire... then back to london to fly home...ish
need to book my room :)
Thursday, August 24, 2006
New baby on the way!!!! :-D
Oh my!!! A very good friend of mine just told me yesterday she is going to have a baby!!! :)
I'm sooooo happy for her. I was in tears when she told me... in tears again when I told my boss...
Her hubby isn't ready... she isn't ready... they didn't feel like it was the right time.. but are we ever ready?? is there ever a "right" time? Now days we've been given the "luxery" in many ways of being able to decide and plan..... marriage... kids.... life.... seems like with this "luxery" we have taken on kind of a ??? well, there has come with it a feeling of more responsibility. If we don't get it right, then we have really screwed up... if we haven't prepared enough, planned enough, thought it out enough, sewed our oats enough.... then all of a sudden you are 40-something and have been "planned" out of some opportunities/experiences/life...
I'm so glad this little accident happened with them. :)
I'm sooooo happy for her. I was in tears when she told me... in tears again when I told my boss...
Her hubby isn't ready... she isn't ready... they didn't feel like it was the right time.. but are we ever ready?? is there ever a "right" time? Now days we've been given the "luxery" in many ways of being able to decide and plan..... marriage... kids.... life.... seems like with this "luxery" we have taken on kind of a ??? well, there has come with it a feeling of more responsibility. If we don't get it right, then we have really screwed up... if we haven't prepared enough, planned enough, thought it out enough, sewed our oats enough.... then all of a sudden you are 40-something and have been "planned" out of some opportunities/experiences/life...
I'm so glad this little accident happened with them. :)
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
no dreams... no.... nada
ok.. I'm at this place in my life... kind of like a fork in the road.. minus the prongs
I'm almost down to no "have tos"
I have no one to please or make discontented
no animal to feed
selling a lot of my stuff... so not much stuff to maintain or house
no material wants
no major destination that I "have" to see
no major goal that I want to accomplish
at least not immediatly... so it is a weird space to be in
I was in a major funk yesterday. A nice friend told me to go in a dark room and review recent happenings. I looked back to what my life accumulated to in just the last few months. It felt like just a lot of doing. Kind of like looking down on an ant colony... you see them mill around but does anything they do "mean" anything. Certainly the last few months of my life haven't...
Sure, I've done some soul searching.. learned some valuable things... but for the whole.. felt empty...
Then I realized all of this is just empty busy making.. the only thing that really matters .. (ok .. get ready for the cheese).. is love. Look at all the messy busy making we have created... kinda nutty when you think of it.. and the meaning we give some things... when none of it really matters... and the one thing that does... is pretty nice.. pretty simple
I'm almost down to no "have tos"
I have no one to please or make discontented
no animal to feed
selling a lot of my stuff... so not much stuff to maintain or house
no material wants
no major destination that I "have" to see
no major goal that I want to accomplish
at least not immediatly... so it is a weird space to be in
I was in a major funk yesterday. A nice friend told me to go in a dark room and review recent happenings. I looked back to what my life accumulated to in just the last few months. It felt like just a lot of doing. Kind of like looking down on an ant colony... you see them mill around but does anything they do "mean" anything. Certainly the last few months of my life haven't...
Sure, I've done some soul searching.. learned some valuable things... but for the whole.. felt empty...
Then I realized all of this is just empty busy making.. the only thing that really matters .. (ok .. get ready for the cheese).. is love. Look at all the messy busy making we have created... kinda nutty when you think of it.. and the meaning we give some things... when none of it really matters... and the one thing that does... is pretty nice.. pretty simple
Friday, August 11, 2006
Commited to non-commitment
ok.. say you are leary of commitment... there are many reasons.... good reasons for this..
not wanting to be stuck... not wanting to be controlled by circumstances/situations/rules that don't always fit... the rules are not always put there for the right reasons, are not always carried out by those that mean well.... and things, people, circumstances change... where commitment isn't supposed to with these changes... and if you don't know what you want... really hard and almost careless to commit
I guess the above is more for the big commitments... career, partner, etc...
Then there are the little commitments..... yes, I'll go to the bbq two weeks out (but what if something else comes up?)... well.. haven't really made any hotel reservations.. have a ticket in/ticket out... (just in case something comes up where you want to stay in abc town longer, or take off w/ new friends on the way) ... and usually going anywhere (vacations/trips/etc.) solo... so you aren't tied to anyone else's plans/hangups/etc. and so on...
I am sort of one of those people. I like being free for the most part. I'm a person who needs plenty of ?? well, I need to feel like I have options, not stifled etc... if say a guy who was interested in me (a fella) heard this.. might be a turn-off... well, if I heard it from a guy.. yes, it would be a turn off...
so.. the idea behind it all is that if you keep things open.. you won't miss something... some experience, some person, some....??? , now that I type that it sounds so.... opportunistic...? which it is... but... sounds so..?? umm shallow and greedy....
hmmm...
how about I hit it from this angle... not wanting to be stuck... not wanting to be in a rut.. not wanting to waste hours, days, years of your life out of ruttedness... out of habit... not wanting to miss some learning experience, growth experience because of being stuck in a rut.. or being stuck with someone who is that way...
so... the point I wanted to make.. or more like the question I wanted to ask... isn't that being in a rut too? to live your life not being commited... are you not passing up other kinds of experiences, growth and so on by planning your life avoiding the commitments..?
well.. yeah...
of course...
so I'm thinking.. the former comes from fear.. and I think with a lot of us... grows out of proportion (us being those that practice averting ;)) but... it also helps to know yourself and what you want I think ... so that you are not willy nilly commiting...
I think I'll pause here...
not wanting to be stuck... not wanting to be controlled by circumstances/situations/rules that don't always fit... the rules are not always put there for the right reasons, are not always carried out by those that mean well.... and things, people, circumstances change... where commitment isn't supposed to with these changes... and if you don't know what you want... really hard and almost careless to commit
I guess the above is more for the big commitments... career, partner, etc...
Then there are the little commitments..... yes, I'll go to the bbq two weeks out (but what if something else comes up?)... well.. haven't really made any hotel reservations.. have a ticket in/ticket out... (just in case something comes up where you want to stay in abc town longer, or take off w/ new friends on the way) ... and usually going anywhere (vacations/trips/etc.) solo... so you aren't tied to anyone else's plans/hangups/etc. and so on...
I am sort of one of those people. I like being free for the most part. I'm a person who needs plenty of ?? well, I need to feel like I have options, not stifled etc... if say a guy who was interested in me (a fella) heard this.. might be a turn-off... well, if I heard it from a guy.. yes, it would be a turn off...
so.. the idea behind it all is that if you keep things open.. you won't miss something... some experience, some person, some....??? , now that I type that it sounds so.... opportunistic...? which it is... but... sounds so..?? umm shallow and greedy....
hmmm...
how about I hit it from this angle... not wanting to be stuck... not wanting to be in a rut.. not wanting to waste hours, days, years of your life out of ruttedness... out of habit... not wanting to miss some learning experience, growth experience because of being stuck in a rut.. or being stuck with someone who is that way...
so... the point I wanted to make.. or more like the question I wanted to ask... isn't that being in a rut too? to live your life not being commited... are you not passing up other kinds of experiences, growth and so on by planning your life avoiding the commitments..?
well.. yeah...
of course...
so I'm thinking.. the former comes from fear.. and I think with a lot of us... grows out of proportion (us being those that practice averting ;)) but... it also helps to know yourself and what you want I think ... so that you are not willy nilly commiting...
I think I'll pause here...
Thursday, August 10, 2006
sailing... etc.
went sailing yesterday...
let me back up..
boy was in town.. saw him, dinner, drinks, had a good talk and had fun
we are so much better as friends :)
EDITED
learned some things from the experience that were well worth while. some things hard to face... other things glad to face... all good in the end though
so... followed that evening.. well.. the following morning with sailing
left at 6 a.m. .. drove for 2 hours w/ folks.. had a good breakfast, lots of laughs (to the point of tears), sailed... saw seals, jelly fish, got completely worn out... back at home at 10:30 p.m.
was out like a light....
this morning... completely worn... kind of emotionally raw.. .(which is a good thing)
helps expose stuff so you can figure it out
guess I should work now... ;)
let me back up..
boy was in town.. saw him, dinner, drinks, had a good talk and had fun
we are so much better as friends :)
EDITED
learned some things from the experience that were well worth while. some things hard to face... other things glad to face... all good in the end though
so... followed that evening.. well.. the following morning with sailing
left at 6 a.m. .. drove for 2 hours w/ folks.. had a good breakfast, lots of laughs (to the point of tears), sailed... saw seals, jelly fish, got completely worn out... back at home at 10:30 p.m.
was out like a light....
this morning... completely worn... kind of emotionally raw.. .(which is a good thing)
helps expose stuff so you can figure it out
guess I should work now... ;)
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
eod, sailing, not in working mode....
ok.. 6 minutes left of work.. and not much to do ...
bored.. but need to sit here so .....
hmmm going sailing tomorrow for my first time.. pretty excited... got some squishy clogs for the trip... needed an excuse to buy them.. they are UGLY, sooo comfy, so this was the perfect opportunity for me to get them. I guess it is a 4 man boat.. or 1 man 3 women for this trip. Should be fun...
oh.. have a dinner thing tonight w/ the boy... no clue what time, where.. or if he remembers... we'll see.. if he forgets.. more sleep for me (leaving for sailing at 6 a.m.) if he remembers.. well.. updates later...
pretty excited about those clogs I must say.... I even didn't get black.. went for ugly and obnoxious
oh.. speaking of shoes.. need to get some good boots .. (fashionable) but nice ones before fall. Need them for my trip.. and for fall. ;)
kinda digging these:
6 minutes are up ;)
bored.. but need to sit here so .....
hmmm going sailing tomorrow for my first time.. pretty excited... got some squishy clogs for the trip... needed an excuse to buy them.. they are UGLY, sooo comfy, so this was the perfect opportunity for me to get them. I guess it is a 4 man boat.. or 1 man 3 women for this trip. Should be fun...
oh.. have a dinner thing tonight w/ the boy... no clue what time, where.. or if he remembers... we'll see.. if he forgets.. more sleep for me (leaving for sailing at 6 a.m.) if he remembers.. well.. updates later...
pretty excited about those clogs I must say.... I even didn't get black.. went for ugly and obnoxious
oh.. speaking of shoes.. need to get some good boots .. (fashionable) but nice ones before fall. Need them for my trip.. and for fall. ;)
kinda digging these:
6 minutes are up ;)
victorian era england, snow, theater, judges and action cucumbers (dream)
ok... last night's dream
not sure how it started.. but was walking in a city.. but seemed like a very old city. I know there was more to it but I can't remember that part.
Then I was walking with a guy.. I think my bf or lover or... he was tall, very slim, kind of adrian brody-esque. He was agile, whimsical, wore a long black cloak, vest, hat, carried a cane, and a pocket watch in his vest ... or waist coat... His hair had bits of gray in it. This all makes him sound like he was wealthy.. he wasn't wealthy... he most likely wore this set of clothes all the time.. they were worn.. but they were him and his. It was a very romantic feel... we were going to the theater.. not sure what we were seeing but I was reassuring him what ever it was.. it couldn't be that bad (I think he got the tickets for us) it was theater after all and some form of entertainment. We were laying out in front of the theater.. where grass would be if it wasn't snowing. he was unraveling something from his cane.. which now seemed to be the holder of a black fire hose.. but I think they were socks of his or a scarf that he had wound around it. All of sudden I had to go leave.. to run some errand... something like getting something stamped, an id card.. or.. an immunization or..?? something ordained by the government. I was in a building that was full of courts, lawyers, etc. I had just run up and dropped off an envelope of information... now I'm thinking the information was?? well it was something that I didn't want to be caught for sharing. So I was running down stairs to get out and slipped through a door and ended up right in the middle of a court room. I was scared ... then I looked and I knew the name of the judge.. Macgilacutty (sp?). The man had big gray hair... he started talking to me kindly.. and asked if I knew who he was.. I said yes... I've seen you before.. at blah blah?? He said. ooh no, that was my father.. then he took of his hair/wig... and he had red hair.. kind of handsome, short... tiny. I asked if he wore the wig to make him look older. He said no, I wear it to make me look shorter (huh?). I was thinking since he was so nice, I may be able to use him as a contact later. He was keen on me I could tell and wanted me to go with him... I knew a future w/ him, I'd be well taken care of (this was way back when)...but then I realized my lover was outside in the snow.. my errand was done.. I was saved by this red headed man out of harms way and now I needed to rush back to him... I rushed out of the building and he was being taken by doctors.. but not normal, clinic doctors.. city doctors. They were saying he had an illness and had to be taken away.. and he was struggling to break free. Mind you.. I knew he was feeble in general.. but he wasn't sick. I knew they must have given him something.. I was running to go get help and ended up in a stream of ?? well like I was watching a film.. more like a documentary with a woman's voice narrating and a soundtrack... which was energetic classical music. The documentary was following the meth situation.. basically it was showing young folks.. in victorian clothes that young folks would wear... so short britches, woolen caps, scarves... riding bicycles to drop off drugs and get payment... lots of killing and stealing... snowing the whole time.. the narrator was uncovering how the powers that be created the drug and disperse it .. allow it to keep going.. the more havoc that it allowed, the more fear the general populous would be in... and they more control they would then have... then there was a part where you saw a boy on his back .. just had been killed and there was a cucumber/cactus type thing that fell on him.. about the size of a pickle.. and then it got up.. and it had a head, arms legs and started dancing... you could hear a bart simpson's like voice chanting words like... drugs, radios, boobies, ... oh. then the cucumber had breasts... then the narrator saying that the powers that be kept us in a brainwashed spin of what we should want.. that we should continually want.... and that keeps us in our perpetual cage ... then I woke up.
not sure how it started.. but was walking in a city.. but seemed like a very old city. I know there was more to it but I can't remember that part.
Then I was walking with a guy.. I think my bf or lover or... he was tall, very slim, kind of adrian brody-esque. He was agile, whimsical, wore a long black cloak, vest, hat, carried a cane, and a pocket watch in his vest ... or waist coat... His hair had bits of gray in it. This all makes him sound like he was wealthy.. he wasn't wealthy... he most likely wore this set of clothes all the time.. they were worn.. but they were him and his. It was a very romantic feel... we were going to the theater.. not sure what we were seeing but I was reassuring him what ever it was.. it couldn't be that bad (I think he got the tickets for us) it was theater after all and some form of entertainment. We were laying out in front of the theater.. where grass would be if it wasn't snowing. he was unraveling something from his cane.. which now seemed to be the holder of a black fire hose.. but I think they were socks of his or a scarf that he had wound around it. All of sudden I had to go leave.. to run some errand... something like getting something stamped, an id card.. or.. an immunization or..?? something ordained by the government. I was in a building that was full of courts, lawyers, etc. I had just run up and dropped off an envelope of information... now I'm thinking the information was?? well it was something that I didn't want to be caught for sharing. So I was running down stairs to get out and slipped through a door and ended up right in the middle of a court room. I was scared ... then I looked and I knew the name of the judge.. Macgilacutty (sp?). The man had big gray hair... he started talking to me kindly.. and asked if I knew who he was.. I said yes... I've seen you before.. at blah blah?? He said. ooh no, that was my father.. then he took of his hair/wig... and he had red hair.. kind of handsome, short... tiny. I asked if he wore the wig to make him look older. He said no, I wear it to make me look shorter (huh?). I was thinking since he was so nice, I may be able to use him as a contact later. He was keen on me I could tell and wanted me to go with him... I knew a future w/ him, I'd be well taken care of (this was way back when)...but then I realized my lover was outside in the snow.. my errand was done.. I was saved by this red headed man out of harms way and now I needed to rush back to him... I rushed out of the building and he was being taken by doctors.. but not normal, clinic doctors.. city doctors. They were saying he had an illness and had to be taken away.. and he was struggling to break free. Mind you.. I knew he was feeble in general.. but he wasn't sick. I knew they must have given him something.. I was running to go get help and ended up in a stream of ?? well like I was watching a film.. more like a documentary with a woman's voice narrating and a soundtrack... which was energetic classical music. The documentary was following the meth situation.. basically it was showing young folks.. in victorian clothes that young folks would wear... so short britches, woolen caps, scarves... riding bicycles to drop off drugs and get payment... lots of killing and stealing... snowing the whole time.. the narrator was uncovering how the powers that be created the drug and disperse it .. allow it to keep going.. the more havoc that it allowed, the more fear the general populous would be in... and they more control they would then have... then there was a part where you saw a boy on his back .. just had been killed and there was a cucumber/cactus type thing that fell on him.. about the size of a pickle.. and then it got up.. and it had a head, arms legs and started dancing... you could hear a bart simpson's like voice chanting words like... drugs, radios, boobies, ... oh. then the cucumber had breasts... then the narrator saying that the powers that be kept us in a brainwashed spin of what we should want.. that we should continually want.... and that keeps us in our perpetual cage ... then I woke up.
Monday, August 07, 2006
wolves to dubbed japanese movie... (dream)
I dreamt that I was part of some group.. not sure if it was work, a gang?, a place I lived...? they asked me to stay there while they went to run some "errand"... as they were leaving a deer came running up and was making a ?? "meep" noise.. kind of like a scared cry for help in duress. I went to go see if I could help it and then I saw a pack of wolves coming after it (hence the meeping). So I tried to shoo the deer over to the cars because the group hadn't left yet. I'm not sure what happened to the deer then.. but the lead guy said something in a different tongue and the wolves calmed down. So the leader, in a sense, was responsible for the wolves going after the deer... So I , in a sense was part of something larger than myself that was doing things I didn't agree with...
Then the dream turned into a japanese movie.. dubbed and all. A man was running from the last scene after a girl (was me kinda.. like I was her, but she was more like japanese anime). He caught up to her and put spikes in her eyes, arms... etc.. then put a sword in her thigh starting near the knee up (long sword) and positioned so she couldn't get it out herself. Odd thing was .. he loved her, she loved him... but neither voiced it... it was like he was going away or couldn't be with her and didn't know what to do about it and expressed his emotions by attacking her.
Then the dream turned into a japanese movie.. dubbed and all. A man was running from the last scene after a girl (was me kinda.. like I was her, but she was more like japanese anime). He caught up to her and put spikes in her eyes, arms... etc.. then put a sword in her thigh starting near the knee up (long sword) and positioned so she couldn't get it out herself. Odd thing was .. he loved her, she loved him... but neither voiced it... it was like he was going away or couldn't be with her and didn't know what to do about it and expressed his emotions by attacking her.
Friday, August 04, 2006
and on a lighter more cheery note...
I have been taking a drawing class... which isn't so much drawing .. it is more of a let loose, break boundries class... but you draw...
Anyhoo.. have been enjoying it but felt I should do more of the exercises while I'm outside of class so I really learn, improve etc. Soooo wanted to get an easel.. but didnt' want to spend too much in case I don't stick to it, but didn't want a piece of doo... anyhoo.. went over to an art supply store today and low and behold an easel that was normaly 300 and something... now down to $49 because it had the wrong varnish. :D Nice!!!!
And I am in my own cube now... so no more office mate decore like lollipop kids flowers poking me in the back...
And I am whacking away at my debts...
My little health issue is way improved .... working with a naturopath
Taking the stairs daily.. was 28 flights a day, now 33 ...
Lost 15lbs effortlessly (naturopath said this would happen)
The boy called me back... (still undecided if it is a good thing.. but.. we'll put it here for now)
Car is working good
Might sell some stuff...
Ummm oh and planning a trip to london/nottingham/ireland/n. ireland and scotland
:)
Anyhoo.. have been enjoying it but felt I should do more of the exercises while I'm outside of class so I really learn, improve etc. Soooo wanted to get an easel.. but didnt' want to spend too much in case I don't stick to it, but didn't want a piece of doo... anyhoo.. went over to an art supply store today and low and behold an easel that was normaly 300 and something... now down to $49 because it had the wrong varnish. :D Nice!!!!
And I am in my own cube now... so no more office mate decore like lollipop kids flowers poking me in the back...
And I am whacking away at my debts...
My little health issue is way improved .... working with a naturopath
Taking the stairs daily.. was 28 flights a day, now 33 ...
Lost 15lbs effortlessly (naturopath said this would happen)
The boy called me back... (still undecided if it is a good thing.. but.. we'll put it here for now)
Car is working good
Might sell some stuff...
Ummm oh and planning a trip to london/nottingham/ireland/n. ireland and scotland
:)
time vs. pain vs. ???
ok... that below bit about the test... ideally would be great if I could figure that out sooner rather than later... and now that I'm just focussing on that question .. should be simpler... I hope
and sooner.. would be nice if sooner happened by the end of October ...
wouldn't it??
*I will have most of my debts paid off by then.
*I "wanted" to take a 3 week vacation then (england/ireland/n. ireland).. but now can't because my boss is leaving for a wedding at one end.. and it is busy season here at work on the other...
*I don't want to go through another busy season here..
*and ... I've had it... my boss doesn't reprimand my exofficemate and she just gets worse.. and we all are just supposed to deal
*and my boss, lovely as she is... well.. she is GREAT at what she used to do.. but she just isn't cut out to be a manager... she needs to be a comedian/speaker/writer.. she'd be great at those
ok... and the infp part.. he says I'm basically 100% feeling (the "f" part) and pretty high on intuitive (the "i" part) so I tend to feel the "pain" of being in the wrong situation more than the average joe... so I'm really not a whiner.. if you all felt like I feel... you'd probably be doing the same thing.
hmmm.... so what do I care about or want to solve....
lots
I'll need to narrow that down.
and sooner.. would be nice if sooner happened by the end of October ...
wouldn't it??
*I will have most of my debts paid off by then.
*I "wanted" to take a 3 week vacation then (england/ireland/n. ireland).. but now can't because my boss is leaving for a wedding at one end.. and it is busy season here at work on the other...
*I don't want to go through another busy season here..
*and ... I've had it... my boss doesn't reprimand my exofficemate and she just gets worse.. and we all are just supposed to deal
*and my boss, lovely as she is... well.. she is GREAT at what she used to do.. but she just isn't cut out to be a manager... she needs to be a comedian/speaker/writer.. she'd be great at those
ok... and the infp part.. he says I'm basically 100% feeling (the "f" part) and pretty high on intuitive (the "i" part) so I tend to feel the "pain" of being in the wrong situation more than the average joe... so I'm really not a whiner.. if you all felt like I feel... you'd probably be doing the same thing.
hmmm.... so what do I care about or want to solve....
lots
I'll need to narrow that down.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... sorta
that was kind of a screaming aaaaah... not a relaxing sigh aaawwwhh. and sorta because I'm not really screaming.. but I am.. but I'm not.. but I am... etc.
that test I took a few months ago.. listened to the conversation w/ the fella again the other day.
a summary:
he said I scored off the charts in certain areas (this isn't a good or a bad thing.. just makes me not "fit in")
* extreme introvert
*high diagnostic reasoning score
*high spacial reasoning score
*high analytical reasoning score
*high "maestro" score ... meaning that my mind works very differently from the general crowd - the opposite would be considered a tribal...
*high idea flow - which means my mind comes up with ideas quickly/often, creative, etc.... also means usually have poor stick-to-itedness... hard time concentrating... high idea flow is good for say a comedian, artist, short projects... etc.
there were others but these were the ones that I was "off the charts" on and seem to be the most important in a career choice.. (minus analytical skills.. he said it is beneficial, but doesn't "choose" the path). The other is the infp... I think that is what I am...
anyhoo, he said with the scores and the infp bit.. I make up like 1/4 of 1% of the population.. and so if I don't feel understood or connect with folks, there is a reason.
oh.. also .. w/ the infp bit... those types need to do something they care about. so for example, let's say I'm a photographer... and I care about animal rights... well doing fashion shoots will probably drive me crazy.. sure I'm doing something I'm talented/good at/enjoy.. but if I dont' care about it.. I'll lose interest....
So.. the question he said I should ask myself is what in the world do I want to fix, what problem do I want to solve....... etc...
ack
aaah.... (a demi scream)
that test I took a few months ago.. listened to the conversation w/ the fella again the other day.
a summary:
he said I scored off the charts in certain areas (this isn't a good or a bad thing.. just makes me not "fit in")
* extreme introvert
*high diagnostic reasoning score
*high spacial reasoning score
*high analytical reasoning score
*high "maestro" score ... meaning that my mind works very differently from the general crowd - the opposite would be considered a tribal...
*high idea flow - which means my mind comes up with ideas quickly/often, creative, etc.... also means usually have poor stick-to-itedness... hard time concentrating... high idea flow is good for say a comedian, artist, short projects... etc.
there were others but these were the ones that I was "off the charts" on and seem to be the most important in a career choice.. (minus analytical skills.. he said it is beneficial, but doesn't "choose" the path). The other is the infp... I think that is what I am...
anyhoo, he said with the scores and the infp bit.. I make up like 1/4 of 1% of the population.. and so if I don't feel understood or connect with folks, there is a reason.
oh.. also .. w/ the infp bit... those types need to do something they care about. so for example, let's say I'm a photographer... and I care about animal rights... well doing fashion shoots will probably drive me crazy.. sure I'm doing something I'm talented/good at/enjoy.. but if I dont' care about it.. I'll lose interest....
So.. the question he said I should ask myself is what in the world do I want to fix, what problem do I want to solve....... etc...
ack
aaah.... (a demi scream)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
dream...
Had a "mind is trying to tell me something" dream last night... I was a man in this dream, but a whisp of a man.. blah hair.. pale ... nice.. pleasant... quiet. I was at some sort of spectacle.. a football game or something that needed an audience and was loud. I wasn't enjoying it much, but everyone else seemed to be .. so I felt I should.. so I stayed and did the audience dance. I was on the lowest bench near the field and there was a 6x6 board next to me along the bench. The blunt end was up against my hip, no idea why it was there or why I sat by it. Then a large, musclular man was down near me. He was cheering loudly, getting the crowd excited, everyone seemed to be in the same spirit... then he hit the board so that it moved me a bit.. everyone laughed.. but not at me.. more of like..."isn't this a fun game" He kept doing it and I felt like I had to be a good sport and not be annoyed with it since it seemed this was supposed to be light and funny... at least everyone else seemed to think so. So he proceeded to do it until the game ended.. and I proceded to take it. I looked down at the end of the game and my stomach was bleeding... a large ?? reed of the wood had separated from the board and went through my left side and out my right... in the front... and another did the same in the back. I panicked and felt hurt and scared ... how did this happen...? I let that guy do this ... something I didn't feel comfortable with but went along... until it actually hurt me.. I pulled my eyes out (mind you .. this was a dream... so didn't hurt) and someone said.. those aren't your eyes.. they are emily's... Then I found myself in a medium blue doctors office.. not sure why, but the color stood out to me. The doctor asked me to explain how I found myself pierced twice through the middle and bleeding... I told him... and he looked at me with no compassion.. but more like anger... he said .... you LET this happen to you??? (like I was an idiot and basically didn't deserve to be fixed if I was going to let something like this happen to me)....
Anyhoo.. very insightful dream...
Anyhoo.. very insightful dream...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I da ho
ok... let's see...
fixed the boy thing..well...?? figured out things.. not fixed necessarily
can sleep
woke up friday a.m. and felt like being near water, then couer d'alene popped in my head.. so went there (about 5-6 hour drive)... was nice.. walked along the lake, along the shops.. then looked for place for dinner and found a wine bar w/ jazz.... sat in a cushy chair next to a couch filled with older couples... listened to jazz while paging through a book on the last century.. a quote was in there that caught my eye..."people don't live anymore, they merely exist" ... or something like that... then later an old man sat at the end of the couch... cowboy hat and boots, leathered skin... when I was done w/ the book, I looked over at his hat and complimented him.... then he started talking and told me about his life... about when he was a very young buy he was in a shop that had a sculpted horse.. and he knew that is what he wanted to do ... he would do drawings on the dining room table and his dad would get mad at him... so sooner or later he gave up, went into construction as an adult.... and was doing that up until 2 years ago... then (I forgot how).. he started drawing again... taking classes ... hanging out with artists.... sculpting
he said he has to pinch himself every day that he is finally doing what he has always wanted to do. and he said follow your heart.... don't let anyone discourage you.... you will not be able to forgive yourself of your regrets....
pretty nice little trip I must say...
fixed the boy thing..well...?? figured out things.. not fixed necessarily
can sleep
woke up friday a.m. and felt like being near water, then couer d'alene popped in my head.. so went there (about 5-6 hour drive)... was nice.. walked along the lake, along the shops.. then looked for place for dinner and found a wine bar w/ jazz.... sat in a cushy chair next to a couch filled with older couples... listened to jazz while paging through a book on the last century.. a quote was in there that caught my eye..."people don't live anymore, they merely exist" ... or something like that... then later an old man sat at the end of the couch... cowboy hat and boots, leathered skin... when I was done w/ the book, I looked over at his hat and complimented him.... then he started talking and told me about his life... about when he was a very young buy he was in a shop that had a sculpted horse.. and he knew that is what he wanted to do ... he would do drawings on the dining room table and his dad would get mad at him... so sooner or later he gave up, went into construction as an adult.... and was doing that up until 2 years ago... then (I forgot how).. he started drawing again... taking classes ... hanging out with artists.... sculpting
he said he has to pinch himself every day that he is finally doing what he has always wanted to do. and he said follow your heart.... don't let anyone discourage you.... you will not be able to forgive yourself of your regrets....
pretty nice little trip I must say...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
still can't sleep...
ok.. I didn't do my laundry yet, but I don't think that is it...
I think I nailed it down to the boy that left... but I'll get back to that later...
I went to see I Am Your Man last night.. film on Leonard Cohen... very good film...
and learned about a singer named Antony.. quite an interesting voice...
An older fella and his wife sat next to me. When Rufus Wainright came on.. he asked me who he was.. so I told him.. (funny .. it was the first artist that came on that hit me....).. then when Antony came on..the other aritst I liked in the film came on.. he asked me again... who is that?
For some reason it was really nice to think you could share a movie with a stranger and kind of a bonus to have the same tastes.
So.. the reason I can't sleep.. and boy.. I don't mean that it is his fault that I can't sleep.... more of... I think my mind body was trying to tell me that I need to deal with this or we're not going to let you move on. Learn this lesson ... finally! etc...
While taking a shower this morning.. I was thinking about the situation.. and how I would explain to said boy what I think about how it is going.. then the anology popped in my head about a plant... as if it were a relationship. You don't throw a new plant in the ground and leave it for a few days and expect it to grow... it isn't used to the new situation, where to get water, food, etc. from... You put it in and nurture it daily.. checking in on it to see how it is doing.. is it wilting? did I over water? etc. and so on until it is used to its new environment... and has grown roots...
Once it seems to be doing ok and the roots are stable ... then a day away w/out checking is fine. It knows its surroundings.. and you can see that it is doing well in that soil.. so it is fine. Mind you.. you still can't assume it will be fine all alone.. it is just that it won't die overnight from neglect.
I shared it with my roomie and the thought it was a great one too.. then I went a little further.. that goes for prerelationship as well... could use the car analogy this time ;)
you can't blame an old pickup truck for being slow.. it is old.. not built to go fast etc... so if you bought one and try to speed down the road.. and it doesn't, you can't call it a worthless hunk of metal.. it is what it is.. an old pickup truck... if you wanted fast.. you should have shopped around more, researched more cars, taken more test drives and so on before purchasing...
so.. although I may have just leased the car... I didn't test drive it enough before hand.. so now have to deal with some paperwork... ;)
I think I nailed it down to the boy that left... but I'll get back to that later...
I went to see I Am Your Man last night.. film on Leonard Cohen... very good film...
and learned about a singer named Antony.. quite an interesting voice...
An older fella and his wife sat next to me. When Rufus Wainright came on.. he asked me who he was.. so I told him.. (funny .. it was the first artist that came on that hit me....).. then when Antony came on..the other aritst I liked in the film came on.. he asked me again... who is that?
For some reason it was really nice to think you could share a movie with a stranger and kind of a bonus to have the same tastes.
So.. the reason I can't sleep.. and boy.. I don't mean that it is his fault that I can't sleep.... more of... I think my mind body was trying to tell me that I need to deal with this or we're not going to let you move on. Learn this lesson ... finally! etc...
While taking a shower this morning.. I was thinking about the situation.. and how I would explain to said boy what I think about how it is going.. then the anology popped in my head about a plant... as if it were a relationship. You don't throw a new plant in the ground and leave it for a few days and expect it to grow... it isn't used to the new situation, where to get water, food, etc. from... You put it in and nurture it daily.. checking in on it to see how it is doing.. is it wilting? did I over water? etc. and so on until it is used to its new environment... and has grown roots...
Once it seems to be doing ok and the roots are stable ... then a day away w/out checking is fine. It knows its surroundings.. and you can see that it is doing well in that soil.. so it is fine. Mind you.. you still can't assume it will be fine all alone.. it is just that it won't die overnight from neglect.
I shared it with my roomie and the thought it was a great one too.. then I went a little further.. that goes for prerelationship as well... could use the car analogy this time ;)
you can't blame an old pickup truck for being slow.. it is old.. not built to go fast etc... so if you bought one and try to speed down the road.. and it doesn't, you can't call it a worthless hunk of metal.. it is what it is.. an old pickup truck... if you wanted fast.. you should have shopped around more, researched more cars, taken more test drives and so on before purchasing...
so.. although I may have just leased the car... I didn't test drive it enough before hand.. so now have to deal with some paperwork... ;)
Monday, July 10, 2006
dream
had a weird dream last night that I got married.. was to my first bf. was AWFUL. Just after the "I dos" I was out of the dress and had it rolled up under my arm. I was getting funny looks from everyone because I didn't seem happy. I forgot I still had to go to a reception in bride attire. Ugh.. I was just thinking over and over in my head "what did I do?????" I went into a room to put the dress back on and there was a giant spider in there.. was very angled and pointy, orange and yellow striped.. and it mimicked my every move.. was very creepy.. kinda felt like the dream was about all those things you do to ??? fit in to a situation/group/society/moment/expectation/to get what you think you need/want/etc... but kind of unaware that you are doing it because it has become so much of who everyone is ... the wedding was more like checking off of a things to do list like get a degree, buy house, get retirement.... then I think I became aware and realized I was w/ him for all the wrong reasons.. bleck.. and then the spider was kind of a mirror mimicking me mimicking society... crazy
Thursday, July 06, 2006
dilly dally-ing
k...
supposed to be working.. but kind of waiting on some things so.......
mind keeps wandering....
I think I just stepped out of my head.. I was going to write down a stream of what was in there.. and then I stopped to check... and I felt like I just landed on the planet and in this body.. strange
maybe the stuff that was in my head.. was unimportant.. just buzzing around making noise... but when I went to capture it.. the noise stopped because that is all it was.. if ya know what I mean...
hmmm...
supposed to be working.. but kind of waiting on some things so.......
mind keeps wandering....
I think I just stepped out of my head.. I was going to write down a stream of what was in there.. and then I stopped to check... and I felt like I just landed on the planet and in this body.. strange
maybe the stuff that was in my head.. was unimportant.. just buzzing around making noise... but when I went to capture it.. the noise stopped because that is all it was.. if ya know what I mean...
hmmm...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
poop on the porch
ok.. just have to share... I work with seniors via phone on a daily basis... some of them are to the point and ask their questions and others give you the progression of how they came to be 65 ... in detail
today's story came from a cheerful voiced lady. Her dog was barking in the background and then she started talking about what he looks like.. brindle, dark face, wisp of a tail, ... where she got him ... shelter, about to be euthenized that day ... how long she has had him ... 7 years ... and that in lake oswego... you can't just let dogs run around mamby pamby ... so he does his business on the porch .. mind you, she uses science diet so his poo doesn't stink... ;)
every day she picks up the poo and throws it in the greenery... and after 7 years (just a few days ago)... he started to go as far as he could to the edge of the porch so he could poo in the greenery... She said "life's just full of surprises" with a sparkling chuckle ;)
I think that is my message for the day. ;)
today's story came from a cheerful voiced lady. Her dog was barking in the background and then she started talking about what he looks like.. brindle, dark face, wisp of a tail, ... where she got him ... shelter, about to be euthenized that day ... how long she has had him ... 7 years ... and that in lake oswego... you can't just let dogs run around mamby pamby ... so he does his business on the porch .. mind you, she uses science diet so his poo doesn't stink... ;)
every day she picks up the poo and throws it in the greenery... and after 7 years (just a few days ago)... he started to go as far as he could to the edge of the porch so he could poo in the greenery... She said "life's just full of surprises" with a sparkling chuckle ;)
I think that is my message for the day. ;)
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
lady bugs...
Last night I watched Under the Tuscan Sun for maybe the 3rd or 4th time... w/ my roomie matt (his 20th or 21st time). No, it may not be cinema at its finest and yes it has its cheesy parts, but something about it moves and inspires me and I like it! Matt, who always quotes from movies ... has gleamed from this one ... "lady bugs."
There is a character in the movie that is ?? fanciful. She walks around soaking in the pleasures of life, beauty, tastes, touch, etc. The main character is mournful of her ruined marriage and is in a state of sulk when Fanciful tells her to just live her life.. and things will come... look for it and you will struggle.. (sleeping and waking up to ladybugs).
A few other things hit me in this movie (besides bawling to the part where her workers have finished the house)... bad ideas, enthusiasm, family and taking off and starting a new life...
1. main character mentions something being a horrible idea... Fanciful replies... "horrible ideas, aren't they wonderful" :) it spoke to me because I'm not a fan of the tried and true.. well I am .. unless it blinds you to the possibilities, maybes and what ifs
2. always keep the enthusiam of a child (or something like that)... how many times do people rein in their excitement due to inner critics, fear of outer critics etc. screw it... enthusiasm!
3. family.. not sure this is the word I want to use... but.. maybe more of ...?? taking time.. to watch, interact, get to know your envirnoment, plants, home, life, people...
4. and the last one is self explanatory... ever since I was a little girl.. loved movies or stories that had to do with taking off... starting over... funny.. doesn't it make sense?? if you have never really been a fan of your life.. why continue to live it in the same way, location, etc. etc.. hmmmm
There is a character in the movie that is ?? fanciful. She walks around soaking in the pleasures of life, beauty, tastes, touch, etc. The main character is mournful of her ruined marriage and is in a state of sulk when Fanciful tells her to just live her life.. and things will come... look for it and you will struggle.. (sleeping and waking up to ladybugs).
A few other things hit me in this movie (besides bawling to the part where her workers have finished the house)... bad ideas, enthusiasm, family and taking off and starting a new life...
1. main character mentions something being a horrible idea... Fanciful replies... "horrible ideas, aren't they wonderful" :) it spoke to me because I'm not a fan of the tried and true.. well I am .. unless it blinds you to the possibilities, maybes and what ifs
2. always keep the enthusiam of a child (or something like that)... how many times do people rein in their excitement due to inner critics, fear of outer critics etc. screw it... enthusiasm!
3. family.. not sure this is the word I want to use... but.. maybe more of ...?? taking time.. to watch, interact, get to know your envirnoment, plants, home, life, people...
4. and the last one is self explanatory... ever since I was a little girl.. loved movies or stories that had to do with taking off... starting over... funny.. doesn't it make sense?? if you have never really been a fan of your life.. why continue to live it in the same way, location, etc. etc.. hmmmm
Monday, June 19, 2006
unexpected visitations...
an email of mine keeps showing up as unopenned and I keep ignoring it.. just openned it tonight to see what might be in there that it still wants to stick around...
ran across this...
"HOMEWORK: Tell about a time when an unexpected visitation cracked open a hole in your shrunken reality so as to let juicy eternity pour in."
the first thing that came to mind was K (guy I met at a friend of mine's going away party) and then the Keys... I met K before the keys... but I think the keys allowed more juicy eternity to pour in the next time I met him.
unexpected visitation... unexpected to meet a great guy... then unexpected to find buried joys that I had forgotten... then unexpected that they great guy was even more beautiful than I thought
juicy eternity.... in the keys I guess it was how beautiful and simple things can be... the wind in your hair and your legs as your are riding a bike, sun on your skin, floating in water, playing in sand, taking it slow when it is too hot, waving your hand in the wind as you drive...
and with K... how he sees beauty and laughter in everything and enjoys life... and he is beautiful
ran across this...
"HOMEWORK: Tell about a time when an unexpected visitation cracked open a hole in your shrunken reality so as to let juicy eternity pour in."
the first thing that came to mind was K (guy I met at a friend of mine's going away party) and then the Keys... I met K before the keys... but I think the keys allowed more juicy eternity to pour in the next time I met him.
unexpected visitation... unexpected to meet a great guy... then unexpected to find buried joys that I had forgotten... then unexpected that they great guy was even more beautiful than I thought
juicy eternity.... in the keys I guess it was how beautiful and simple things can be... the wind in your hair and your legs as your are riding a bike, sun on your skin, floating in water, playing in sand, taking it slow when it is too hot, waving your hand in the wind as you drive...
and with K... how he sees beauty and laughter in everything and enjoys life... and he is beautiful
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
dream last night....
oh... and just came back from the best vacation ever....
and the best pick up from the airport ever... (as in picked up in a car... not the other kind)
had a dream last night was talking to this guy.. and I could feel I wasn't his cup of tea.. and then he went on to explain... he said you have a sweet face, you don't say or do anything offensive, or act like you are right.. it is your authoritative tone...
interesting...
have had lots of lightening in my eyes... I'll explain later
and the best pick up from the airport ever... (as in picked up in a car... not the other kind)
had a dream last night was talking to this guy.. and I could feel I wasn't his cup of tea.. and then he went on to explain... he said you have a sweet face, you don't say or do anything offensive, or act like you are right.. it is your authoritative tone...
interesting...
have had lots of lightening in my eyes... I'll explain later
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